My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

[Steven1]

Hey guys. I am hoping I am not the only guy in this boat... my wife never wants to have sex with me. We are still relatively young (I am 30 and she is 29) and we have been married 4 years, been together about ten. We used to have a pretty active sex life but it has gone dormant since we had kids about 3 years ago. She always says she is tired and makes excuses like she can't be bothered or other trivial things. And she never comes on to me. I always have to initiate it and I feel rejected and horrible when she knocks me back.

Being depressed and having low self esteem probably makes it seem worse, but I take it pretty badly being knocked back and going without sex for months. I feel maybe she isn't attracted to me or in love with me anymore but she denies this. I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts anyone?

[geoff]

dear Steve, well I think all of us here on this post all have the same problem, although I've been divorced for 12 years, but during our marriage was completely different than before we got married, and even to consummate our marriage was hard work.

No matter what I did for her either by doing what she wanted, or me buying her a special present, it was always nil, god it was hard work, and up until she divorced me, she slept in another bed, OK I was depressed and drinking, but when in the same bed I gave up, sure we loved each other, and even now I still love her, even though she is shacked up with someone who has all the idiosyncrasies that she always hated in me, I can never work that out. Geoff.

[Burbs01]

 Well fellas, I have just joined the group and relived to hear other blokes are in the same situation. In my case we don't have any kids and we haven't had sex for the better part of 10 years or so, been married of over 47yrs. So for me there is no light at the end of the tunnel but I still live in hope.  

To all you that are looking for the holy grail , I believe that isn't really there if like my situation it goes beyond this many years, I have try getting help from other areas but it has not changed the wife idea. 

[toowoomba]

In my case it has been less, just over a year, but the excuse is that it hurts. However she doesn't go to a doctor (IF she is not lying)

Is it age? she is 69, we been together a bit over 10 years. Have made suggestions that she may want me to go elsewhere, usually met with "just try and you will never know what hit you" but do not get an answer now. SO should I? sorely tempted of late...

[Apollo_Black]

Thanks Jack

 You make a valid point about the importance of controlling your own actions. For me it's way easier said than done. 

 We had another discussion which turned into yet another argument the other night. The problem is that she doesn't know why I keep bringing it up when she can't do anything about it. And that's entirely the point, even though she "loves me and nothing has changed in that respect" she would rather me leave her if I can't accept that she doesn't want to have sex. This is obviously very concerning for me however much of it is probably her immature attempt to bury the issue. Just like her suggestion previously that perhaps I should find it elsewhere. Now that she sees that I'm not backing down hopefully she will follow through and see a cousellor together.  All she wants me to do it back down and go back under my little rock. 

It still hurts a lot. Knowing that there is a simple solution - and that is giving to your partner. I give my all and what do I get? Nothing....

 so Jack, I understand control but I think we're being had. I'm pretty close to ending it 

[Jacko777]

Hi Apollo Black,

I have been thinking about your post since you wrote it. Certainly we all have different circumstances and yep, it's easier said then done. I have been trying really hard over Christmas to be a good partner and be true to my self, express my desires. It was going well till I got rejected, for a day or two I couldn't follow my own advice, I was quite upset and it took me a long time to pull my self up. I don't like losing my energy to something that is largely out of my control but it took me a while to get back to that mindset.

I'm not sure about 'being had', I hope not. Of course we have obvious differences in sexual desires to our partners, everyone is different. And obviously it is easier to focus on something you shouldn't do rather than something you can't do. My partner doesn't have my desire for sex, so she doesn't think about it much until I 'hassle' her. Sex is a big issue for most people, I'm not sure that it will ever be a simple solution, it might be simple but it will take some work. It seems men and women think quite differently about sex.

I am sorry you are hurting mate, I am too, it sucks and it's highly frustrating and I understand that you feel like you might need to end your relationship, talk here about it if that helps.

Jack

[Husband_Father]

Hi all,I have read through a lot of the posts and have found lots of feelings thoughts and questions that I can relate to, so thank you to those who are sharing these for discussion. It is slightly comforting to at least know it is not uncommon. Thanks.

I am living a very similar life. I'm married with 3 children, the oldest of which is 7. My wife and I had a really intense start to our relationship that was very loving and very physical. During the pregnancy of our first child our sex life understandably slowed down, however following the birth it became non existent for some time and has never recovered. There are a few reasons for this. My wife suffered with post natal depression following the birth due to some complications during and shortly after, on top of being first time parents. Since then there has been a mixture of feelings of low self esteem, negative body image, pressure, fatigue, medications, and two more children. The oldest is 2. Add to that the fact that a life of work and parenting three young children is tiring.

We have very little sex life, over the last seven years we average 4 or 5 times a year and those are instigated 100% by me, awkward like we have never done it and end up not being that enjoyable for either of us. I can not remember what it is like to have your partner instigate anything even close to it or what truly passionate or exciting times are like.

I have been through a range of feelings from anger and resentment to wondering why my wife is no longer attracted to me or why doesn't she love me enough to do this for me and therefore feeling not good enough.

It is a hard way to live, and everyone needs to find their own way to either deal with it, settle it or fix it (if possible). I am really struggling to find what might work for us, and struggling even more with the fact that another year has just rolled by and its still happening.

We did in recent weeks begin to see a counsellor, to discuss our relationship in general including our sex life. I had tried for some time to get her to agree to this and she took the step to do it with me and I really appreciated that because it showed me some willingness to improve the situation. This seems like it will prove a valuable method of open communication with someone that can help us facilitate that, because it is not easy to have reasonable discussions about it, particularly due to the fact that it usually comes up right after you have gotten yet another knock back.

[Steven1]

Hello Husband & Father. I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with these issues too. I am astonished by the number of people who have commented and shared stories under this thread. I am now beginning to understand that there are a lot of men in the same boat as me. 

I am really glad that your wife has agreed to go to counseling with you. My wife came along to two sessions with my psychologist but wouldn't talk about our sex issues. She felt embarrassed and just fobbed it off. I hope you have success.

I too am a father with young children and know exactly how exhausting it is. For me, having kids is the number one reason why we no longer have a sex life. I also believe it has changed our relationship forever. I can't see us ever being intimate like we used to be.

[Husband_Father]

Hi Steven, I appreciate your thoughts.

The kids play a huge role. My wife now has this different view of herself, that makes her feel like she's a "only a mum". One of the things we have discussed in counselling  is that it seems she has lost part of her identity as a woman and as herself, and that it would be healthy for her and us as a couple if we found some strategies to help her find that person or at least part of it again.

This stage of life has definitely changed us forever also, and to be honest, at this stage I am not sure what success looks like and what I expect it to be. But the first step is both acknowledging that for whatever reason, success is not what we are living at the moment. I don't honestly expect to ever live the rabbit like existence we did when we were younger, and realistically I don't really want to either. I know enough to know that my idea of success is not that, and it is not purely physical.

 The physical side is a major component no doubt, however there are also others. Such as some validation that I am wanted for more than just my ability to pay bills and be a parent, and I believe that whether we like it or not our society has all of us programmed to hold on to some sort of sense of man and woman, husband and wife and what those roles are in an old fashioned sense. I know I want to feel like the man of the house, I want to be respected, admired and wanted and I'm happy to acknowledge that. Even if some of the more leftish equal rights movement think I am being sexist.

The issue for my wife is that she does not feel like a desirable woman, and worse, doesn't think she should feel like that and that those feelings aren't part of her role as mum. Because of that she does not allow herself time to maintain her own sense of identity and self worth and therefore is not as happy as she deserves to be.

We tried to discuss our issues by ourselves, every now and then when we were having a particularly bad time but had very limited success and never really solved anything.

Approaching the counselling with an agreement that it was "safe" and "ok" to say what you really wanted to without fear of reprisal, and just as equally accepting of what you hear will probably be the thing that keeps our family together long term. We leave the sessions quite vulnerable, but have certainly moved forward even if only a little at a time.

Painfully slow progress is still progress, and I force myself to remember that every day.

[Jacko777]

A few important things that have helped my situation over the last few days...

Communication...with calmness and care for my partner and my self.

Give love without expectation. Love each other first, work on the challenge second.

Persistence...if there is a problem, let's work on it, it won't go away on it's own.

Be thankful...for whatever I have today, take satisfaction in small victories.

Jack

[Mumof2_pup]

Hi Steve (and the other husbands),

i stumbled across your post and thought that I would also add the perspective of a mother with a young child. You have 3 so I can on,y imagine that your wife's experience is 3 times worse off than mine. Many people have brought in excellent points about body image and so forth, but wha you may not realise (as my husband often doesn't) is that your wife is just emotionally/ physically tapped out by the end of the day. This is nothing against you, but your children drain her to the very last drop. Let me explain.

After having my kid, although it wasn't the worlds worst labour, I am still feeling the effects of it 2 years later. I can't sit for prolonged periods of time as its very painful, I sometimes have issues passing a number 2  (as it hurts but there are no hemiroids), and it often gets so dry down their own its own that I can't even imagine anything being around it. Not to mention the persisten back aces. 

Whilt this is all going on, I have a 2 yr old permanently attaching itself to me all day long wanting cuddles, affection and love. Again, your wife has 3 to deal with. Quite honestly by the end of the day, I just don't want anyone touching me because I've had someone "touching" me all day. And that's when my little me isn't having a mental breakdown over the fact that  their strawberries were cut the wrong way. At the end of a day, all I want is space because I'm tapped out. Maybe this is the same for your wife. It's not I don't love my husband, and I feel guilty all the time that I'm not being what he wants me to be, but there just isn't anything left. The kid sucked it all out of me. 

I don't have any means to fix it. Just offering a perspective. Like you, my husband and I have spent hours fighting, talking and crying over the matter. It has gotten a little better over time, but it isn't (and may never be what it was and he can't keep comparing because our lives were different then). 

Things that have helped me was to find time for me to get back pieces of myself before I became a mum. I liked things like facials and painting my nails and massages. So, every once and a while  hubby takes the toddler and I get a massage. I wear a facial mask and destress while he puts Bub to bed (bath, story and bed). 

Maybe if she found pieces of hereof again, she would be happier. Good luck.