My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

[Steven1]

Hey guys. I am hoping I am not the only guy in this boat... my wife never wants to have sex with me. We are still relatively young (I am 30 and she is 29) and we have been married 4 years, been together about ten. We used to have a pretty active sex life but it has gone dormant since we had kids about 3 years ago. She always says she is tired and makes excuses like she can't be bothered or other trivial things. And she never comes on to me. I always have to initiate it and I feel rejected and horrible when she knocks me back.

Being depressed and having low self esteem probably makes it seem worse, but I take it pretty badly being knocked back and going without sex for months. I feel maybe she isn't attracted to me or in love with me anymore but she denies this. I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts anyone?

[Jacko777]

Hi Sparkz and LittleLost,

Welcome to both of you, good on you for posting. This is certainly something that can affect either male or female and LittleLost, I was sad to hear your story, it can be so frustrating and upsetting I know. In the past I have had to take a look at myself and have belief that I am desirable, this way I can try and not take it to heart. Then, for me, it's a matter of getting some help, find out what is really going on.

Sparkz, you make some very valid points and thanks for your humour, I had a few laughs there. I really think personally that there is hope through counselling. It might be for some people that they are too tired, or need more to get them going, like a night out. But for many I think it probably goes much deeper and it takes a professional to get to the bottom of these things. It might take time too, sex and intimacy are surely deeply seated aspects of our minds, I imagine it can take some unravelling. But it's worth it and if you love someone, you give it your best shot, keep on track, find a counsellor that you both connect with. It's tough, someone has to keep the plan rolling.

Jack

[Mr_Cool]

Sparkz has done his research and I have been there too. The following are just my thoughts and feedback. Your situation could be quite different, so make your own judgement.

If you are not in a good place yourself, it can be hard. But being the best "Man" you can be, was my goal. You're not her friend youre her husband. You probably are her friend also, but you are NOT just a friend.

Firstly address any physical or mental issues. Real ones that must be removed first.

Communication is important however actions always speak louder than words. Sometimes it more important to just shut up and do what needs to be done.

Secondly, Improve yourself. The more you improve yourself the more she will be attracted. Exercise, improve your body, buy nice clothes, be that cheeky boy, but overall be a fun person and have fun.

Thirdly, initiate more. That was my biggest issue as I hated the rejection and thought I'll wait. Well 12 months is a long time to wait. When rejected (and it will happen a lot to begin with) just smile and say something light. Pouting and whining doesn't work. 

Be clear that you have needs and maybe their are other ways to be intimate with her. I really had an issue with that one, as I was the good boy and found it hard to talk about.

It didn't happen overnight for me, by it did happen, and I am in a better pace now than I have been for the last 30 years. I'm fitter, more energy, smile more, and have a happier wife. Yes that was Wife, but also life.

[Steven1]

Thanks again to everyone that has posted. There have been some really good comments and suggestions. 

I am getting worried about my marriage now. I am not sure if I'm in love with my wife anymore and I get the feeling she feels the same, although she isn't saying that. 

We just don't have anything to say to each other anymore. Things have changed so much. I really don't know how to fix it. We keep going around in circles. 

[Jacko777]

Hi Steven1, it's good to hear from you.

So is your wife willing to find a therapist that she can talk to? I am no doctor but it sounds to me like she is having trouble making a move on this, it all seems too hard for her to change how she feels. You can tell her that it will take some changes, some small doable steps and she will come to feel better about this and hopefully stay on a path of recovery.

A therapist can help you both to break this cycle, of going around in circles. It takes two to make it work, there will be ups and downs but you both have roles to play in recovery. I'll be honest, my wife does seek help for her issues with intimacy some times, but it nearly always takes a heated debate to make it happen. She would rather this problem go away, but then she feels guilt for not being intimate. It just has to be worked on and I try and foster compassion for her condition, if she tore a ligament I wouldn't make her go for run would I?? I try and take the middle road with my response to no sex, yes it would be lovely but I am not going to turn inside out if I don't get any, I won't let my whole life revolve around it.

I hope you can calmly communicate with her about each others situation, she might be feeling a bit different to what you think. I found that talking in way that suggested that the relationship was shakey was detrimental to building trust and in the longer term, intimacy. By the way in the past I have decided to not have sex, say for a month. Under no circumstances are you to have sex in the next month (yeah funny I know right), you can be intimate all you want, but no sex, forget about it, for a month. How you value your self does not have to be determined by how much sex/intimacy you have. It would be nice to be desired of course but it is partly out of our control so it helps me to practice a kind of disconnection from it. 

Jack

[Simona]

Oh gosh that is so sad to hear.  I had read your earlier posts and pondered in the quiet.  I have been like your wife due to some nasty contraceptive implant.    The whole idea behind it was very attractive (no periods or risk of pregnancy ) but it annihilated all my desire not just for my partner but for all men included which is so unlike me.  I felt nothing and felt borderline psychotic all the while my poor partner started his obsession over his penis size which got on my nerves really badly.

For almost two years we hardly had sex and when we did I did it only to please him.

In the end I said to him to please himself . It was diplomatic thinking. I could not expect my man to live sexless life.  It is depressing and not healthy. So I told him if he absolutely requires sex for relief then to please have the decency to pay for it & come home to me.   We have a business & children and he works hard.  Sex/flirtations comes and goes but love & security is paramount. I love him & I'm pretty laid back.  As long as his heart is for me...

Anyway I had the implant removed & I'm back to myself again more or less.  We still have arguments over petty things and send each-other to hell but at the end of day we still sit down together by candlelight and preen/massage at least 3 times a week. My partner is not much for words but he loves the touch. 

Maybe try massage Steven?   entice your woman into bedroom with a jar of virgin coconut oil. Light the candle. tell her you want nothing more than for her to just lay back and enjoy it & butter her up slowly.  Or watch adult movie together and do massage after. Hopefully it's just a hormonal thing - I too had lost my mojo after baby.  Still I never stopped loving him.    Have hope

You are in my thoughts - good luck 🙂

[Steven1]

Thanks simona and Jacko for your comments and support. Much appreciated.

Was great to get a female perspective again too. Your post really got me thinking Simona. I am hoping that a lot of what my wife is experiencing is hormonal too. But I also understand a lot of it is about being physically and mentally exhausted by looking after the kids. 

We are still really struggling with communication. My wife could tell I was feeling pretty low yesterday but I just couldn't express myself so I just said I'm fine. I didn't have the energy to talk about everything again and it wasn't the right time with our 3 year old constantly interrupting us. She eventually got it out of me that everything isn't fine but when I told her I was worried about us drifting apart and not being close anymore she said nothing and changed the subject. At the time we were out walking with our two young sons. Usually females communicate a lot better than us guys but not my wife. She isn't much of a talker. That is what I am finding so difficult.

The massage and candles is a great idea and I must try that. I just don't want her to think I'm just trying to butter her up for sex. She always thinks that if I try something romantic I must be doing it for sex. 

Because I have been rejected and turned down so many times I don't tend to initiate anything anymore. I have started neglecting the relationship because I have felt unloved which I know is feeding the whole thing because now she probably feels that way too. 

My next step is trying to communicate again when we get some alone time. It's impossible with the kids around. Thanks again everyone

[Simona]

Hello again  🙂

I'm happy you found something positive to subtract from my 1st post because i kind of cringed after i posted it. I was trying to offer advice based on personal experiences that worked for me and gosh, yes i fully understand your wife being exhausted and probably over-sensitized from all the contact with your babies all day.  Also if she is breastfeeding...that is mojo killer for many women because of the high levels of the hormone prolactin.

I feel you really ought to do something for yourself* - easier said than done i understand but...amidst cautiously trying to resurrect the intimacy, brainstorming and doubting ...don't lose sight of yourself Steven . If you do - you may just end up consumed by resentment.  Shift your focus a little and find something for yourself no matter how small - do something that makes you feel good even if it is only for 10 minutes and SMILE.   Find an outlet for your frustrations.  A distraction.  Look after yourself . 

[sydmum]

Hello Steven1,

i cqn relate here. My partner and I split up due to this issue (no form of any intimacy what so ever), it finally took its toll when I asked for a break. During this time I pondering on my own self worth and attarativeness ect. I found out within 2 weeks my partner had moved on, (so it wasn't me at all). The hardest thing was explaining it to our daughter. Time went on and within 6 months he was asking to come back home to me and the kids. I had my doubts as I had felt very very rejected and unloved. Within another 7 months he showed me he cared and wanted me back, buying me gifts, telling me how special and lived I was. I eventually said yes and it was good for 2 weeks. 4weeks later we are in the same distant boat. I'm confused and hurt. I have discussed, cried and yelled my feelings to my partner only to have him shrug me off. I am at the point where I deserve better. I have told him I love him though I can't handle a "loveless" relationship anymore it's killing me! I am a 34 yr old "somewhat attractive" woman with needs too. I try and show my interest only to have me shut down and left alone. 

My advice is try to get through to ur wife. From my "own" experience it's not worth feeling this alone and isolated even after numerous talks, discussions and fights. 

Oh btw, when my partner left me for another woman he went abouve and beyond to show her he was "interested" in a sex life with her. Sometimes love isn't enough to keep a relationship together and this is defiantly something I do NOT want my children growing up thinking it's ok to have in a relationship. It takes two people to work and keep it, if it's only one sided it's time to move on. Sorry I am going from my own personal experience and this is my end result. I have a lot of love to offer though the person I'm trying to reach is intractable. Council long did not work either for us 

I do hope for u and ur wife u can get back on track and both feel loved and appreciated. God bless u xoxoxo 

[Pilot45]

Hi Sparkz  

Your comments really resonated with me. I am going through a similar problem with my wife. I have had no sex for 6 months and my wife has absolutely 0 interest in sex or affection. Yep we are busy, we have kids, she is tired, I’m tired. I would have sex in a heartbeat if she wanted it but I have essentially given up asking her. The number of times I have been rejected or she simply goes to sleep when propositioned is starting to sting.

 We don't even sleep in the same room anymore. I either sleep on the couch or in one of the kids rooms. I think she prefers it that way. I am very certain that she is just simply disconnected from me and is not aroused in any way. I think our problems are deep and I know we are in a huge hole. I have raised this with her and have tried to organize counseling but she is so disconnected I don't think she cares anymore.

I travel for work a lot and expect my bags to be packed and outside when I return one work trip. I feel the best analogy to describe us is that this relationship is a plane and the engines have cut out.. We are just waiting for the crash now.

Yep, feeling pretty low at the moment. Not sure what to do. 

[Nickname_AA33C937-CA71-42]

U try another i think .. Relationships are constant work - at least in my experience. You at least need to talk about what you've said here.And at time without distraction or when she is tired. Creating such a time can be hard enough