Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

Hi Mrs D
I dont know how much I can live like this or at all. So many things
just seem to keep piling up!



Hi James
TBH I dont know how to answer that question because I really dont know. I dont.

[startingnew]

im a complete friggin idiot.the drs appointment went ok i suppose. i told her about the shaking, tremours, throwing up and paranoia and shes goignt o speak to my psychiatrist about the mediations as well.my psychiatrist has been really good and she said its up to me but if itll ake it easier for me then shes quite happy to refer me to another psychiatrist and she said she also understands how diffiuclt it is for me to see her esp after the last blowup phone conversation and that it has probably strianed the realtionship between me and her. she said its totally up to me shes happy to continue seeing me or shes happy to transfer me to someone else. i think my gp is thinking about pullng me out of the victims of crime service sounselling becasue of my high distress levels already, she said see how i get on at the next session and we can go from there. i ahve that psych appointment tomorrow and then i see her again n friday. i think ill need to see her becasue of the converstaion im about to endure tonight when mum and her bf get home. ive also have to wait for a phone call back from my mental health team in regards to those psych sessions and assessments. shes in tomorrow-the paych ive been assignened since ive changed- and ive left her msgs to call me back so i want it sorted out tomorrow ive sent my mother a msg sayign that im going back onto medications- only said something because my paranoia is getting worse and think this could be a way to im hoping ease the paranoia and also the tension in the house but now i think i shouldnt have as she sent me a face with steam coming out its ears and i know very much what that means. im shi**ing myself for tonight.

[Doolhof]

Hi Startingnew,

I don't know what to suggest to help you. Hope you manage to find some answers for yourself.

Only you know what is happening there. I can not walk in your shoes. I can only make suggestions from what has worked in my own life.

Hope you manage to find the light at the end of the tunnel!

Thinking of you from Mrs. D.

[startingnew]

Im getting the death stares and silent treatment from my mum

And the bf is about to be home

This is why i was hidingeverything. I knew they were going to act this way

[startingnew]

they said why do you need them and i said becasue i want to actually sleep and to reduce some of the side effects.

mums bf- where are you getting them from, what are they, whats the name of them?

me- im getting them from my gp from a chemist- i dont know the name of them (small white lie)

mums bf- so you jsut need sleeping tablets

me- no- i need anti depressants so im going back on them

him- why dont you sleep

me- becasue im a freaking insomniac!

him- so out of all those tablets i threw out one of those were sleeping tablets

me- yep

him- walk out of room and low and behold brings all of my medications back out! which one is it?i looked and told him what all of them were and i said theses- ones- are the sleeping tablets

him- so not antidepressants

me- sleeping mixed in wiht mood stabilisers (anti-psychotics) so both in the one tablet

him- so no AD

me- nope i jsut told you what they were

him- ok you can have them back

gee thanks for that. cant friggin take them with the new medications im on as they are for sleep anyway. so pretty useless. glad i hid those medications.

convo continues:

him- you dont need them and i dont want you on the ADs

me- well i do and i need to be on them

him- no you dont

me- yes i do

him- whyme- i just told you why

looks at me blankly- me repeats-becasue i dont sleep and i want to reduce some of the physical side effects of anxiety

him- you dont need ADs and i dont want you on them

me- yes i do

him- you know your life isnt that hard, you make it all up in your head. you need to stop looking into the past and figure out what to do with your life now. youve got a horse now do that and stop listening to those other so called health professionals

him- you still think you need ADs

me- yep

him- again- your life isnt that hard you actually have it pretty good

my mother stayed quiet the whole time and didnt stick up for me or anything. not one word oh except for- im no workign on friday you can go to bf mums house on thursday if you want. im not safe there now either.

[startingnew]

i was so angry but now im so upset its hard to hold the tears back, im in bed now hiding under the covers as i do. im defeated. it wont be the first or the last time i cry myself to sleep, might help me sleep from exhaustion. then while im in bed.

im on my comp now and aas im on the top bunk with no rungs- i climb up the cupboard to get up here, i asked my middle sister if she could get my comp charger.

her- no

me- please

her- yeah eventually

me- can you get it now for me before my comp dies

her- why dont you just get off the computer

me- becasue im doing stuff

her- what stuff

me- does it concern you

her- i was just asking

me- im working

her- no response

me- can you please go get it for me its about to die

her- yeah eventaully- she also continues to play her game plus start a new one

me- fine ill get it- had to scamper back down get it and then climb back up

im completely shattered and have no fight in me at all.i cant tell them that im going to see my pschologist tomorrow- cause shes in the catagory- so called health professionals. at this point in time i dont want to go either. i want to run away, from here from everything but its ok my life is easy

[Just Sara]

Hey Essen;

Thankyou for the amazing stuff you wrote about me in the Bouquet thread hun, how beautiful words affect us all hey?

Your post above reminds me of nights with my sister when I was a girl. As much as I loved her, she could be a right spiteful biartch at times. (giggling as I remember) We talk about those days sometimes without the emotion, and laugh out loud at how we fought.

The thing is, it's totally normal to argue and be like this to each other when young. As you both get older things will change and mutate into support and talking about old times; hopefully without resentment.

At the moment, life's getting on top of you so you're going to react far bigger than you would otherwise. Until things start to settle with you, try to see things from a distant perspective. Crying yourself to sleep isn't nice, I really feel for you hun.

After my time off, I tried to slip into writing gradually without too much emphasis on serious matters. This morning I was back on board replying to first time posters which I haven't done in ages. I'm sorry I haven't caught up with you until now my sweet.

I'm glad you're seeing your psych tomorrow, hope all goes well. I'm going to rant about hospital again; I won't give up on you. I know in my heart it's a break you'd thank me for eventually. A time just for you and nobody else; the world won't stop turning while you're away.

Take care my lovely...

Sara xo

[startingnew]

Thanks Sara

I dont have too much time at the moment to write the response you deserve. Im just sitting in the ED at the moment. Will update when i can

Sorry- i know u deserve heaps more

[Doolhof]

Hi Starting new,

Hope you get the help you need!

Cheers from Mrs. D.

[startingnew]

Hi Sara




Im out now and
havent been able to get back on until now. I wont say what happen I
know what youu would say




Im really glad you
liked the bouquets too, it still just doesnt seem enough to thank
you.




Yeah me and my
sisters squabble ALOT and sometimes it gets outta hand but like you
sometimes we get along. Atm them being mean is the least of my
worries. My worries are the fact that I cant seem to get my
medications and when I do my mother and her bf thrown them in the bin
and I was on a high dose and pretty much went cold turkey on them
but there want much I could do they kept getting thrown out.


Yes life is over the
top, I guess you could say it is buried me alive because I cant seem
to get ontop of it anymore. It seems the more I try to get my life in
order the worse it gets and I get punished for it.


You dont have to
apologise- I get it- people can only do what they can even superwoman




the psych
appointment today was a waste of time. The appointment was suppsoe to
go for 45-60 minutes and it only went for half an hour. Didnt even
feel like that. Shes pretty much put it bluntly to me that she cant
help me until I tell her the full story of the sexual abuse.



I asked for help
with the extremeley vivid flashbacks and she just said to use
mindfullnes- that was the end of it
then she said is
that all youd like to talk about today?