Not in a good space

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy, I'm seeing a social worker myself this morning... I hope you are going to your prac. Can you tell us what it is that is distressing you so much about the prac - is it particular things you have to do, or the people you are with, etc? Just keep on turning up, all you have to do is scrape through remember!! You can do this. Hang in there. I'll check back this evening here... hugs from me and Mr Sam xoxoxoxo

[Paw Prints]

Hello Katy,

Here is a big huggily hug for you lass. Woofa sends you ear snuffles & slobbery kisses.

Lass is there a particular aspect you are struggling with or is it just that horrible feeling of being overwhelmed by everything that just bubbles up & is so hard to ignore? Not being able to pick an exact cause isn't unusual.

If you would like I could make some suggestions of things you can try to settle yourself or to get through? I do realise sometimes helpful suggestions aren't what we need. That's ok. I'm happy to simply be here for you in whatever way you want.

For now I'll just sit with you while your lovely Stormy rests her head on your lap being a snuggle bunny.

You matter lass

Paws

[cupcake5]

Hi,

I am new to this forum. I was wondering how everyone is going?

Kate

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Kate and welcome 🙂 It can be a bit dizzying to find your way around here at first, but you'll get there. You're very welcome to chat here about anything you like if you find your way back here 🙂

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Paws, Hanna thanks for checking in xx

I called in "unwell" today and worked from home. I'm finding my lack of self-confidence and my anxiety are both overwhelming, and I ended up with a two day migraine because my body responds by tightening all my muscles and holding them until I'm knotted and down for the count. I'm not sure how my body thinks that is helpful.

I've gone from being home alone 7 days a week in my safe space and just venturing out when I can manage to what I can manage, to being around people for 5 full days a week expected to "perform". I should have eased into it by doing voluntary work a day a week, then building up to a couple, or some such. I'm not comfortable around people. Why did I choose the field I'm studying in you may ask (I won't re-mention it here)... I guess I thought somewhere along the way I'd be "magically cured" - well, that, and I want to help people!

My anxiety and lack of self-confidence sort of work together detrimentally. I don't want to speak or write anything in case it's dumb or wrong, and my anxiety means that I'm more likely to say or write something dumb because there's no room in my head for rational thought when it's full of self-loathing and zinging nerves. If that all makes sense. I'm just not ready but here I am and I'm not sure how I manage it.

I'd love to climb into bed with my snuggle bunny. I don't know what she thinks of suddenly having to be home alone 5 full days a week either. Must be confusing for her. I'm glad she has cats.

Thanks for listening. Big hugs to you both, and to the lovely fur friends xo

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

It sounds like you have a lot of negative self-talk going on there dear lady - you're going to have to change the channel! Sorry about the migraine, hope it's better now. I'm sure Storm is glad to have you home for a while!

I wonder how much of this negative self-talk (I'm no good, too anxious, etc etc) comes from your ex and how much from your upbringing. I can relate to the family background if it comes from this... you need to tell yourself that you CAN manage this (you are not likely to write anything silly, you are clearly bright enough to know if you do that, you haven't done it in your essays have you - no!)

Bev Aisbett's books Living with It etc would be helpful here, she's great at describing this kind of self talk and how to change it.

You have to know that you ARE good enough to get through this. Pretend to be more confident - sit up confidently, try to act/sound confident. I read about a young guy who was being badly bullied - he was very shy and anxious so an easy victim - anyway he decided to change his body language and made sure he walked, stood and sat as if he was very confident (although he was shaking inside with nerves). The bullying stopped, because when he ACTED confident, people naturally thought he WAS confident, and bullies don't attack people who are confident and sure of themselves.

So put your shoulders back, pull yourself up, and tell yourself you are getting through this and you will act as if you are a confident person. If you find yourself negative talking about yourself, say STOP loudly in your head and change the channel to something like "I am a high passing student, I have anxiety problems but i will manage these fine, go away anxiety, because i need to get this done" etc etc. Whatever wording works for you.

Yes practising being around people will be a big help - something to aim at doing once this is over... just get through for now. Head up, shoulders back, step it out girl! You know you can do this. Report back and let us know how you go. You will be OK stop the negative talk, it's unhelpful and it's the easy way out - you are taking the much braver way, by getting through this despite everything else. OK, hugs xoxoxo

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Hanna

Thanks for your thoughtful advice, as usual x

Interestingly, I saw my ex as I was driving home today, before reading your reply, and I thought about how he exacerbated my low self-esteem by always telling me I was a piece of rubbish. Things always look different in hindsight. I wasn't really aware of it at the time. That on top of, yes, family background. It's no wonder I want to fade into the background (have you read Perfume? - quite relevant here). I even noted my choice of grey and black clothing, compared to my fellow students who wear a lot of colour.

I'll give your advice a shot - stop acting so small, and try stop the negative thoughts. Maybe I'll find a pop of colour to put on tomorrow too 🙂

Thanks, and hugs back at you xo

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy, good girl that's the stuff! Wear something with a bit of colour it will make you feel better and others will like it too... I'm usually not on BB until evening so I'll check in again then... hang in there you will get through this OK. hugs xoxo

[Paw Prints]

Hello Katy,

Well done lass. I saw on Hanna's thread that you not only wore pretty tops but you also managed to speak in your prac. It took me until my 50s before I allowed myself to wear something other than black/navy blue/grey etc. It was hard for me to have the belief it was ok for me to have/wear nice things instead of simply practical/neutral stuff. I've found it does get easier with practice.

Your tour of the end of life centre sounds very interesting. I would be curious to see how it is managed in a centre like that, as I was trained to provide my Dad's palliative care when he came home from hospital to spend his final weeks at home.

I wish there was a special mirror I could hold up which would enable you can see how strong you are lass.

Hugs

Paws

[Hanna3]

Good luck with the prac this week Katy! Wear something that makes you feel good...

I was wondering if the people you do yoga with are friendly if your neighbours are not? Or do they just do the yoga and leave?

Anyway, keep in touch and let us know how you go. xoxoxo