Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[Falling_Angel]

OHHH SN , something has to give ???

what can i do for you ? if anything ? im feeling your frusutration and urgency from little cold tassie ....

i wish i knew what to say but i dont im only letting u know im here for you best i can .

let me know how today goes , stay strong FA XO -HUGS-

[startingnew]

well im in nsw so thats 2 states away so must be coming out loud and clear FA

im at my wits end at the moment im trying the hardest i can

you dont have to say anything, just you being here is enough

hugs back to you

[startingnew]

ok wow fnally someone is taking this seriously! someone is listening to me, i just now wish for this horrible horrible thoughts and feelings to ease up and finally start to make some sort of progress which would be great right about now!

i went to this new gp while mine is away and im glad i went today.it was a longer appointment jsut to get a bit of details etc but we covered how i was feeling and my thoughts etc. she said its really important that i ring 000 is this continues becasue im at the point now where the next step is where i might intend to act on these thoughts. it is time for some serious help.

shes made sure and even had to show her i had the helpline numbers in my phone and she re gave me the mental health team in my area as well as they apparently can organise an emergent home psychiatrsit visit or soemthing for an assessment and i wasnt aware of that.

she had made me an urgent appintment to see my psychatrist to keep an eye out as well and i see her tomorrow at 9am.

she gave me my swabs back for downstairs and it istnt thrush but some sort of other infection so she gave me antibiotics for it and she checked the lump thing and she said it has burst which is why the symptoms as well.

i told her this was the second time it happened she said its likeley it will happened again but next time it happens as soon as it look the way it did before as in its coming to a point like its going to pop- cover it and try not to pop it and book an urgent appointment and she will do a draining procedure to fully clear it out but as it has already popped she doesnt want to try and drain it as yet as the antibiotics i have might do the trick and destroy both germs in one go.

[startingnew]

she said becasue im under so much stress my immune system is low so i am abit more susceptable to germs and them getting worse atm.the gp said to make an appintment next week and becasue i usually book online i didnt stop at reception- the gp put an urgent ring for the reception to ring until i answer give it three goes otherwise she was sending someone out to check on me, but i answered the first time but they told me that as well.they said she wants to actually see me twice a week and if i dont come in or i dont ahve a valid reason then they were sending someone out.so they rung me and made an appointment for wednesday and friday next week.i also havve my nurse next wednesday as well andnext wednesday i also have my first psychologist appointment with the new one that is alot of appointments but i guesss if its going to help me stop going to hospital then its what i have to do.

[startingnew]

ive been trying to make the right decsions that i think are right and eveytime i think hmm ok im on the right track BAM nope i am not. guess what my mother now has the friggin stomach bug so now the kids are going to be with me even more now what the heck have i dont to deserve all this crap!
and this nausea is seriously rediculous!

[startingnew]

Todays psychiatrist and today in general
I went to my psychiatrsit appointment this morning
im not going back and im also not on any medications either now- not that I have much choice at all.I thoughtd I would be honest and say how I felt and she said shes writing me a refferral up to go to hospital until I can get my medications sorted and that way I can increase them faster and be monitored as well.
Then she insisted on calling my mother, I knew it wasnt going to go well and boy was I RIGHT!

[startingnew]

the phone call turned into an argument- my mothr kept msging me through the session telling me to get home
they were so angry at me for not opening up to them
it turned into an argument while I was there at the appointment.
It really set my anxiety off and I was dripping with sweat because of itwhen I got hope I got yelled at and bossed around, got told that all this was in my head and that its a load of bull sh**t . im not going onto my medications anymore and all of them are now in the bin including the sleeping tablets. So I have nothing now at all.
Im not going to hospital accodording to them. My stupid psychitrsit told them about my sh thoughts even though I said not to.They dont know that ive had suicide thoughts or that I actaully have had self harmthey had ago at me telling me that im not going to hospital because I dont belong there and its only for peopl who you see in emergency who are yelling and screaming and are out of control running around in nihgt gowns.

[startingnew]

My mother had a go at me and said I never told her anything and I gave her numerous examples including what shes thoguth about my psych, her reaction to when I first asked for help, plus whe I offered many times o talk to my gp and my psychitrist and they said no, tried to inform her of medications and they wanted nothing to do with it.They dont know about the sexual abuse or the hpv and I wont be telling them that either.Mums boyfriend has made it clear that he will be coming to one of my gp appointments and I have 2 a week and that wont be happening not a chance ill keep cancelling and only go when he is at work and I wont be saying when they are
my mother made me feel even worse because apparently my sister and pop over heard the conversation about hospital and almost gave my pop a heart attack and my sister burst out crying
ive been demanded that I go tomy mums boysfriends mums house for a night or to to sort out my thoughts- yep thats going to be so awseome NOT!

Then we started with the jobs- I need a real job because I can have another job and still look after my pop.Then we got into it that ill propbably loose my job because shes told centrelink and if I get any worse they will take me off it and I wont be able to go back onto itthey think ive wasted all my money seeing psycholoigists and psychiatrists as well and that seeing a psychologist is a load of s**tI told them I have been diagnoses with all these things and they said thats because its been drilled into my head that I have them

[startingnew]

so tonight im going to some strangers house and ive been demanded to make a lsit of eveythign thts bothering me and they are going to try to work it out. Htye still didnt listen to me properly though. They never will when they thing my diagnoses re a load of crap.I was suppose to go to the drs today to get an antihistamine because im scrtaching like crazy like bugs crawing under my skin for the past few days and the psychitrist thinks that it is from the new abelts but I ahvent gone. So at the moment im on no tablets and im surprised im allowed to stay on the antibitics the way they are caring on, but I need to stay on them before this cyst gets worse. Then the gp was suppose to call the psychiatrist but I havent gone.The mental health assessment team has been trying to get in contact with me now and wants me to ring them back. I ahvent answered any phone calls since this morning. I know they are ringing from my psychiatrist appointment this morning and im surprised they havent sent someone around. Im waiting for it but I cant do much about it if they do come I suppose. There was a knock at the door not that long ago and it scared the crap out of me because I thought it was them

[startingnew]

ive been a total zombie all day and even when I was getting talked at I pretty much just stared at the floor and let them ramble on because I had nothing to say and when I said I dont now then it was the whole you do no I dont do self pity blah blah blahthe issues im dealing with- money bullies, no friends and all the rest im over reacting and over exagerating it

they also said I need to get my own life