Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi again, Croix,

About getting my planned list of books back - no, not easy. I found though, if I open up History & see the list of sites I've been to, each thing I've looked at listed there too, & find the most recent YouTube page, which will be the story I was listening to last, it will open to the story at the point where I left off. The 'Read Next' list will be gone.

I don't recall all the books I had thought to read, which would have taken me right through the whole long weekend, so have had to search the long list in hopes of finding some again, or spotting something I didn't note before. It is so annoying how it lists books not even close to the topic/genre that I have been listening to. & many books keep being listed time & time again although I have not even begun listening to anything like them. I have discovered how I could tell YouTube to not show them again, but then more popped up like the ones I don't want to see... it's as if those algorithms flag anything clicked & show more regardless of the reason you click them.

Sometimes my PC will begin whirring like the fans in there are suddenly battling a heat wave, & I wonder what the heck is going on in there? Some books seem to trigger something, I imagine to be a lot of data transfer. Don't like that! & it's loud because my PC is right here on my desk, next to me.

I could make it stop making noise while the book was playing, by whitching windows, so the YouTube was not visible, but still playing, & some other docoument was 'on top', such as the word document I use to make notes & drafts of posts, for example. It helps, but it will also cause the screen saver to come on after a while, too. I can life with that.

Arcking technology!!!

*

Hey Grandy, the technology of furbabies is so much nicer, eh? I trust you are feeling more settled in your home again? Alll that anxiety, & you still had a good time, but I know the feeling of wanting to be back where I feel safe again.

*

If my Uncle wants to go ahead & actually have some sort of ash scattering ceremony, with us, my mother's offspring at least, & other family maybe, who I've never met, my eldest brother could certainly be there, maybe both my other brothers, too. I don't want to be near one of them either. I'd want to stay near my sis, & she may want to be near them, as we are 'family'.

It's not all about me & what I want.

As you know, messy real life, not sentimental happily-ever-after family drama.

*

mmMekitty @🌅😾🌦

[mmMekitty]

Feels like winter today, or a prelude, I guess. Some years are better than others. If today is any indication, this year could be bad... maybe it's because other things have crowded in & how it was last year & in 2020, with COVID - it's not done, yet. I'm anxious for this coming winter.

"Don't count yor chickens before they hatch", right? I tell myself, but such things only help a little in warding off anxiety about what may be ahead.

I feel I got too much to talk to my PDr when I next talk to him, I feel sure I won't talk about anything very well,

Take care, everyone, & I hope to see you around the place. 😺

☮️,❤️&🎶,

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear ban-the-bomb, heart, ampersand and musical notes mmMekitty~

I hpe you managed to gather together enough enjoyable books to tide you over.

I've no idea what this year will hold, however I would imagine it is not just waht will happen to me, but what decisions and actions I take too. It's not just a passive thing. So at least part of it will be OK.

You make geed decisions, so seam goes for you too. Look at your decision to come here for a start, that panned out well.

I'd suspect the decision over the ashes is looming, however I'm confident you will do what does not put you in too bad a place. Looking from the outside my first thought is that your statement "It's not all about me & what I want" is only partly true.

If you have doubts about communicating with your PDr why not use the tried and true method of handing over a point-form list and seeing how you go. At least that way everything you have thought about before the consultation will be 'on the table' as it were.

This is a technique I've often used to good effect.

How's the poetry going?

Croix

[mmMekitty]

😸"geed decisions, so seam goes for you too." -😹just thinking of my seams going! & when I ind out what 'geed' means - something good, I hope... thanks!😸

*

I'm still phoning my PDr, Face Time, so notes wouldn't be practicle. I'm not sitting at my PC when I am talking to him, & anyway, I don't think he'd appreciate my text-to-speech reader reading my notes for me... I've had the impression from the start, that he prefers more traditional, real & actual Talking (with a capital 'T'). More difficult for me than writing/typing, but. in the long-term, better if I can talk & say aloud what's on my mind. &, what I 'forget' to say could be very telling in itself; like, what have I avoided even trying to talk about, this time? & why?

I put my two little poems in my new thread, 'Poems by mmMekitty *TW*', & have added one from 2020. I had decided to put some there, with a trigger warning, so people can choose to read or not.

Still working on another new poem. Trying for some sort of sensible order so readers could follow.

*

About those decisions, when there others to think about & consider, it's awfully hard to think & feel responsible for how my decision may affect them. Of-course, I am not responsible for their feelings, can't control for every contingency, can't write the script & expect everyone to perform to my direction... even if I thought for a moment that could be possible... I know it's not. Really, self-centred though it seems, I can only decide according to what my wants & needs are.

I'm just struggling with the idea that my sis or my Uncle or maybe I might include my #2 brother, & if they would be disappointed or hurt or feel the ceremony is incomplete if I don't get myself there, somehow.

*

More: ☮️,❤️&🎶 singing, "Ain't gonna study war no more!"

I don't want the kids going to that school at all.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty`

Well you said deciphering typos was a hobby:) The plaintext is of course "you make great decisions, so the same goes for you too".

That's a very positive attitude to your psych sessions, analyzing matters unsaid. I'm afraid I'm not organized enough to do that, I forget what I've said a lot of the time 😞

I'll pop over later and see your new verse

I suppose one way of attending that ceremony might be virtual - a sort of half way house with you in greater control.

"singing, "Ain't gonna study war no more!" reminds me of:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mamYn7LI_lA

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix,

When it comes to those things I had wanted to talk to my PDr, what tends to happen is: during the week thoughts, feelings or something happens, & I think I want to talk to him about these things. I may wait days for my next appointment, & try not to think too much in the meantime. When I do talk to him, I may realise later, maybe days later, how I intended to talk about something or other, & remember how important it seemed before I'd spoken to him, so wonder why I 'forgot' when I could have said something.

I really like not to forget, but feel safe & secure enough to actually tell him whatever I feel a need to talk about. I think that is what it is most of the time. Although I am talking more freely than I had with any other Psychiatrist (let alone any 'regular' person(), I still have these occasions, & occasions where my thoughts in my head seem to be racing to be the last thingsoon my mind, & I feel my mind seems to go blank.

*

I did figure out your accidental puzzle. Most of the time I do figure these typo puzzles people have made. Sometimes the typo as a some humourous result. 😺I really like 'seam' instead of 'same' Nice image of me splitting at one of my seams - but not the new one, I hope - it's so big! Sometimes it's what my text-to-speech reader makes of these odd collections of letters that sounds funny.

You know what they say about small minds? How big is a little red cat's brain, eh when a swapping of letters can amuse?

*

Just a scan on my left shoulder, where it swells quite frequently. Almost were sent away because the trainees had somehow gotten info mixed up, & thought I needed more than the relatively simple ultrasound.

If my helper wasn't with me, I'd have gone away, not explaining how difficult it was to get these appointments for me scheduled so she could be with me on Thursdays, as it is lately, the only day she can... As it turned out, a junior Dr could do it, & the senior will check the work, & then results will go to my GP The senior wasn't there today. I hope we don't hear from them saying I've got to go & have the scan repeated.

8

Then I went to meet & play with her new puppy.😺I was winning the tug-a-war for a while, until the big dogs thought they wanted to play, too. Well, they gave my left arm a workout, (my right is still too sore), until I lost hold of the slimy knotted rope! (YUK!)

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Got to thinking about a photo & a poem from years ago. Reading my poem again, I've made a couple minor revisions. That can happen, even as now, year later, when I think how the tiniest change will make it that little bit better.

Thanks to DB for mentioning using water droplets in paintings, I have even thought of this today. & today, if it rains, will seem a very similar day to the day it was when I first took the photo.

Om a bus, with my SLR camera pressed to the window, using the macro lens, focusing on a few raindrops. I like the result, with the image of the scene in the raindrops appearing clear but upside down, with the background of the road & trees all blurred. & later I wrote the poem. Later I put the two together. (Sadly I don't have the photo anymore.)

Here's the poem:

* Teary Again

My tears burn my eyes

Fall hot on my face,

Steam up my glasses

Like the bus window.

I look into anyway,

Because I’d rather

Hide myself away

From public view.

But forever?

I cannot hide

My tears from you.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Antihistamine yuck doesn’t sound good sorry you are still feeling unwell and dealing with recovery. The medication shuffle is expensive and exhausting.
My stepfather left difficult requests for his ashes and I fully supported my step siblings to ignore them. They had a wonderful service on their terms and said their goodbyes. The paperwork and complications took up enough time It’s a tough time for you and your sister.

I have some reading to catch up on I’m interested in your project and will read up on what it is.
My new reality of not being mobile I’m looking for projects. I’m going to see about sewing and am getting a machine. I got some retro tropical material for cushions and can’t wait to start. My psychologist wants me to join a exercise group and I’m looking at hydrotherapy class. I prefer locking myself away with some material but he thinks I can get better and enjoy getting out 😂 I’m more like you and only get dragged out on errands.
Thank you for the hearts and hears some magical unicorns for you to make a wish on 🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC. 😺Great to see you.

The antihistamine wouldn't have been so bad if I had been sure of how much & how often to have it... I will have to make sure I take notes of such instructions in future, just in case it was my memory/stress in the moment that got me confused. & if I have to any in future I want to be offered some that don't make me more tired than I usually do.

*

My recent project was for Easter. I'd made a new picture to use here over the Easter long weekend. zzzi only wanted to surprise people here, for fun & to (hopefully), give people a little laugh.

*

I'm sure getting out is good for us, especially if it means we are not sitting around, mulling over our troubles. But it is also stressful, I keep saying. It was when I could get around without using a white cane, or helper, but now, it is even more stressful because I have lost so much of my sight. I also know as acquaintences & casual friends, people who get around with a lot more confidence than I do. Some people, who are totally blind, & going all sorts of places, on their own, too. I don't get how. My pain is distracting, my general feelings of being anxious are distracting, my tiredness can be distracting, & leads me to not concentrating on what I need to do, which is, walking without causing myself or others injury, getting from point A to Point B.... It seems so hard.

Having someone with me helps so very much. She can't make me not feel any of the physical pains , but she can keep me from getting lost, bumping into people & objects, get me safely across roads, & home again. She will even carry some shopping for me.

All I need now is places I would like to go! Especially if it is not raining, & I have no appointments or shopping for specific items, then I want to find outdoor places. Like you, & many other people, exercise is recommended, so I want to try to get more. I also find it is much easier when I am with someone, so they can encourage me, even tease & make fun of BOTH (that's important), of us while be both exercise.

I'm hoping, when I see the folks at the hospital for my next follow-up appointment, that they will tell me I can go swimming. I would love to find something like a water aerobics class, at a heated pool! 😺

The idea of hydrotherapy sounds good for you.

& joining a class/group may get us making friends, too - imagine that?

*

Mind if I give some 🦄🦄unicorns🦄🦄 to Croix? I'm sure he'll love them!😹

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️(topping up)😺

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I think everyone needs some magic unicorns sometimes ❤️

Making time for enjoyable outings is very hard when you have drs and scans and hospital visits. Rest is needed in between or you won’t recover. Also the discussion now is not who has Rona but who hasn’t and I don’t feel like rolling that dice to see if I would have mild dose or end up in hospital. History has taught me I’d be the latter.

I think you manage very well and carry a heavy burden along with you. In the few months I’ve been on here you have faced major hurdles and battled the public health system during a pandemic with minimal support.
Also comparisons never work in our favour. I think a large dose of narcissistic thinking is needed for the comparison game and I detect you were absent the day that was handed out.😂😂

Ive been talking to psychologist about finding friends and how difficult it would be to have friends. I’m so secretive and I have so much sadness they wouldn’t be real friends. He thinks I can have friends and secrets. I’m super unmotivated to do anything and maintaining a conversation is a lot of work. The friend I do have sort of talks at me all I have to do is listen and or reply to the odd text. I would make a great kitty I’d lay around and stretch and be aloof. 🐈

MC