Not coping after disclosure

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Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

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i dont think i should be here

i dont want to make anyone worried

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Hi Pepper
thank you for replying


I dont bother hiding how I feel on here anymore, many can pick up when not being open about something so I just let it flow out. Hmm wish I would do that during therapy sessions.
I cant help but think all of this, everything, is my fault. Everytime I make that step, that one tiny little step theres something that bouces back to me and says no way for that you can go 10 steps backwards. I dont know anymore.
And its not just about the abuse anymore, theres so much more including the secondary trauma (my sisters dog attack which I blame myself for because I should have done something, anything but yet I stood there unable to move or speak or scream or anything. And that wasnt fun in the aftermath because it required me staying home a night with the perpretartor, double whammy 😞 ) witnessing DV, health issues, and everything.
I just dont want to do it.
Ive got a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a gp whom two of them I see weekly and the other one I see every 3 weeks. So the health professionals are in charge any more control and Ill end up in hospital. Again..
hmm the stupid safety plan that doesnt help me. I always turn to that and it doesnt help and I always end up the same way I was before I started it.
I feel like a total idiot and a worthless case.

[startingnew]

HI my dearest Nan


yes, that I have. I cant control it anymore. I just dont want to do it, I dont have it within me to keep going anymore. I want to hide away from the world and never come back out. I dont even know what to do anymore.
Home- what support? Its the same as before I went into hospital
community- they set me back up with the psychologist and that was it
and I go to endless gp, psychiatrist and psychologist appointments which dont really seem to be helping anyway. I dont really know why I bother.


I have looked from the outside and I see nothing has changed despite what im doing.
Im not getting anywhere and I cant change anything. Ive tried it, I tried and failed at that too. It doesnt matter what I do anymore.


Giving thanks isnt trigger to me, I was already in this state while writing it. This is the only thing keeping me up right now. I have lsot my zest for life and right now thats very dangerous at this point esp after today. I need to do something, find something thats going to help.


I wanted to give thanks. Its not something that needed to eb done but rather something I wanted to do.
Well then how do I change my thoughts as you have. I dont know how to do that because I agree with my thoughts.


I havent made progess, thats whats scareing me. I want to see soeme sort of progress yet I see nothing escept this black empty hole.

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She has a shadow
it follows her around everyday
it haunts her in her sleep
it haunts her in every way


darkness fills her heart, it fills her soul
the darkness swollows her whole
it creeps into her eyes
but she will tell you shes fine


behind the smile there are tears
inside her heart there hold many fears
in her eyes the darkness sits there
theres no strength left, only despair


if you listen closley, you will hear pain
and right now shes struggling to stay sane

[Peppermintbach]

Hi SN,

Beautiful, evocative poem. I think that anyone reading it, including me, can feel your pain through your words. I wonder if poetry is an emotional outlet for you; I know many people benefit from poetry writing....

Good for you- I think it's brave- that you're so upfront about your feelings. Much braver than me in some ways...have to hand it to you...

You must be so drained and overwhelmed by everything- past and present- that is going on. Thanks for updating me on who you're seeing (professionally) as I wasn't aware before but now I know...I'm glad you're receiving help.

Ah yes, it does sound like your safety plan isn't quite right for you. Perhaps it's time to revise it? Maybe you can discuss it with your psychologist.

Also, I hear you on how it can be hard to be open with your feelings in therapy. How about printing some of your thread to show your psychologist next time? They might be better at supporting you if they knew the extent of your pain...after all, you are worthy of treatment and help.

Kind thoughts and take care over the upcoming weekend (and in general),

Pepper xx

[Just Sara]

Hello darling;

You're not going backwards ok. You're progressing thru the stages as I did. Just because I write a paragraph telling of my success, it doesn't mean I didn't hurt for a long, long time. I lived in fear that I'd be like that forever just as you feel now.

The point I'm making, is that it's like a physical injury; if it's severe, only time and treatment can help it heal. You have to be patient with yourself and know that each day's different. Some are better than others, and when you begin to have more not so bad days, this says you're doing it!

Just by writing those magnificent words the other day, it tells me you're surely progressing. You're accepting help; you're talking without editing your pain and you're self assessing. It's great work! Baby steps...

When I was 19, I contracted a very bad virus. I was bed ridden for weeks while my mother cared for me at home. My doctor came everyday to administer injections. The headaches were unbearable and my high temp caused hallucinations. I honestly thought I'd die. Every living moment I feared I'd fall victim to this pain and anguish. Eventually though, little by little, I began to get better.

I told my GP a few yrs ago of the symptoms and she was shocked I wasn't in Intensive Care. She said I probably had encephalitis (inflammation of the brain) or meningitis. (inflammation of the membrane surrounding the brain and down into the neck) Both could've killed me.

My GP at that time was negligent. So the thing that saved me was 'me'; I refused to die. Survival instincts are intrinsically inside us. Those who're abused have a really high level of instinctive aptitude; we know how to cope and get thru trauma better than others, even if it's life threatening.

Keep telling yourself; 'This too shall pass', because it will. ok?

Read the page I told you to print out everyday; make it part of your survival kit.

I'm in your corner hun

Love Nan xoxo

[startingnew]

Hi Pepper


I often find that poetry can portray things better than what I can write so soemtimes if im lost for words sometimes its better to write a poem.
I only seem brave here, im not brave in life form though I wish I was.
And yes im drained and overwhelmed by everything and it NEVER eases and just when I think things are going ok then something else bad happens. How can it just be a coincidence that everytime I do omething positive its smacked down by a negative. And I have plenty of examples where this has happened.
Yeah bloody professionals that are seeming to be helping me but they arent. I do need to update my safety plan. You can help if you want to?
Im not taking anything to do with the forums anywhere. This is the only private life I have and I nearly lost this too. So im being very careful when and where I type or have this screen open.
I think they kow the extent of the pain, ive been told many times that I should have been in hospital a long while ago. And they keep telling me to go the a 4 week program but im not doing that.

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my Nan


I dont know the stages. Is this the pointless I want to die stage cause thats where im at and I dont know how to stop it. A lot of the time I dont know why the thoughts pop up but then it makes me think of the reasons why I thought that in the first place and then its a never ending circle.
Im in constant fear of whats lurking behind every corner, whose watching, whos lsitening, whose following, theres danger in every part of the world and theres no escape.


Ive been patient and trying to do my best to keep going but I just dont know how much longer I can keep holding on. My hopes that things are going to get better are slipping.


Im sorry you went through that illness, but im glad you made it through that and your still here.


I hope you use those words for you too. I love you more than words can write and I can only hope that my love can be felt through the screens

[startingnew]

i think im going to loose my job and my friends. i might have to give up my lease on my new horse and i have this overwhelming fear that if i give her up then im going to loose everything

[Peppermintbach]

Hi SN,

Big, big virtual hug...not as good as the real deal but it will have to do in cyberland.

Oh "bravery" is such a strange word...it can mean so many different things to different people.To me, bravery is vulnerability and daring to feel the full spectrum of human emotions (the good and the bad). It's not about fearlessness in my opinion.

I am the opposite of brave; queens of avoidance (like me) are frightened sheep at heart. You? You're much braver than me because you dare to put some of your darkest feelings out there; you owe up and "own" your pain if that makes any sense. Vulnerability is bravery sometimes, I think.

It must be hard when the negatives make the positive gains pale in comparison. I just wish life would give you a break sometimes (sighs). Easier said than done but I think you just need to "ride out" each wave of pain.

There are many moments- still are- where I am in so much (emotional) pain that I can barely stand up. You don't know about it because I don't really write about it here or I gloss over it or whatever...

Maybe continue to channel some of your pain into your poetry if it helps...I use music and what my friends call my "creepy art" as my outlets. I just ride out each wave- take each one as it comes without overthinking the next one...I think that is key for me...

Sure, I respect that this is your place to "let loose" and that you don't want to share it with the professionals. Sorry to suggest that and thanks for your honesty.

Credit to you for wanting to update your safety plan...great stuff, SN! I'm happy to support you to revise it. But ultimately it has to come from you because it's something you have to be comfortable with...I'm happy to assist though...

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xx