I'm here Essen and I've read your post to me;
It seems you've gone from one end of the spectrum to the other my sweet. You haven't written like this for quite a while, so I'm wondering where you're at in terms of support at home, in your community and how you're supporting yourself.
Pepper's written a fantastic response with amazing words of encouragement. She see's you the way I do. It's because you're still here fighting the good fight, even though life throws curve balls when you least expect it.
What I've noticed, is that when something unpleasant occurs, you grieve, become soft and vulnerable, then you begin to berate yourself as if the world's wrongs are on your shoulders; this pattern is self destructive.
There's time for cuddles and aloneness, there's also times to be strong. More than this though, there needs to be time for self assessing; being productive in watching yourself from a distance. It's about changing patterns of behaviour and communication.
Giving thanks and praise to us is a mighty big step for you hun. I believe it may have been a trigger to bring out the self loathing stuff to be dealt with. Our brains work like this sometimes. Your old self destructive beliefs need to be changed because they're toxic and aren't true...they just aren't ok!
I used to do the same thing when good things happened; I caused an argument or problem so I'd fulfil the beliefs about myself as being unlovable or unworthy. These days I catch my mind mid sentence and tell myself its the past and to stop it. It's sort of like parenting ourselves, only from a functional adult perspective. The wounded child you once were mustn't be allowed to be in control.
One of the most important processes I had to face, was forgiving myself. No-one else thought of me as harshly as the way I thought of myself; that's where you're at. Just because you think of yourself this way, it doesn't mean others do too, because that's pure rubbish.
If you think about it, when you were 16 you'd only had the ability to speak properly for 10 yrs. In that time you were busy developing a sense of self and where you fit in the world. The man who manipulated and sexually abused you had the advantage of many more yrs experience, so why would you think you were at fault? It doesn't make sense!
You've made such amazing progress and I think this scares you. I know it scared me. It's a new way of thinking, being, acting and accepting.
I'm here to chat...
Nan xoxo
