Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

Now while the cons
outweigh the pros, I think ive made the right choice to still decide
to take her on. 6 months isnt a long time and im sure itll work out
which means all the work I put into her wont go to waste. I think
the main thing that has swayed me towards getting her is the fact
that its something to get me out of my usual relentless
responsibilities schedule, so something to look forward to and put my
energy towards. Instead of being Destructive BE constructive. Having
being able to get out of the relentless work- to me when I look
forward to my horses they arent work and to me this isnt work- it
gives me another postive reason to live. Even though ill have to
travel more where the new horse is itll be my time and my special
place without my naggin mother and sisters.

Ill have to pick up
more work BUT ive already worked that out. Ive found that I often
have a few free hours in the day and can increase my paddock cleaning
hours and ive already had a few hits for next week. They are aware
that if I get a phone call from my pop he comes first and they are
happy with that as they only pay by the hour by every hour is a few
more dollars in the pocket towards the new horse so it kinda doesnt
make a different to my finanaces. Ive worked out if I do 5 hours of
paddock cleaning each week then it pays me expenses for the new horse
plus I have spare to put away as savings for like when she needs her
feet done teeth and their general care. So... so far its working to
my advantage lets hope it stays this way hey

[startingnew]

I tried to get rid of you, scrubbed myself raw yet you still live in me
but yet you still continue to exist, your everywhere, how could that be
nowhere to hide but no one to tell, I kept it to myself


it all my fault, I agreed
so in one way I let him succeed
day after day, night after night
I continued to have this fright

The pain and nightmares become real

what am I suppose to feel
what do I say
when my hopes are fading away
im the walking dead
stuck with these horrid memories inside my head

[startingnew]

i jsut want it to go away.
sometimes i wish i could jsut have the attitude
"so it happened? ok so now its over so lets move on with life"

but it never goes that way- the memories and stupid thoughts and feelings and sensations always bring it back to it and its shocking!

why cant i just move on
why cant i jsut be normal

[Doolhof]

HI Startingnew,

Somehow you need to find a way to let these torturous thoughts out of your mind. Does it help you to write of the horror as you have done so here?

Can you write out all of your hurts on some paper, keep going until there is nothing left to write. Cry all the tears you need to along the way. Rip those papers up into a million pieces, then get another piece of paper and write down all of the positives in your life that you can think of.

Write down ways you can be thankful for what you do have.

When these horrid memories come into your mind, try to find ways to distract them. Start to sing a song, count back for a hundred in multiples of three, try anything that will distract you from reliving this over and over again.

How is the new horse4r going? I am wondering if you are using caring for the horse as an excuse for not getting the care that you need? I still think some time in hospital will be very beneficial for you.

Sometimes we put up road blocks to our own recovery for some strange reason I don't understand.

Fighting for better mental health is worth it. People are out there trying to help, let them. It is the only way you are going to get better, to fight alongside of these people.

You are worth it!

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[startingnew]

Hi Mrs D

I dont know how to channel these thoughts, nothing seems to work for me anymore. Ive gotta find more strategies as all mine dont work and pretty much bore me now and I just dont do them now.

Sometimes it helps. I find writing it out esp in porm form helps to get the feelings out as I cant express them otherwise.

I havent tried what you have suggested yet- the paper one. At the moment there isnt much posititives going on and im struggling to keep a lid on the box with the S Plans and the other one that stops me from reasoning to SH.
Ive been 2 weeks now without SH though.


The new horse is going ok I suppose though I dont really get to see her as much as id like- ive been pretty slack because of having to watch sisters and their weekend commitments and my appointments etc through the week.
I had to decline going out with some ladies who invited me to go hang with them tomorrow with the horses but mum is yet again working and my sister has a commitment that I need to get her too so cant do that. Hopefully ill at least be able to take a breather later on
tomorrow arvo to go see the new horse at least.


I know going to hospital would be beneficial, I really do but last time I even suggested it. It casued a massive blowup in the familiy and now I cant speak, move breathe without doing something wrong. They even threw out all my Ads and sleeping tablets, anti nausea tablets, antihistamines, and antipsychotics. At this point im too broken to even fight with them anymore. I am on new medications now and have been for a week alreadya nd they havent got a clue about them. I know I should say something but I cant itll casue another blowup and then the next one they will have a go at is my gp and they will try to stop me from going there as well. They already try their very best not to let me go to the psychiarist and im sure they have people spying on me. Im super paranoid and hate even leaving the house now because I feel like im being watched

[startingnew]

my mind is convinced my mother and her bf and people spying on me.

anytime someone walks past the house who isnt a regular person i see i freak out and now i find it easier to keep all the blinds and doors shut. otherwise i think someones going to jump up at the window at any minute.

everywhere i drive i think someone is watching where ever i go esp when i head towards the drs, psychiatrist or psychologist or any other health professional

im convinced that there are hidden cameras in my house too

i dont answer my phones now nor do answer the door unless im epecting things or its the postie/delivery van

so now this is adding to it

[startingnew]

ive had my youngest sister for two days off school with mum being at work and its driving me nuts! al all weekend ive had the both of them!

my middle sister had a riding lesson, so she was out of the way for an hour but the youngests sister made up for it.

she still has the remnants of a cold and i dont want it flared up becasue she doesnt want to stay out of the freezing cold wind. so i asked her to stay in the car and sit int he backseat while i got the other horse in so i could start feeding it so i could hurry up and get out of there.

shes 6 and i thought she mightve ahd a bit of respect to just sit there for 2 minutes all i had to do was open the gate and let the horse in.

and while i was going over to the gate she kept climbing all through my car.

she broke my centre console from her jumping on it to keep gettign from the back to the front seat. not happy about that

then while i was there i had to clean up the old paddock the sick horse was using becasue we rotated paddocks for her- thank god for that i dont ahve to see the bullies as much.i was having trouble with the 6 yr old and the bullies mum comes over and said i WANT you to clean the paddock up before you leave, mind you the horse only got moved this morning by the paddock owners and the road was unaccessabe from roadworks for a few hours so she moved her for me. i

was getting to that but i also had 2 sisters to watch, and three other horses to feed, rug and cleant he paddocks of so i was getting there.then i got zapped by the electric fence twice today. both while trying to drag out the communal shovel and wheelbarrow that keps getting moved everytime someone see me use it.

[startingnew]

so this time i had to climb through two strands of electric fencing and it got me twice.

then not thinking i coudnt start my car and i though flat battery but i realsed i was that flustered with all the commotion of the horses and yelling sisters i put my car in reverse and then tried to start it- it wont start unless in park- so after i fixed that issue off we went.

then while driving i dont know what was going through my head but i felt like i was all over the road all kept going onto the guttering grass part of the road, also when i went around a corner i took it too closley and went up the gutter!i ahd to go the chemist today and it has underground parking and a small gap to get through to turn around to get back out so as i parked front in- i hit the wall then on the way out scraped the backend of my car so now i has black scratch mark spots in the front and back of it then while i was out my friggin car over heated and ive found out i need a new radiator!

i mean what the actual heck!!

so ive been pretty flustered all day and even as i speak theres still so much commotion going on int eh house with the sisters yell playing and its so loud! and the tensions are still really high between me and mum and her bf.

i also wont be able to get away this week for a night or two at the other place because 1 mums working and 2 the lady has a stomach bug so ill eb satying away from there this week.

mums day off is thursday and friday but those two days im flat out yet again so again wont ahve time for myself. im tempted to just cancel everything on thursday and go spend the day with D like i want to doand again ill have the kids all weekend coming whihc means i wont get ride in of my own.

i ahvent ridden for 4 months becasue ive always got the kids and dont have time to.

in among all these things ive been told by my two sisters that im a crap rider becasue of certain ways i ride- i physically cant do because of injuries. and i said also your guys get to ride evey weekend i dont becasue im always watching you and they stuck their tongues out at me. and also- mums boyfriend today you never do anything around the house. mum and i work and dont want to clean up when we get home and our days off we want to do stuff to and not clean up.so way to go him- hes really improved my moods (not!)

so ive a Right Bas**d of a day and im ready to go to bed which i doubt i will- i dont sleep and when i do its full of nightmares so i question the point of sleeping anyway

[Doolhof]

Hi Startingnew,

Only you know the situation you are in. From what you have written, I really do think it is time you moved out for a while and have yourself put in hospital. It does not sound like you are going to be able to improve at all the way you are living.

Now may be the time for you to do that before something really crazy happens.

Your family will manage without you. Life will go on.

But how much longer can you live this way?

[james1]

Hey SN,

I haven't posted here for a while but I've been following your posts and I'm sorry to hear about all the things that have been happening in your life recently. The home situation sounds like it's really scary and overwhelming, but it is good to hear though that you are still trying to find strategies to help you.

I am not sure how to fix some of those issues at home. They sound pretty hard and are maybe things to look at later down the track when you are in a safer place.

Do you mind if I ask how else you feel like we could help?

Like your doctors, we want to be able to help you, but you're sounding very overwhelmed right now and I'd want to make sure we can support you in the way you want and need.

James