My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

[Steven1]

Hey guys. I am hoping I am not the only guy in this boat... my wife never wants to have sex with me. We are still relatively young (I am 30 and she is 29) and we have been married 4 years, been together about ten. We used to have a pretty active sex life but it has gone dormant since we had kids about 3 years ago. She always says she is tired and makes excuses like she can't be bothered or other trivial things. And she never comes on to me. I always have to initiate it and I feel rejected and horrible when she knocks me back.

Being depressed and having low self esteem probably makes it seem worse, but I take it pretty badly being knocked back and going without sex for months. I feel maybe she isn't attracted to me or in love with me anymore but she denies this. I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts anyone?

[Brother_of_Love]

Hey Steven 1,

Sounds like what you've been trying hasn't been working. Therefore you have to try something different or else you will keep getting the same results. You need to change your focus. Try focusing less on the problem...when you focus on "the problem", the problem only gets bigger. You need to focus on the solution.  

The universe brought you 2 together then gave you 2 amazing children. It's your duty to work at this and make it work. 

[Steven1]

Hello everyone. It has been quite a while since I posted here. I would love to be telling you that my wife and I now have an amazing sex life and things have sorted themselves out but that is not the case. 

Yesterday we were having a nice cuddle in bed in the afternoon and the kids were asleep. I touched my wife and her response was "what are you doing?" That made me feel humiliated and hurt. I don't know how it has come to this.

[Simona]

hello steven  : ) maybe she just couldn't switch off mummy mode and was  worried about being interrupted/sprung.    or maybe she was just plain tired and happy to lie back in your embrace because I know how much I loved those lazy afternoon siestas when I felt sapped dry. I was just happy to lie there and not move   

parenthood changes people - it can bring out our very best and our very worst and those first couple of teething years are the hardest.  it can certainly be testing and all the emotions that go with it - not easy to switch off.   sorry to hear you are still frustrated and hurting but you WERE cuddling in the marital bed and that makes me think that you two are still capable of closeness and that there is love  : )

[Jacko777]

Hi Steven1,

Maybe one day you will be telling us about your amazing sex life, not too much detail, and when it happens I will know it's because YOU persisted. I understand you feel hurt, I really do. However, you have to remind yourself that this rejection is a reflection of your wife, not you. If she has a challenge with intimacy then you are allowed to communicate about it, work together to find a course of recovery, try to drop the emotion out for a while...this is not about you, this is about your wife's inability to be close to you and she deserves compassion. 

Jack

[Steven1]

Thanks very much simona and Jacko your comments are very helpful. I know I am over sensitive and get carried away with this. I have to stop because I am getting myself all worked up and depressed when I just need to 're focus and be supportive. Sorry for all my complaining! I struggle with balanced thinking. 

[sye]

Steven, I didn't know I had a twin. You're not alone mate. I have tried and tried and discussed and tried and discussed and counselled and am at wits end. I have resigned myself to a sexless marriage. I love my wife more than anything in the world and, I have a fantastic relationship, but, the sex aspect is a non event. I dont initiate sex any more as I get rejected and it hurts me to my core. I sometimes get teased and she tells me we will be intimate and touches me and then it comes to the end of the day and she is too tired, sick, unwell, the road is too black etc.

I am not perfect either, i suffer terribly from depression and have unsuccessfully attempted suicide so my medication doesn't help with my ability to sustain, however, my drive is still there and is getting stronger as i get older.

Unfortunately she is terribly insecure as well, is OCD and is terrified I will leave her. I love her so much though. Each time she rings me up if I don't say I love you when I hang up she will call back to check. We used to have amazing sex when we were younger, but, in later years its just disappeared (I swear its that wedding cake).

As her parents are not really a great example she has learnt from them, i don't reckon her father has had sex in probably 20 years. Myself I will stay in my relationship till my children are older in the hope I can find someone in later days or that maybe my sex drive has disappeared. Either that or I will be successful when I try again. Or go and live on my own with cats.

Sincerely, I hope it gets better for you. I gave up. I cannot handle the rejection any more, hurts too much, so I try to avoid the drive and keep myself busy.

[Steven1]

Hello sye. I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Thanks very much for sharing with me. Just wondering if you have children and if so was that when your sex life changed? 

Our sex life has never been the same since we had the kids. I also felt used by my wife because when we were trying to have a baby she was more than happy to have intercourse but once she conceived then it disappeared again. 

I have had a vasectomy a few months ago as we decided no more children. I thought maybe not having to worry about contraception might help things a bit but it has made no difference.

[sye]

just know that you are not alone mate. us guys joke about it to cover up the hurt, but, it still remains. yep, sure do have kids, but its not that either, it was there well before then. should have known better, nothing like life experience hey and 20/20.

yep also vasectomised as well. didn't help a bit in my case either. 

you know i think in all this she is stressed beyond belief, i don't appreciate it because my stresses are out there in my world where her stresses are within 4 walls. but how much can you help someone - a person wants to have to help themselves and if they don't recognise it as a problem they won't do shit. 

sure we discuss it and it might be ok for a week or two then its back to the same. if only i could get rid of the urge then things would be fine, like turn it off. then no problems.

surely there has to be a better way. part of me has given up on the whole idea though and is just paving the road to misery, ie: nothing more than an ATM, go to work to fund other peoples party.

[Apollo_Black]

Hi everyone  

I'm in another sexless marriage. It's not just that though, it's any intimacy. It's what helps you run. It helps you get through the day. It's a compliment, the random hand on the shoulder, a cheeky grin, and of course sexual intimacy (of any kind). Like everyone, I don't have the answer. I just keep looking

We have a 4 year old. Intimacy ceased at pregnancy. My wife had severe post natal depression, we both had it I helped as best I could. Things are better now in that regard but they're not the same I don't expect it to be. I do know that somehow we need to adapt together and not separately.

 We had sex a few times after 2 years of abstinence but it's been off totally for around 8 months now. She gets angry when I bring it up. Counseling (individually) hasn't helped. I suppose I'm weak because I don't like conflict but when you're afraid of a violent emotional response, then you tend to avoid bringing it up too often. Even talking around intimacy leads to the same place. I have made it pretty clear that's it's not just sex, it's about all the other intimate things I mentioned above so I am trying to communicate. I've asked what I can do for her and what her needs are - but the response is that it's just her. She doesn't feel like it at all. Hormone imbalance is definitely an issue, but medically there's nothing that can be done. 

I read "The 5 Love Languages". I'm trying to speak my wife's language and go outside my comfort zone. I'm going to comitt to it for 6 months, If I can. Problem is, it's a viscous circle. You think you try, you lose hope, you get depressed, you get frustrated, you get angry and you stop trying. So you start again and on and on it goes.    

There are so many posts I can relate to here. I didn't know where to start, but I really wanted to contribute. I feel for you guys and the poor lady whose partner left and wanted to come back but it wasn't right and she feels lost. I just want to be happy. I want my wife to be happy and I want our child to grow up happy with two happy parents. I don't want him to have divorced parents. So I'm going to give my all, if I can.  

I registered after seeing some comments about vasectomy, as I'm at the point of "what more can I do? Is it because she's afraid of getting pregnant? I'll have a vasectomy". - You know what, I don't think it will make a difference. 

 I'm sorry this wasn't an answer Steve.  It's another story just like yours. Hang in there man you're not alone. 

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the forums Sye & Apollo Black. I am sorry we all have to face this challenge and I am so glad you fellas talk openly about this and have taken the time to share...and care, thanks so much for your contribution and I hope for better days for all of you.

We all have the same problem but I bet the causes are quite different. The thing for me that I CAN control, is my self and my response to this situation. It helps me to control my reactions, be aware of why I react the way I do. I try to reduce my emotion surrounding rejection and lack of intimacy, of course I am concerned that I do not receive the intimacy I desire but if I am overly emotional in my reaction then I think I have lost on two fronts.

So it is in my best interest to conserve my energy, energy I need to perform in the positive parts of my life. It takes practice and yep, I still get pretty damn sad and confused some times. I try to be aware of my choices, I always have a choice, I can stay in my relationship and calmly (!) try to work on the challenge, or I can leave and perhaps I will find that intimacy some where else. So I am aware I am making a choice, I live it. I won't let this one part of my life take over everything, there is more to me and my relationship than just this one issue.

I try to be true to my self...it's not easy. I avoid being intimate myself some times because I don't like rejection, but that aint' right! Sure enough she says 'you're not intimate either'. (face palm) 

It has helped me to reassign values in intimacy. I see how difficult it can be for my partner to partake in certain forms of intimacy, that she tries at all is amazing and shows how much she wants to make things right. We can work out from the best bits, nurture what we have, give love often and live in the moment, we have the opportunity in every moment to try and move forward. 

Jack