In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_9809]

I'm with you too Simona. No need to talk. Companionable silence is fine by me. Just you, Star and me. Oh, and I brought Tammie along as well, hope you dont mind. I thought she could help entertain us all.

Remember Simona, when you're ready - you know you can talk freely to us here dont you?

Are your babies home safe from school?

Sending through a reassuring cyber hug to you Simona.

Taurus xx

[Simona]

Star & Taurus - aww I'm so touched. Thank-you : )

My partner is staying home tomorrow and coming with me to the psychologist. He will just do some things in town while I'm in there. I'm feeling better knowing he will be there after. Yes my babies are safe and going to bed soon. Trying really hard to re consider medication but it's pointless unless I can commit.

[Starwolf]

So glad your partner will be there for you...you are lucky to have each other. I hope you can go for a dirty chai together when it's over.

I can't be there with you but my thoughts will.

[Simona]

I took in a print out of one of my posts from here. The one in which I describe the mental torture (the visual picture of this is beaks and claws) and over spending. She read it in front of me.

I told her about me being really happy and singing the same song over and over.

She spoke to me about the medication. She told me people like me can work or study if they take their medication. I find this amazing.

I'm really going to try to talk myself into taking the antipsychotic. I'm going to try so hard. I don't want to be forced onto injections. I will have to keep some food in my stomach for the medication otherwise it won't work as well and make me nauseous. This is so hard for me

In the old mhu there was a large picture of beaks and claws. It was on the wall near the nurse's station. I always found it to be extremely threatening and hated it. Only 1 other person was threatened by it too. He used to spit on it in contempt.

That picture should never be put in a psychiatric ward.

[Starwolf]

I agree that this beak and claws picture sounds too predatory to be on a mental health unit wall. I would expect a more peaceful, nurturing type of decoration...Perhaps it is the work of one of the patients ?

I am glad you have decided to give medication another shot. Is it the same med you have tried before or a different type? See how you feel after a while...

One appointment ticked off your list. Well done !

[Simona]

Hello Star : ) it's the same antipsychotic. It's used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar depression. There's little or no weight gain with this one so as an anorexic/bulimic this is very fortunate for me. It's a strange drug though. You get really overheated from it almost like you are burning up. And very violent dreams.

Yeah that picture - it wasn't done by a patient it was some Egyptian themed artwork with cruel looking birds of prey.

[Starwolf]

It usually takes time for body and mind to adjust to new medication. It may be worth sticking with it until this has happened. By then you would be able to figure if it improves your lifestyle or not.

Side-effects are unpleasant but -as long as the worst of it is only temporary- it would be terrific if being on med could allow you to live a more peaceful, more functional life. It is after all what you wish for. So far, psychosis, paranoia etc...have stopped you living such life. I guess it all comes down to weighing pros and cons...and probably doing more research too.

Food for thought, anyway. A decision for you -and you only- to make...though honest discussion with your medical team and loved ones may help make up your mind.

[Simona]

I don't know who I am without my mental illness

this is going t be scary

[Simona]

I had a really bad morning. My son (11, ADHD, ODD) threw a tantrum over his confiscated Iphone. Then I lost it and punched myself while yelling at partner. He says something and makes me so mad I just can't stop hitting myself because it's not fair. All I want is for him to give back our son's Iphone because he's been taught a lesson already. Now soon I will have to leave to see my mh support worker and I'm in a very BAD mood.

[Simona]

My mh clinician just rang. She praised me for contacting the services mid week when I felt 'unsafe'. I told her about this morning. She told me to look after myself and cut myself a break. I told her I'm struggling to believe in my illnesses. One hr I believe it the next I don't. I couldn't take the medication last night. My stomach hasn't been very good at digesting and it's been hurting all night.