New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

Sorry about the late reply. My GP sent me to the hospital! But I'm out now.

It sucks when we are told we've done the very thing we were avoiding. I know exactly how that feels. Trying not to emotionally manipulate my ex into talking to me, but ending up doing that anyway before I finally got the chance to explain. It's a terrible feeling.

I just asked my psychologist which GP was a good mental health GP and i wandered over with my medicare card. They didn't bulk bill, but I needed someone better than who I had, and i was charged ~$20. But plenty still bulk bill nowadays.

How was your session?

James

[Starwolf]

Hi PurpleOJ,

Sorry I have gone underground for a few days. I have been offline (satellite internet doesn't like freak weather) and inundated by flash flooding. So I'm a bit overwhelmed with catching up on all fronts, cleaning up and repairing some of the damage done.

This said, how did your appointment go ? Well done for taking this brave step forward. The good thing with talking with an outsider is that they are not as emotionally involved as family or friends. Objectivity is often destroyed by emotional outbursts. And speaking to a therapist is safe. They've heard it all before and some more. Through study and experience, professionals have gained understanding of mental conditions that lay person cannot have.

This often forces sufferers to bottle up. This is detrimental to our well being as we all need to let steam off. If this outlet is not provided, the pressure cooker can explode

[Starwolf]

Sorry...a glitch in the system decided to post the above in mid sentence.

This is why these forums are helpful and a complement to professional help.

Keeping things hidden from those around us is unfortunately sometimes necessary. However walling up the scary bits from ourselves is a different issue altogether. It is of course tempting to do so but does only harm and not a speck of good. There is no way we can hope to control what we cannot confront. Therapy helps us gradually face our personal demons. Those must be brought into the light to lose their power. Left unchecked, they will continue to gnaw at us from the inside. Although terrifying at times, there is something heroic and rewarding about this journey.

My thoughts are with you.

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

My appointment was alright. I was not put into hospital, and as of now my family does not know... or they know and have not said anything. The GP recommended me to a specialist... that I could not get to as I only have access to public transport. So I am going to a general one located at the clinic. Who works limited times so I have to miss classes to see them.

I also had to take blood tests to see if its effecting my health, I have already gotten a call about saying "It's nothing urgent, but make sure to get the results" which means there are more things wrong with me... Yay.

James,
It sucks that you were forced into the hospital, but I am glad that you are ok. Well, at least we can try to not manipulate people emotionally. However it seems a lot of people see how we are, when we try to speak out about how we really feel is manipulating them somehow.

Starwolf,
That does not sound fun, heavy storms and flooding is not good. Hopefully you can get everything up and running soon and that there was no damage to you, your family and your possessions. Yeah, talking to an outsider would be good. Although I also need to speak to someone on the inside.. if that makes any sense. Because yeah, I can talk to someone about this stuff and they can give me some support, but... having someone there with you, a friend to hold you when you are down... I feel as if I need that as well... Right now I am all alone... there are only 3 people who I can see having the capacity to care for me... and I ask and ask... but they seem to always say no... I understand they go through their own stuff... and that they are busy... However when one is basically passing me taking a train to see someone else... and they even refuse to spend 5 minutes between trains, to say hi or to give a hug... It just makes me feel like they don't care... or they hate me or are scared of me... I know I feel like a rude shit every time I ask... But I wish they understood how I feel... How I am alone, and if I want to see a friend... I wait a month or two to see them... Damit, I feel so rude...

However I have tried to see a friend... soon hopefully... I asked on the 10th and it has been delayed and will hopefully be soon

I don't wall up all of it... I know that some if it will be behind a wall keeping me from the worst parts... but I know what it is.. It was over 2 years of my life, and a long court process... I still have nightmares of it... and at times I can physically feel it again....

[PurplOJ]

Hey... Just updating from last time

Well... back to get my results tomorrow... I am not guessing they will be good.... The call from the GP sounded like something was wrong...

I hope that everyone is ok..

PurplOJ

[james1]

Let us know how you go. Sorry, it may sound hollow but we'll support you however we can. Or just be here with you.

James

[Starwolf]

Thank you for keeping us updated.

Waiting for lab results is always unsettling. Putting an end to uncertainty can never come soon enough as we're often tempted to imagine the worst. Hopefully nothing serious will be revealed. Your doctor will want to speak with you even if only a minor adjustment is needed.

I can relate to what you say about loneliness, though in my case it is more felt as alone-ness. I live on my own, have no family contact and must travel long distance before finding someone who can understand what I am talking about. But I'm OK with it. Many people seem to favor trivial chitchat to in depth communication. They find it a lot safer. Anonymity + dealing with mental/emotional issues allow forum members to connect at a deeper level than is usually possible in the outside world.

When someone cares for you, you shouldn't need to ask. Having to ask too often can cause a setback, as appearing needy often scares and pushes people away. A tricky situation, when letting steam off is precisely what you need.

Please let us know how you go.

[PurplOJ]

Hey again,

Tests say that I am Iron deficient. So I have supplements to take for a while, so that is lovely.....

Starwolf,
It is unfortunate to hear that you are alone like that, however if you are ok with it than it's good. You seem to be strong... that is something that I am not. You are confident enough to travel long distances to get to someone who understands you... that's something I can bearly do. I use to be brave enough, it took everything I had and I am unable to do it again, but I asked to visit someone ~2 months ago... they forgot, I should be use to people forgetting me by now but yeah... I do not think I can ask again...

I don't know why people prefer small talk than in depth talk. To me small talk means things are not going well between the two people. After a bit of small talk they leave and don't come back. But that's why some of the forums are good...

And I agree, if someone cares for you, you should never need to ask.... Sadly in the end I have to ask... If I don't I would be fully alone. Given even when I ask, the chances of anything happening are so slim it's almost pointless to ask... I don't want to think this way, but it seems clearer and clearer that my friends don't care for me. From refusing to be around me, to telling me they are uncomfortable around me without others there too (Like they are scared I will do something)... I have been thinking if they would be sad if I was gone... and I am finding it harder and harder to think they would....

Well I hope I last to get to my Psyc appointment on the 7th....

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

I'm also not a massive fan of small talk, but for me it's because I feel uncomfortable talking about myself. It just never feels like I'm really up to anything, and when I am, I don't feel like it's interesting enough to talk about.

But here's a thought which may be a bit challenging: do you think small talk could be an avenue to in depth talk?

I think a lot of people would find in-depth talk confronting if they don't feel like they know the person well enough. And for some, "well enough" actually might even mean family only, hence their preference for small talk. But for others, it might simply be a matter of trying to get a feel for the person through small talk, until they feel comfortable opening up.

I don't know. Does that make sense?

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there James,

That is an interesting look on small talk. But I am sure there is someone who will find it interesting.

I do think that small talk could lead to in depth talk, there are very few people who would enter into in depth talk without some small talk first.

I do understand what you are saying. It makes sense, I just wish the world was not like that.

PurplOJ