Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

thank you Starwolf, yes you are very real people and i do appreciate your help for everything and thank you everyone for allowing me to be here with you.

i do have a predicament though that maybe you could help me with.....?

so ive got 5 weeks to revise my online course now before i go in for the exam and ive organised it so i study just one topic per day so its not too much but im still being able to revise and things. each topic has 3 revison sheets, diagrams if they need one, mltiple choice, building and breaking down terms, spelling words and true or false sheets. so im thinking that one topic per day is ok and shouldnt be too much

also my mother has just told me that pretty much a week before i go in for my exam we are going away for 4 days how do you guys propose i study while im away? ill be finished each topic by then so maybe i could just keep reading over the notes....? for the 4 days as ill pretty much only have the night times to study apparently and they arent happy about me studying but unfortuantley for them they picked a bad time to go on holiday so i will be bringing my stuff with me

what do you guys think?

[startingnew]

another crappy therapy session. really starting to think id be better off without a therapist if this keep going

[startingnew]

i cant stop shaking

what is wrong with me

[Just Sara]

Firstly; congratulations on 100 posts! Well done!

I'm sorry I haven't been around too. I have my own struggles, so find it better to leave the PC off during those times.

Your posts have changed so much since joining which gives hope this will continue to gain momentum. I'm also happy to see you've been pro-active in your recovery, study and relaxing activities. As for the four days away, I think your ideas fit the bill nicely. Overload prior to exams can be a problem. So a holiday with some revision of notes sounds good.

SN; shaking and symptoms of anxiety, as explained to me recently, aren't controlled by the 'rational' brain. It's from the primal parts of our brain controlling 'fight or flight'. That's how PTSD works; we have 'no conscious control'. So accepting this occurs and treating it as something that 'just happens sometimes', can help to understand yourself a little better when you're triggered, and not be so afraid of it. (Which makes matters worse)

You're doing great ok! You're pro-active and that's what counts. Don't forget to breathe slowly and tell yourself; "it's out of my control; just go with it and redirect my mind to other things in the room/environment"

Warm thoughts;

Sara x

[startingnew]

im sorry your struggling sara. i havent really been around that much either.

yeah im sticking to that plan its just that this is one of the hardests months for me as its my nans date of death and her birthday as well as when my sisters event was that i have ptsd for as well

i had a really horrible session with my therapist the other day and it had me really rallied up and i wrote her an email as im in the suicde prevention program and explaned that her pointing it out made me really unconfortable and what was the reason behind it. does she think im lying, and also she keeps asking me the same questions so i asked her about that as well. she pointed out a habit of mine and it really embarrassed me and now i dont really want to go back to see her anymore.

so this was the response i got from her just simplified abit so not to give out too mnay details:

sometimes therapists point out body language as sometimes they dont match what we are saying but she still believes me.- i suppose its her job to say that anyway-.. and she said that she keeps asking me the same things to get a clearer picture of whats going on. and also no more email communications except if i need to send papers through like the safety plan. mind you its her work email and its on her bussiness card

[james1]

Hey SN,

I'm sorry to hear that this time is going to particularly hard for you. Could you have another therapy session soon or perhaps it's a good idea to make sure you let some trusted people know that you will be struggling around this time?

It is great that you were able to contact your therapist and ask these questions. It can be very hard to question your therapist so good work.

I understand why you might feel like she just says things because it's her job to. It's very important to have the right psychologist who cares about us, but it can often be very hard to believe that they really do care. About the no-email rule your therapist proposed, mine did this too because she wanted me to feel like I was going to be okay in-between sessions, but also because she didn't feel like she was the right person for a crisis, but rather the hospital was. Therapy is often long-term, not short term.

Perhaps this is something you can continue discussing the next time you have a session - what do you expect from her, and how does her email response make you feel? Just like any other relationship, your relationship with your psychologist will be built on open communication between you two.

I understand why you might feel like quitting therapy, but you're doing an amazing job in such a difficult period.

James

[startingnew]

hi James

i contacted the therapist- which was one of the most nerve wracking things ive done- pulling up a therapist!!

but weve come to an understanding and i think i can keep working with her now. i only have 4 sessions left anyway and then i have to change to another psychologist anyway

[Just Sara]

SN; I'm stoked to see you getting involved and standing up for you! Been watching you on the forum doing good giving peer support...mighty, mighty...

(Wiping a tear from my eye)

You go girl!!!!

[Doolhof]

HI SN,

James has posted a wonderful reply to your comments. I would just like to add that approaching anniversaries can be difficult to understand and deal with.

Is there some way you can remember your Nana in a loving and nurturing way? When it was the birthdate of someone I had loved dearly, I bought a cake, some candles and sang them happy birthday then cried for a while. It felt good for me to celebrate that person.

I sometimes buy myself flowers on special anniversaries and tell myself my loved ones who can't be with me are sharing them with me.

Maybe you could write your Nana a letter and tuck it away in a drawer somewhere or bury it in the garden.

You may come up with your own way to celebrate the memory of your Nan. A friend of mine decorates the house on her Dad's anniversary, eats his favourite food for the day and lights a candle for him.

Wishing you all the best SN, cheers from Mrs. Dools

[startingnew]

i was a carer for my nan for about 2 yrs maybe more and we were really close ans when i began caring for her became closer who passed away last year.
I wasnt really able to grieve at the time as i was tyring to hold my pop whom im now a carer for my mum together and making sure everyone needs were met.
But now its really hitting me.hard. and im having so many regrets about what i should have done whati should have said what i should have changed. I feel selfish alot of the time because every now and then i would go out with a friend and i really regret it now.

My nan had many illnesses including cancer so i went to all of her appointments and made sure she was ok.

It hurts me everyday. I miss her so much.
I get alot of flash back esp of the year before like Christmas and birthdays easter and all the rest of the occasions.
She was in a wheelchair and home oxygen 24/7 as she had bad lungs from copd.
So it did make it hard for her to go out when she was getting worse
I get flashbacks of the night i stayed at their house and i heard my pop completley break down and found my nan slumped in the wheelchair in the bathroom as thats how she got around
She was so weak and couldnt even hold herself up so i had to while calling am ambulance calling my who was 10 min drive away and help pop keep it together. It hurts me every single day.
I also have the last memory of my nan in the hospital amd as i was leaving she gave me a little smile and a wave and off we went.
She died 2am that next morning