In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_1055]

Just saying hello, and to let you know I am thinking of you !

Love

Shelley xxx

PS. Please feel free to answer or not. No pressure.

[blondguy]

Hey Simona

My heart aches for the feelings you have right now...

We are here....(if you wish to answer..no problemo)

Paul

(just a hug if thats okay)

[Bluey_moon]

Oh Simona 😭 

I wish I could help you! 

[Graceeeeee]

Hey Simona!

I am so so sorry to hear what you're going through, earlier I was just imagining going over to your place and give you a hug, hug tight hug and I won't let go until you do. I feel pain from your pain, and even if I'm not a professional I still hope I can help by making you feel less lonely, I, and all everyone on this forum, will be here and love, support you whenever you need us 🙂

I understand how little kid's pranks can be hurtful sometimes, but I think the fact that your son confessed to you about being in one of those pranks means that he feels guilty, and kids are kids, they don't understand how pranks hurt you, because when they get pranked they find it funny, and your son probably just wanted to fit in with his mate 🙂 I find myself less myself when I try to fit in with people too 🙂 So don't take it personally, when he grows a little older he will understand more 🙂

Also, the swim on Australia Day sounds nice! And although your good time with Master 10 sounds really good too! Even though it was interrupted it'd still be pleasing to have hung out with your little buddy 😛

When I'm down at times I find listening to music or reading helps, or sometimes I talk to people, it's so much better since I found the BB forum where everyone understands 🙂 And I hope I have made you feel a little better, even if just a little less lonely, know that my heart is here with you and I love and care about you, like everyone here does 🙂

Sending you endless love for you from the bottom of my heart, and big big hugs that might just suffocate you a little bit ❤️

Hope this evening has been a little better for you! 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx

[Simona]

I'm feeling so overcome. I come here and people react and respond to me. Show me emotion.   I'm stuck behind thickened tempered glass or so it feels.  I wish I could feel something other than confusion, adrenalin and fear.   I go from laughing to crying just like that.  I don't get jokes and am not good at making them but I laugh at my own comedy

This morning I'm writing this with clarity. I'm feeling sharp and not serrated.

 Some time ago a man said to me "it must suck to be you'.

And this moment in time I have to agree.  I can't just unscrew my head and place it on the bedside table although the thought of parting with it is fierce.   All weekend the psychosis.   I was alone since Friday.  That is alone in my head. Partner came home very early Friday but I shut myself away in another room and pulled down blinds away from the sunlight.    This is not about him or feelings.  I just have to do it.

This is what it's like to be me.  I sometimes go weird but I'm not aware until I come to and I'm bent over the kitchen sink scooping  soft boiled egg into my mouth with yolk running between my fingers only to lick them off. And then I feel like some ravenous animal dripping yellow.  For that was dinner to me and i was trying to outrace the clock again in fear of losing time. Because the clocks around the house try to trick me hence my interest in time-travel tutorials and Donny Darko.

 I feel more with 'it' this morning.  My heart is pumped and I feel like I need to out run something/someone. But the children are in school with their healthy cut lunches and I'm all nicely lacquered and perfumed for the day. Because whatever is in the head appearances must be maintained especially in small town. I'm 'pulling' myself 'together'.     This for me is a mental picture of a rusty piece of barbed wire that I'm trying to bend and knot. I see this in my head now.

I spent Saturday in my darkened room talking to my dog because she was making too much noise.  Except she was never in the room with me but everything I heard was true and real. Something was in there with me and it was not a mouse. It was much bigger and moving around at the foot off the bed.

 Came night the vertigo hit and I was on spin cycle again.  I think from all those head movements I do. It comes with a dirty smirk on my face. I'm not aware of this but partner and my children notice.   "Why are you smirking mum?"    "What are you up to now"?     Me;   oh nothing.

[Simona]

So I hide away because I feel the sepsis creeping through me and they are beginning to notice. Just put me in a room because when I'm like this i  NEED those walls.  This is not something new.  Since  I was 13. But now I'm woman and I forget myself. I forget I'm not a child as I race them around the house or crawl on the carpet pretending to be an animal.  That is how I crawled into my 17 year old's bedroom one night.  God I love to make them laugh.  My own children gently push papers under the door when I'm gone for long.   "When are you coming out mum?" or "Can I come in"?    They have all become letter pushers because knocking/banging is too startling for me.  I hear partner trying to keep them away from the door.

Sunday I was unwell because I didn't know where I was or what I was about to do.  I stood in the hallway about to just burst into tears and asked what am I doing.    And partner told me and gave me a list except I lost the list for few minutes and panicked.  He kept my 2 younger children away from me (10, 8).    Master 10 provokes me greatly. I'm really no good with him.  He works me up into a frenzy.  He is my detonator.    He and his friend upset me again playing cruel trick on Saturday.  It involved a dead animal and partner got very cross with them and asked them what they were thinking.

 Thank-you so much for reaching out to me.  Your KINDNESS and CONCERN is grounding/anchoring.  I'm trying really hard here but I feel schizoid and communicating incl physical closeness is not easy for me as is speaking.   This week I have to see my psychologist.  And I'm terrified of not coming home so much so that I have booked myself in to a salon the next day .  Some incentive to hold myself together so that barbed wire doesn't bleed me out and expose me

Sorry for his long long reply.   I didn't mean to get carried away. I just feel I ought to explain myself because I'm not a monster

[Starwolf]

Simona, sweetheart....seeing you in such bad place breaks my heart.

It seems to me your OBE experience contains a clear message : you want out, you NEED out for a while. It seems your loved ones are contributing to your distress as they have no idea how to respond. Sometimes, input from others -no matter how well meant- only complicates an already difficult situation. The fact that you lock yourself away in your bedroom shows that time alone and away from external turmoil is what you need. Could this be organized in a way that makes you feel safe and supported ?

Bringing order to chaotic personal head space is difficult enough without being bombarded by too much outside stimulus. How would you feel about taking a break for a while ? Would your partner be willing to run the household in your absence ? Machu Picchu sounds like a good idea, but the logistics involved might make it too difficult. You may have to opt for an easier alternative !

I hope your therapist can help with creative suggestions to ease the pain. As you well know, this exhausting turmoil has to stop. Peace of mind is our birthright.

My love and thoughts are with you.

[Graceeeeee]

Hey Simona!

I'm here to let you know that my love and thoughts are here with you, it's good to hear that you love your kids and love to make them laugh 🙂 I think it's good that your partner left you alone when you needed to be too. I don't think it 'sucks to be you', I think you are an unique, beautiful, intelligent and strong woman, who is still battling with her mind although it's just so hard and she just wants to run away so bad sometimes, but you are special and you are so tough and amazing, you may not see it yet but one day you will 🙂 

And I think it's good that you're seeing your psychologist next week, it's good to see what kind of creative suggestions he/she could come up with to help you ease the pain a little, and (if you are willing to of course) you could ask for his/her opinion on whether or not you could take some medications to help control the mood swing a little, hope I'm not offending you in anyway 🙂

I am glad to hear that me being here has helped you, just letting you know that as always, me and everyone here will always be here to support you and love you whenever you need us 🙂 Even to just tell you that we care, and you are not alone.

So so much love to you my dear Simona!!! ❤️ Hope you're feeling a little better today, don't hesitate to post anything on your mind 🙂

With much Love,

Grace xx ❤️ ❤️

[Bluey_moon]

Simona honey, my love, thoughts and prayers (if you beleive in that sort of thing?) are with you! 

If I could take away your pain I would! 

You are not a monster! 

Skye

[blondguy]

Hey Simona

That guy that said 'it must suck to be you' .....Just a quick note on that comment...

* Avoid people who are overly critical and negative....

* I have many people I know that dont have the confidence to post the way you do.....

* You are a Legend

Take good care....there are a lot of very kind people on here that support you...

Hugz

Paul