In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

Hullo W : ) I just got home from town. I have been op shopping with my daughter. I bought 2 pairs of True Religion jeans for $8.00 and they are brand new! One size fits me perfect the other I will sell on Ebay. Also this really sweet Footprints book with scriptures & reflections. And my daughter scored this beautiful ornamental Dove and a Chinese fan. The Chinese fan looks old and it's quality made. Would look good on the wall. It's amazing the treasures you find in an op shop.

So you bought a body powder/talc. I used to use White Musk by The Body Shop. What fragrance is yours? I was back at the perfume counter today and went straight for the Chanel. I like to spray on a different perfume each time I'm in town.

Yeah I'm so blessed to have my babies. I'm just slowly starting to worry what's going to happen to me once they go back to school. The children really do keep me well. I don't cope very well without them even though my son can have some pretty bad ADHD tantrums. He's on medication but it's not very effective

When they are away on camps I don't wash any of their bedding just incase. I want to be able to smell them. I'm so terrified of losing them

I know the medication is working well. My partner said last night 'You are so much better". I do feel quite different. I still have racing thoughts but no paranoia! There was an ambulance in town today parked by one of the cafes and I was not in a state about it. This is amazing. To not be paranoid and delusional.

Do you let Maggie off leash anywhere? I have to keep Bandicoot on the extendable leash because she chases birds/rabbits/snakes and we live on a trucking route so I worry about her running out of the scrub and onto the road. And sometimes we do get those big pig hunting dogs lose in the scrub. Lazy owners let them roam

All the animals are snoozing : ) afternoon siesta time here

[Simona]

Another reason why I love school holidays: I don't get called in to collect my 'uncontrollable' son.

The school struggles with him and I get very depressed because I love my boy and while I feel sorry for his teachers I feel even more sorry for him because he has missed out on so much already like the last school camp. It's not his fault he's the way he is. I just got abused 12 min ago because he couldn't find his sticks in his room and he accused me of throwing them out. I said I didn't touch your sticks. He's mates just stared while he ranted and used bad language. Then he found his sticks lo and behold in his room and came up to me to say sorry. And he was sweet as pie.

[Simona]

He's also been diagnosed with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). It's like I'm trying to deal with my MH and his. Not meaning to go on about it but it feels good to disclose. I had some very bad moments with him in the past. Now I just pull back and not respond. Because I can't handle the yelling. It makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry. He's threatened his own dad once. You can't touch him or rather you shouldn't. If you do touch him you gently and carefully manoeuver him into his room which he will trash. Made the mistake of buying him really nice bedroom co-ordinates matching bed/furniture looked so good. He pulls furniture apart

[Wilma1]

Gee Simona, that's tough for you and your son. There doesn't seem to be that much help out there for kids with MI. You sound like you are doing an amazing job with both your illness and his. Can't be easy though. I know I would get pretty worked up seeing a kid out of control like that. Must be so hard for him.

I was wondering if you could work at the school where your kids go so you could be close to them. Teachers aid, library etc... Just a thought.

No Maggie is always on a lead when we go out. She's a really frightened little girl. She was abused before I got her so she's had a rough start. As soon as she hears a dog bark she shakes. Even if she sees another person when we're out she stops and checks it out first.

Sounds like you scored a few bargains in the op shop!!!! Nice one.

I've been out in the garden this arvo. Feeding up some plants, getting them ready for winter. Do you have a garden? Are you into gardening?

I'm off to watch neighbours..then home and away....then read some.... I hope you have a good night Simona. Take care. W

[Simona]

Good Evening W : )

Yeah my mood took a big dive over the sticks. Been trying to pick myself up since. I worry about the future a lot. He's in high school next year. He's got a paediatrician. He had a psychologist but didn't want to keep seeing him and so that stopped. He's on schedule 8 medication and melatonin.

Before he was diagnosed I went through this really scary period when I was convinced he was possessed by a demon. Looking back I can see that I was in deep psychosis. The frightening thing was that my partner wasn't aware of how sick I was. He slept through most of my nightly weeping/praying over my son. I was re searching exorcisms and how to perform one. This in retrospect was very similar to what happened to me when I was 19 and psychotic. My partner at the time (Born again Christian) tried to restrain me with his hands and then with tow cable. He was convinced I was possessed and wanted to put me into the boot of his car to take me up the hills where his friends lived - for an exorcism. I fought my way out of it and ran off into the night through paddocks finally ending up on the highway. I hitchhiked to the local pub and was invited to a swingers party.

I used to volunteer at the school. Since the school knows my MH status and frequent MHU stays they try to limit contact with me as much as possible. I have gone in there to be stopped at the doorway and told to calm down/breathe etc. They communicate with my partner and only call me if they can't get through to him.

Oh how cute Maggie sounds. I see this trembling little thing with a coat on. Does she have a coat? Bandicoot comes from a bad home too and came from the pound. She was terribly frightened at first and barked at any males. She was almost a year old when we got her.

We have a fair size backyard. There is a rockery with cacti and succulents. We have an orange and lemon tree and some other trees I can't name. No flowers. No I'm not into gardening though I do on the rare occasion pull out the weeds. It's good stress relief and my cats like to eat the grass. Last time I was weeding a bee stung me on the throat. That really hurt. Bees don't like me at all.

[Wilma1]

Simona, I have been through the praying out of demons from me, also by born again Christians. I know they meant well, but I got worse and worse, then they just walked away. You did well to get away. Good on you. I go through periods of feeling like I'm the devil himself. I'm working through it. I've had to leave Christianity behind understanding now I am a spiritual being not religious and finding freedom in the process. It's more a lack of understanding and fear of mental illness that people do things like that.

Sorry about the school thing. Isn't it a shame that our educators lack so much understanding about things they should know better. You are a good person, a caring mother, they are the ones missing out, but that doesn't help at all. Could you do a photography course at school???

I do have coats for Maggie only in the dead of winter though. She was 3 when I got her, also from the pound. She's my lifeline.. I had a jack Russell before her for 16 yrs. I didn't think I'd get another dog until I saw her online, I fell in love.

Do you sleep well?? If you do, have a good night. W

[Simona]

I relate to you in saying you have periods when you feel like the devil himself. Sometimes I feel like I get possessed by this dark force and this energy makes me explode. But my MH clinician says I choose to behave this way and it boils down to the choices I make. I'm having a hard time grasping this because I don't have much self awareness if any at times.

Since I'm medicated I'm behaving better. I haven't thrown anything or broken anything. I just held up a coffee cup threatening* to lob it at my partner who flinched and growled at me DON'T. This happened 20 minutes ago. Now I'm trying to relax. I don't know what it was over. I really can't remember. My brain is just wired like that.

I will do a short course soon in self esteem & assertiveness. Well that's if they get enough people interested. There's no place that runs a photograpy course here.

No, I don't sleep well. I have plenty of sedatives but I don't like them at all. My mind thinks stuff all the time no matter what time in the night. I wake up at 3am virtually every night and I just lie there thinking what's going to happen to me if my parents die. Or my children die. Or what if my partner dies. And sometimes my mind drifts back to the MHU and I get really anxious because I hate that place. I remind myself that's why I'm taking my medication - to keep well away from there.

Sleep well W : )

[Wilma1]

Simona, how has your day been????

I've been in town, ugh! Have you been in today with the kids.

You sound like you have a good partner there Simona, he understands you, and obviously loves you very much.

I get the ' brain wired that way' I have one of those. Away on its own.

Is it still on with you for Taurus and I to help with the Easter egg hide??? Just say if it puts pressure on you, it's meant to be fun.

Anyway, have a bit of sleep tonight. Take care.W

[Simona]

Evening Wishful I have been hanging around tonight just feeling really flat.

Yeah I went into town alone today for a big shop. Had to restock the fridge/freezer for the long weekend. We buy milk and bread in bulk and freeze it. I didn't stay in town any longer than I had to. Too many people/tourists. It was hellish.

Tomorrow I leave on a big drive with a car load of children. Got some fun actvities planned. Partner will be staying at home to rest. He's on antibiotics for an infection. Yeah I love him but drive him crazy with my moods/obsessions. He said tonight while cutting his steak: I don't believe in God. I said 'you know that's really sad because he believes in you'. Oh you should have seen the look he gave me!. He said don't you start preaching your God to me. I said it wasn't a preach. It was a big fat fact so THERE!

Yeah I'm just all BLAHHHH. I feel like a creature. Like I should be crawling like a centipede. I know that's going to sound stupid but I don't feel human at all.

Aha. Yep I'm still interested in the egg hunt. How are we doing it and in whos thread? Are we like scattering 'eggs' amongst our 3 threads? I will wait for someone to start then join in I think. I have participated in many virtual activities but this will be my 1st egg hunt ; )

Ok. I better go. Hope you sleep well too.

[Simona]

I wish you could watch what I'm about to do

He's watching Chuck Norris. I'm going to drop to my knees and crawl across the living room. The coast is clear. The children are in their rooms. This will be good.