Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[Doolhof]

Hi SN,

You are not a monster. You are trying to deal with some really hard issues and a horrible situation with little support.

Is it helping you to share how you are feeling? You express yourself in a very descriptive way. We certainly understand and comprehend how dark life is for you at present.

As you mentioned, in amongst all this hardship you do still have glimpses of hope and light in your life. Hopefully you will find ways to develop more of those moments in your life.

Would you consider a rest in hospital? It may well do you the world of good. The world will not collapse while you are in there. People will survive. The rest may be just what you need right now.

People around you may better understand how much you do for them as well and may recognise that.

It is better to take a break than to go BANG!

[startingnew]

i dont want to do it anymore. i want to give up. ive had enough.

theres nothing good in me anymore, and when you remove the tarnish itll just be a black thoughtless hole.

im nothing. worthless.

it doesnt matter what i do anymore, i will always be a worthless monster who destroys everything and anything.

my mother does understand she went through depression herself so i think she has a pretty good idea on how i feel.

i cant keep protecting anymore, ive tried to keep making excuses up but ive run out, it clear she hates me, and thinks that im just an idiot who needs to get over it and grow up.

[Just Sara]

Lovely post Star!

You know your stuff woman; I'm sure SN will read it and get insight from your words; I did. Nicely done!

Dear SN;

Please keep posting...

Those up's and down's will be happening for a while, so finding what works for you is a process of elimination.

I've talked about this before, so call me the ole nag ok. My persistence is a trait I possess and think highly of, because in the end there's always results to be proud of.

I'm still concerned your mindset is leading you towards the deep end. The Rape Crisis Helpline continues to be my war-cry to you. I'm also suggesting going to your local health service to ask for help.

I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON YOU...

I WILL NEVER HURT YOU...

I ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE IN YOU...

YOU ARE VALUABLE BEYOND WORDS...JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN!

I'M HERE LISTENING AND CARING...

I'm a survivor of unimaginable rape - as a child, adolescent and adult, AND the post rape effects that stayed with me. I'm still here, for me, for you, for others.

Please step outside your door or pick up the phone and ask for help. I can't do it for you...

Sara (Hugs)

[startingnew]

Hi sara

i know, no one can do it for me. im jsut sick and tired of having to call hotlines. why cant it jsut be over already. ive had enough. i cant do it anymore. im exhausted from fight all the time.

[668436Lily]

Hi starting new, I have joined this forum tonight and for the first time I am posting here after reading your thread. I too am a survivor of child sexual abuse and I just wanted to share how helpful your posts and story of courage has been for me. I wish I had been as brave as you to say something when I was younger. Thank you for putting into words how complex the hurt and the feelings can be. Unfortunately our family are not always the best people to support us. I encourage you keep talking to the professionals each time you need to. Call them often and eventually you will find ones that you prefer and that help you.

[Starwolf]

Dear Startingnew...why can't it just be over already ? There's a very simple answer to your question : because healing from trauma is no instant fix but a process that cannot be fast forwarded.

You are exhausted by fighting. How about you stop fighting the fact that recovery takes time ? Struggling against unavoidable facts is indeed exhausting...and pointless. All it does is create extra stress. Why not do away with that stress ? Then it will be a bit of the overload off your shoulders. The easiest way to tackle a long journey of healing is to go about it one small step after another. Much less exhausting this way.

Why not stop fighting for a while ? I don't mean giving up. I mean doing every day a tiny positive thing that doesn't put too much pressure on your exhausted mind. It could be something very simple, like brushing your hair if you don't feel like it for example. Just so that every day is not a "0 day", with nothing at all achieved ? Tiny steps may sound insignificant but with time and quiet persistence, they will eventually cover some distance towards the right direction. Do you think you could handle that ?

Depression is a deceiver. If we're trapped in darkness, how can we see anything clearly ? Everything looks black, negative. Does it mean nothing exists beyond that blackness ? Of course not. But we can't see it, even if others can. That's what we're trying to share with you...the vision you can't have right now.

We're not pushing you where you don't want to go...only suggesting easier recovery options for you to consider. Options to do things slowly, less fighting, no pressure, little stress involved. Then it wouldn't be so daunting.

Is making decisions and assumptions according to the shadows we see behind the blindfold reasonable ??? Can we have a clear idea of where we are if all we can do is fumble in the dark ?

[startingnew]

Hi there. welcome to the forums, feel free to post anytime you like. im sorry you had to go through this yourself but im glad you had the courage to post on here. its a very hard and very brave thing to do. im glad my story has helped you though i dont find myself helpful or courageous to anyone. but if im helping you, im very please with that. i hope you got some help yourself or are currently seeing a psychologist to help see yourself through these dark clouds.

[startingnew]

Hi Starwolf

i dont know how to stop fighting, ive accepted my issues i have but i struggle with them everyday. if i wasnt fighting them then i would feel like im not doing anything at all. i probably wouldnt move if i wasnt fighting, even getting out of bed of a morning is an achievement.

Noi guess when your in a black hole your blindfoled so i guess in some sense the actions, thoughts, feelings and expressions arent really 'me' but rather the person who is frantically trying to escape that hole. someone looking for hope but never succeeding.

but i dont know where to go from here..

[Just Sara]

Hi hun;

Looking thru these posts, I realise the advice and caring from us isn't really doing much good. Correct me if I'm wrong though, I'm just going on your responses to us.

As a peer supporter there are times, not often thank goodness, where I need to ask some pretty difficult questions. I'm at that point now. So please answer them as honestly as you can ok?

• Are you considering hurting yourself? Or have you already hurt yourself thru self harm actions?
• Are you thinking about suicide? If so, have you made plans?
• Do you think about giving up in this way often?
• What keeps you going?

I'm hoping you're online to answer. I'm staying around to respond. So get back to me as quickly as you can so we can talk.

Sara

[startingnew]

Hi Sara

ive already done SH numerous times but learning to control it which is proving to be very difficult as its the first thing i often turn- like an addiction

i have thought about suicide but i havent made plans, again trying to control that

yes i think about giving up all the time and it often leads to SH or SI

i dont honestly know what keeps me going. Sara truley i dont but it must be something cause im still here. maybe its the thought of actually living a 'normal' life one day