Not in a good space

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎09-12-2019

It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎29-01-2021

Hi Paws

I just don't know who to talk to I guess. I literally feel lost. I've been thinking about your post - getting well. What is the goal here?

It's been well over a decade now that I've been unwell. I've improved to the point I can leave my house and go out in public (walk the dog, go to the beach), grocery shop, attend medical appointments etc all to an ok level of comfort most of the time. Prior, I couldn't do that. Beyond that, however, things don't get easier and it's like a test of endurance. Supposedly by facing the things that challenge us, they get easier. Only, they don't.

And this is the second therapist who has said "ok you're good, I feel like we're done here". And I'm like "oh" 😞

I've tried medication, hypnotherapy, neurolinguistic programming, 5 different therapists, numerous self-help books, yoga, meditation, journalling...

So maybe I've reached my goal. Maybe this is my well.

The uppity downedy - I think that's the enduring impact of my ex and everything that goes with that. I allowed him into my life when I was vulnerable, and he made a mess of me, and I'm still trying to make peace with all of that. There are triggers. I guess this will fade. I hope, at least.

That took like an hour to write. Sometimes life if incredibly tiring, I agree. I'm glad you feel hopeful about your own journey. You really are an amazing person, and I wish good things for you. You deserve them. I hope any of this makes sense.

Paw Prints · ‎29-01-2021

Hello Katy,

Yep you make lots of sense...

Lass I'm not amazing... perhaps instead of just sharing my aims, I should be more open about my daily struggles... there are so many simple things I wish I could manage to do... like having a shower it's irrational I know, but I haven't been able to have one for nearly a year... I started my thread because like you I've gotten so far & now seem stuck... I hadn't looked at my thread in some while until you gave me some hugs there... I re-read some of my earlier posts... so much is still the same.

Katy... do you think perhaps you are expecting too much of yourself at this stage... you have had a tragic loss & a terrible betrayal in the last 2 years.... I think it is perfectly natural that you are still struggling... both of those would be shattering for someone with good mental health... you already had vulnerable mental health when your world fell apart...

Lass you saw a particular future ahead of you... that future was snatched from you... it's not surprising you feel lost... you need time to grieve the losses & time to figure out a whole new path forward.

You want things to change... hold onto that... that is your hope... it will take time to work out where you want to go & how to get there... your wanting it is the hopeful spark inside you.

I'm concerned your therapist thought you were "good"... but I'll leave that up to you if you want to chat about it.

Be gentle with yourself

Paws

Hanna3 · ‎29-01-2021

Hi Katy (waves to Paws)

I just came on BB and saw you'd posted.

What stood out to me are you words "he made a mess of me" about your ex. I think you've hit the nail on the head there.. that you need to find a way to come to terms with that, and find a way to make it less huge in your life now. You are still, it seems to me, giving him the power to distress you via remembering/thinking of it all the time.. or too much of the time.. or you're thinking about it the wrong way.

Maybe this IS your well for the time being... we can plateau for a while before we make another step forward. I'm learning with music I can stay the same for a while (I think I am staying the same that is) and then suddenly I take a step further with playing... and I realize my brain has been working on the problem all along in the background.

It's hard from here to really know what's going on, but I think you need to shrug off your ex for a while, acknowledge where you've improved, and where you still have further to go to get fully well. I still struggle with all sorts of things, but I realize some of these will never completely disappear and I just need to be conscious of times/things that might set them off.

Can you take what went wrong with your ex and use it to help you not make the mistakes you made before in your relationships? I think we all need to take stock of things from time to time, even with friendships!

hugs

I don't know if any of this helps, but it's what occurred to me reading your post.

Hanna3 · ‎29-01-2021

And look at what you've achieved Katy - you've got your degree, you're going to do your Honours, you're swimming/skateboarding/growing plants/studying... I think you need to focus on how much you've managed to do on your own.

I am quite sure I'll never fully get over my anxiety, it's been with me all my life and I'm not likely to get rid of it now, so I just pretty much accept that it's there and try to keep on as best I can.. it bugs me sometimes but I just have to keep going in spite of it. I get anxious starting new things like music - heck I was scared starting my university study - then all these things become so enjoyable and satisfying they're worth going through the anxiety for! So you keep on going despite the wretched problems!

OK? cheers!

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎31-01-2021

Thankyou both for your support and valued input. I've been mulling over what you've both said. Thankyou especially for sharing your own personal experiences, as that's not always easy to do on a public forum, and it's appreciated. This is a journey - life. We're all on our own journey, and challenged in different ways, and moving in our own time.

Today I've spent the day in bed with a migraine, which was unfun. But yesterday I took Stormy to the vet and we both laughed and marvelled over how she's still alive and "having a good life" as the vet termed it. She was born with spinal damage and certainly wasn't expected to get to 8 and 1/2! She has muscle wastage through her mid section around the spine, but her back end hasn't wasted away as apparently normally happens. I'm so blessed to have had her come into my life, and to have stuck around.

Hope you're both well, and again, my thanks. Katy xo

Paw Prints · ‎31-01-2021

Hello Katy,

A migraine is definitely not fun... I hope it disappears quickly for you...

Lass I do realise that I can't possibly "know" what you are going through... or the best way for you to go forward... I put down my thoughts hoping you would find them helpful even if they were wide off the mark... knowing that something isn't apt can sometimes be as helpful as knowing what is... I have been worrying I may have upset you... I'm sorry if I have..

Hugs

Paws

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎31-01-2021

To the contrary, Paws. The thoughts that you share on the forums to myself and others, are always soft, gentle and full of love. Thankyou.

I'm on migraine day 2. Too long in this state makes me sad. My meds haven't even touched the sides today, so I'm gonna have a good cry. Running out of things to watch on netflix...

Hope your day looks brighter. Big hugs, Katy

Paw Prints · ‎01-02-2021

Hello Katy,

How are you lass? Has the migraine lifted?

I hope you are not in any of the covid risk areas named... though I'm guessing that you are under the shutdown restrictions as it sounds like all of south WA is affected by them... I will be keeping fingers crossed that they lift them soon for you.

It's lovely to hear that the vet is impressed with how well Storm is... it is surprising that having the wastage in her mid section hasn't resulted in her hind end doing the same... I wonder if that is just luck or if your taking her to the beach & in the water has helped...

How is kitty doing?... has her appetite improved? You've not spoken much about her... is she an aloof, only on her terms type cat or is she a snuggly loves everyone type...

Sending you gentle hugs

Paws

Hanna3 · ‎01-02-2021

Just checking by Katy. Hope all is OK. Like Paws I wonder how kitty is doing? Hope all is well there and the headache has gone. hugs.

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎01-02-2021

Good morning

Thanks goodness my migraine is gone this morning. But yes, now we're in lockdown. The risk areas are in big city, not near here, and hopefully it hasn't spread, although that seems unlikely. I need to buy a mask. They are now compulsory even for exercise, and I don't know where to get one from. I will try and sew one today so I can walk Storm later.

Paws, yes I think the swimming is helpful. The vet recommended hydrotherapy, but it's too expensive. I'll have to stick with what I can afford. Kitty is doing fine too. His appetite is normal and the vet has said I don't need to do anything else at this stage. He's a snuggly laid back boy, who just adores Storm. They're cuddled up next to me on the sofa at the moment. The girl cat, however, could be described as obnoxious lol.

How's your boy's arthritis going after his course of injections, Paws? Have you noticed a difference at all? You were saying you'd given him a nice massage the other day - does he have sore spots that he doesn't like being touched? My last doggy used to get sorer when the weather was stormy, with his arthritis.

Hugs to all. Housework for me, as I've been laid up for two days. Katy xo