Not coping after disclosure

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Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

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Dear Sara


your response was
fine- it did show that you cared and as I said before I would rather
honestly which is what you gave me but again I apologise


im sorry this has
added to your woes this wasnt suppose to happen I really am sorry.

It does the same
thing to me to see others in pain as well so I get it and I do most
efinently know how much life can get on top of you. I hope you get
all the rest you need and ill be here for you when you return.

Your in my thoughts too

missing you already

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i think ive made up my mind about what to do...... i can only hope its the right decision..

as much as i think i need to go to hospital i think i should leave that for the people who need it more than i do and wait until i really really need it.ive decided though that there is going to have tp be some changes made to the household and my responsibilitis so i can take that time out. i do think though that i will try to get a way fro a day or two by myself to recouperate though after the sick horse is better i did make an appointment to see a psychologist- the one i got approved for the sexual abuse counselling- i might need hospital when i start talking about that until then i think i need to keep using my strategies to help myself

I had the vet out today and she needs another course of antiobiotics which means another week of going there three times a day. he comes again on thursday arvo to check on here jsut to check on it which means another $100 so far our bill is at 350!!!and petrol is costing me a fortune, ive already done 1000ks in a fortnight and still have to keep going as i do i dont know how i feel about the decsion as yet and really i dont even know where to start with it

i know there needs to be changes but im at a loss of even where to start

ive picked up another study course as wellat the moment im not cleaning paddocks or doing holiday care as it isnt quite holidays as yet so ive got a few weeks off there but the horse is taking up that tme but i put aside an hour to study as well im going to try and incorapte things or slowly have things changed for the better but im not really sure where to start on thatand i wont be telling my mother either until i decie to have a night away and she doesnt need an excuse she wants me to grow up thats what im going to do and im sick of being called a psychopath

my first appointment with the new psychologist is next wednesday. im terrifed though as now its getting into the deeper stuff and i dont know if i can handle it i guess theres only one way to find out

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im abit concerned about my thoughts at the moment.i was doing the horse this arvo not that long ago and my sister really annoyed me being super ungrateful and all i could think about was what damage i could do to myelf

i need some sort of help and i dont think this plan of mine is going to work too welli think i need to put myself first for once and do what i have to do to fix these thoughts

if its not suicide thoughts then its self harm ones and its starting to worry me

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im freaking out

i dont know what to do

i dont know how to cope

i dont know anything

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well i cant go anywhere now or go to hospital and now my plan has completley FAILED!now im at a loss and i dont know what to do or how to change anything

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my horse needs more treatment again and this time i have to continue 3 times a day plus cleaning out 2 paddocks, feeding and watering plus having to feed the other 2 horses that we have at a separate paddock.

my horse hasnt been exercised for a few weeks becasue lve been flat out and not well.so theres that. i tried ti make a simple change today and that hasnt gone to paln either and if i cant make a simple change then how can i make other changes. the vet said in front of me and my mother (rare occasion shes there) but he said morning about 8 then about lunch time then about 4oclock i need to treat her so that the interavals arent too close and ive the treatment time to work as well. and i said to mum well i think its going to be hard to get here three times a day it might have to be 2 times a day but when your off work then you will have to get the kids ready for school so i can start doing the third doese when i can. she wasnt happy about it.

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ive still got to care for my pop and get to appointments as well. and now mum thinks she wont be able to drive her car until she gets a part fixed which means she will ahve to take her bf to work and pick him up or ill have to if shes not home from work plus ill ahve to still pick up the kids and look after them and take them to school if she has to take him to work hospital is now out of the question because i cant leave my mother to do all of that and she also has work so how can she treat the horse. i cant even take a break now. theres just so much to and so little time to do it i dont knwo how im going to cope with it all.and im hoping i dont have another infection either. i went to a gp today but she said its fine but it doesnt feel fineim going to another gp tomorrow morning. it still doesnt feel right. my whole breast is sore and its really painful. and it often burns. it sue to be isolated to jsut that one spot that was panful now its the whole lot including it starting to radiate to my under arm and nipple as well (sorry any guys)

no i dont feel as its its fine at all
im hoping the bad nausea is the stress im under and its not a spreading infection

i didnt sleep much at all, im too stressed about alot of things and night times are always the worst!
its just one thing after another today and im not coping with it and i dont know how im going to continue coping with it. IM WORN OUT AND EXHAUSTED AND IN PAIN and no one seems to care in life form!

[Falling_Angel]

Hey SN ,

ummm soo your not doing well ...you started to sound like u had a plan and bamm its gone again, life (eh) i am concerned and really do think you need a total break from your whole lifestyle atm.....you are trying to carry all these burdens and maintain a happy and balanced lifestyle at the same time when really its all about you caring for your pop your sisters and mum and horses ...whos looking out/after YOU?

ill talk more on my thread later ...but im here recovering well thinking of you -hugs- FA XO

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nope not well at all FA

and i cant even go to hospital becasue of all this crap going on

im in agony and apparently the gp thinks im fine.

im not fine!

no one is looking after me im trying to manage EVERYTHING on my own and its not fair

im sick and tired, worn out, not coping, overwhelmed and still trying to work plus now i have a 450 vet bill which will continue to grow and im running out of money to keep paying for it. im already flat out and not coping as it is so i cant get yet another part time job

[startingnew]

Anxiously waiting at drs to discuss meds recent test results and also to get rechecked for cysts

done the horse already

Now drs

Then horse again

Then another appointment

Then horse again