Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

Thank you Sara. Ive got my gp this morning and then ill write a better response if i can get my brain to think properly. Hopefully the other posts will be here by then as well

[startingnew]

Continuation of above posts

the self harm urges I was telling her about she is agreeing with me that its like an addiction and when I dont feed the addiction its pretty much into withdrawal which is why I start to have all those extra side effects that I wasnt having before.


I havent slept properly in a few days because my sisters been sick and it sets my health anxiety off. She is on antibitoics as of today as she went to the drs so hopefully that will clear up quickly


whats appeitie? I dont know what that is anymore I think im suppose to be eating yeah well nope

[startingnew]

this is some seriously scary stuff- for my psychiatrist to be saying that has seriously opened my eyes as to how serious my mental health is and that I seriously need some help and now before I do make an attempt.


she did say though- but I seem to be taking it ok- done have much emotion anyway unless its the health anxiety and that was she said if I dont stop self harming then shes failed. An she doesnt really want to do that. No pressure much.

[startingnew]

I dont know what to
do. The health retreat does sound quite nice but its 4 weeks how the heck am I going to work that out when mum works, im pops carers and ive got the horses to do. I cant leave it all to them but I need to at the same time. I know it would be the right choice if I did go but I cant go 😞

Im too scared toeven ask my mother about it. Sje knows im not doing well so she says to other people and then when I say something like taking a break she gets angry at me.

This is what the argument was over last night I know it owuldnt
have been safe for me at the time but I was going to check into a chotel for a few nights to get away from everything but the way I am I dont think think thats a safe option esp now after what my
psychiatrsit has said.

This is some very
scary stuff!!

[startingnew]

I did speak to mum last night and it didnt go well at all

Im now a psychopath for asking for help

[Just Sara]

Hi Essen;

Your psych's correct; this is serious shit! I've been worried sick because your posting had deteriorated and I wasn't sure if I'd come back to find no post at all, day after day. Do you know what that's like?

SH isn't like a substance abuse addiction, it's physically detrimental to your body, mind and soul in an instant.

The Serenity Prayer from my post above in bold, is from Alcoholics Anonymous. Addictions have one thing in common; perceived helplessness. You aren't helpless, at least not yet. Please read those words again, really read them and apply it to any situation.

I'm glad you seem ok, you haven't 'gone' and still have choice.

It makes me upset you can joke about something like not having an appetite though. I'm not made of stone.

I'm supporting you with a serious MI myself, why is it ok to tell me stuff like that? Does it seem right that the only thing you said to me about my constant vigilance wondering if you were still alive, is "Thanks Sara"?

Yes, I'm upset. I'll leave it at that.

Hug...

Sara xo

[startingnew]

Sara- im sorry, ok..
I really am and I dont know what else to say.

My head is seriously all over the place

btw those posts took me two days to write because I couldnt think clearly and I was having trouble remebering quite a lot of things. the posting is slow for me becasue i cant think clearly btu i thought you had the right to know everyting that i could think of. im not allowed to meantion some things on here so i wont.

No I dont think the
simple thanks is enough, and im sorry about that

[startingnew]

sorry- posted before i was finished

that appeitite joke wasnt a joke. and isnt a joke and unfortunatley i ahve picked the wrong words as i was writing it and should have thought better about what i was saying becasue im not joking nor do i see it as a joke either and i am sincere about that and as i was writing it it was sounding sincere but now that i read back over it your right- the way ive writen it sounds like a joke but it isnt- not one bit

im sorry i really am and i dont know what else i can say to make up for it

but i am going to get help- im more than likeley going there tonight- i need to, the thoughts are back and as my psych said i may jsut act on impulse next time and not think before i do so im doing as my psych said and as soon as i notice the thoughts i contact lifeline and if they dont help ehich at ths point they arent i got to call the hospital or jsut get myself there

so im trying to do that

Smiling on the outside

but shes fine right?
A silent tear runs from her eye
but silent she must stay- i cant say goodbye

if you could only see
then you might know how it feels to be me

her heart is beating but its dead
shes lost inside her head

I am far from ok

[Falling_Angel]

Hey,

im here on/off also SN I Just havent had anything to contribute, and i havent been on for a week at least i think soz ...xx, i replied on my thread , -hugs- FA XO

[Just Sara]

Dear Essen;

My last post to you was probably a bit harsh, though it did reflect how close I've become to you and your situation.

Things have piled up on me in my world, so watching you go thru this has added to my woes. It hurts sometimes to see others in pain, especially for me.

I hope everything comes together for you in the best way possible; I really do. I won't be on BB for a while as I need to take a break for a couple of weeks to reboot and recharge. I'm sure you can appreciate how life gets on top of me sometimes.

I care about you and what you go thru, and will endeavour to be back on board as soon as I can to continue supporting your journey.

Stay strong and motivated to keep going no matter how hard it is and ask for help until you get it. If you end up in hospital, I for one will cheer for you knowing it's one of the best forms of support for someone in your predicament; I 'know' this to be true.

Take care honey, you're in my thoughts...

Sara xo