Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[Falling_Angel]

hey SN , how has today panned out for you?

well i hope im sooo sorry i havent been on im became very unwell but today is a better day no more surgery for a while justt concentrate on fixing me back and sorting out my son and his wife have split up sooo its a horrible time atm...

im proud of you for continuing and i think your stronger than u give yourself credit for ..ill be here watching on/off but if u dont hear from me for a few days dont worry -hugs- xo FA

[startingnew]

of course Steph i do remember you (heart)

[startingnew]

Mrs D- not for a week no but ive been away from home for a few days at the moment

yes the appointments were upsetting but im alive and will see another day

thank you for you suuport and advice its very much appreciated

FA- please dont be sorry you havent been here, though ive been worried i know that sometimes its easier and better to just stay away until well enough to respond. i hope you can work through those hard things too. ive missed you but know when your not here im with you too

[startingnew]

Ok today has been a very loooong day

so first up the DRS
I went into see the
gp and explained to her about the situation with the medications,
what happened at the last psychiatrist appointment on saturday. I
explained to her my situation and I asked if she was going to ring my
mother and she said nope not a chance. I can see what drama a phone
call has caused for you already. And I was telling her about them
wanting to come to an appointment with me even though I didnt want
them too and she has pretty much said they are not coming in here
unless I say they are. If its going to cause me that much distress
them being in here shes not letting them in to the appointment. Shes
going to call my psychiatrist and get more of the story as I didnt
get to hear the whole conversation to start with casue it wasnt on
speaker phone.
Ive asked her to
speak and discuss if a medication ive suggested will work for me. But
im still in the predicament that I cant hide it but if I have them at
home then they will get thrown out.

I do need to be on
them at least until I can get better abit more and then start to at
least reduce the dose but I cant keep going as I am. I go back to
the gp on friday and ill find out how the converstaion went between
them 2. she asked about the cyst but didnt get into it or checked it
either.

[startingnew]

PSYCHOLOGIST-
the first session
was really nerve wracking. She doesnt look anything like I had
imagined. She was nice and we talked about the dignoses, the
situation at home, my past and the event and a few other things. It
was quite draining and nerve wracking.

I went to the wrong
place to start with and that didnt help the nerves either.

We will be having a
session each week except next week but after that its every week
after that.

She wont be ringing
my mother either and she did say to me that she is required to write
a report to victoms f crime but its only very breif and pretty much
just sayin yep she thinks I need therapy for this event. Thats ok
with me. So I guess it went ok today, just very draining and brought
up a lot of memories.


Tomorrow I have a
paddock cleaning job, and have to do the sick horse as well- despite
being away from home I dont seem to be doing much RELAXING!!

then on friday I
have the gp and then I also have time- I hope- to meet a new horse
and see how that works out.

[Falling_Angel]

Hey SN wow u have been busy. i hope that it works out for you ....just look after yourself plz. ill catch u soon -hugs- FA XO

[Doolhof]

Hi SN,

It sounds like you might be getting answers and the help that you need. You mentioned about the medication being thrown out if it was found at home, is it your parents who would toss it out?

Is it possible for you to have your parents present at one appointment so the Dr can tell them you need help? Would that help or cause more problems?

At present I am doing fairly well. On a new medication myself, well actually an extra top up to form a combination of drugs. Hopefully it will help.

Is there no one else who can look after the sick horse so you can give your body some well deserved rest?

Hope your appointments go well for you.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[startingnew]

yes FA i have been super busy and its still bloody going though i do have some good news that i can share.

[startingnew]

Hi Mrs D

yeah im talking about my mother and her bf that would throw the medications out- i cannot wait to move out of home or for them to move out of mine whichever comes first! they already did throw out my last medications all three of them plus my old ones as well so really all 4 medications that were associated with Mi plus two of them were to reduce the side effects such as the nausea and itching

if they came to an appointment it would make it worse, they have already made me that emabrrassed about going and the arguing over the phone i cant face my psychiatrist, i struggle to get to my gp and the mentla health team is freaking me out from the constant calls and pushing me into things. im really not comfortable going to this male psych and ive already told them that yet they insist on calling me three times a day and trying to amke an appointment with the male psych. what dont they get i am not going to see him

[startingnew]

OK so FINALLY son
GOOD news!





So remember how I
was telling you guys about a horse I was going to look at?
Well we finally were
able to arrange a time that both suited us which was very quick and
that was today.

So I went and I
tried her and ive decided to take her.





I did weigh up the
pros and cons of this which were

PROS
itll give me another reason to live
something else to focus on rather than inside my head all the time
where she is it can be MY special place to get away from everyone and everything



CONS
she will require more feeding and an increase in finances because of the tlc requrired
and the general care they need
she will require more of my time
she will require more TLC than the other horses
She wont be located in the same place as the other horses so will have to travel to 2 different properties each day
Will have to get another Job
I have her for 6months on a lease and then be reviewed and If it works out then I
sign the owner papers and she will be mine, if not she takes her back
and my work on her goes to waste