In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

Hello Shelley anne

Rest? ha.  No such hope.   Thank-you so much for your kind thoughts  : )  

I hope tonight is better. In any case i don't think there is any hocus pocus at work here. Just the effects of insomnia coupled by moodiness and mild anorexia. 

For the time being i feel stable (7pm here).    If i disappear for few days don't worry. We tend to lose internet coverage during storms    

: )

[Guest_1055]

Thinking of you today, just wanted to say hello to you and send some love to you at your place.

With love

Shelley xx

[Simona]

I'm feeling so not good.   I just feel so grinded down.  And maybe I shouldn't fear that dark tunnel so much because in a lot of ways I feel like I'm in a living hell anyway

I try so hard for a good morning. A good day.  And when I'm feeling relatively stable after catching up on sleep, gathering all my reserves together someone else explodes (my 10 yr old) and I try to duck and weave around them.  Because I don't want to lose my self control and end up like I was couple of days ago.

Here: take your benzo and get on with it.   But I can't.   About 4 days out of 7  i'm woken up by my son through the night though his on melatonin.  That's if I'm actually sleeping.    He's not well. I'm not well.    What to do..what to do...   somedays like today I just want to run away but I can't bring myself to do it.   I know I wouldn't last out there for long. 

I love them all with every fibre of my being.  But I can't just tune out like their dad with his Playstation.   Half days they all sit there gaming alternating between the ipod, ipad and playstation and it eats at me.   Machine gun ratatatatat.   My children don't play those but none the less sit and watch their dad playing.    And that is 'family' time  : (

No-one want to go anywhere with me even for drive.   I'm lonely and miss my 17 year old so much.

Shelley anne  : )    Your light and love received with gratitude.     I'm touched you have taken a moment to think of me.

[Guest_1055]

So what did you get up to today. Did you go for a walk with your dog or anything? I'm sorry you and your little boy are not well. I do wish I could do something. 

With lots of love to you

Shelley xx

[Simona]

Hello Shelley anne  : )

Well I'm pleased to report I successfully moved family out of the lounge...eventually.   Got them out and into the state forest for a good 3 hour nature walk.   Master 10 grumbled and kicked the dirt. Threw fallen branches. Thrown sticks and repeated "I 'fricken' hate this MUM!!!   I'm going to die here, my legs feel weak....ba ba baaa".   I told them all this will be a routine event every weekend depending on weather.  

Australia Day we went to the lake and the children had a swim with their new paddle boards.  Partner had to work though.  The water sure worn us out

We are ok so please don't worry. Master 10 is very similar to me.  He just needs to move. If he feels prickly/frustrated better he be walking and throwing sticks then playing car racing games or going through the recycling bin to find potential 'missiles'  

Lots of love right back 'atcha'    : )

Simona

[Guest_1055]

Hey Simona

That swim sounds really nice. I am glad you are OK. Boys seem to like  finding and or making missiles and such.

With love

Shelley xx

[Simona]

Bad things have happened.

1. Someone (social worker) has gone behind my back and reported my mental status and now an individual has been assigned to haunt me every week via phone.  They ask me about my feelings which is the equivalent of trying  to pick a scab until I bleed.     I have no choice about this and it's not easy for me to talk because I have to be very careful with what I say and how I say it.    And this individual want to assign some kind of person to come and spend time with me.   And I said NO thanks. I like being alone in a quiet house

2. Partner was cooking for a change and I was playing Pop Weasel around the table with Master 10 when mum rang.   And I love my mum but this woman can turn into a downpour on my parade. Because she gets paranoid when I don't call and she wanted to know how I am.     And she said 2 very upsetting things to me that make me feel like a rusty cheese grater.    A.  She is concerned I'm going to suicide  and B. My son will grow up to be a psychopath.        And I got quite tense inside but restrained my tone which I'm proud of. I told her not all psychopaths do those terrible things.   Some are very successful business people or even anaesthetists.   And I will love him anyway.  And she said there is no such thing called "unconditional love" : /

I love my mum but her imagination is out of control.  And it frustrates me so badly because I was having a good time/I was happy.     Sometimes I really wonder who is mentally ill  : /

I will sooner run away and re-invent myself than die.  And next week I'm supposed to see the psychologist and I'm ultra paranoid.   It's not an offense to think stuff.  Thoughts = clouds.  They drift and hurt no-one.

[Guest_1055]

Hello Simona

I know you love your children. Thinking of you.

 With much love

Shelley xx

[Simona]

hello Shelley

For you i will smile  : )

My mum phoned earlier. She really wanted to train it up and stay for a couple of days .  She said to please just think about it but i will say no. I don't want her to see me. Nothing personal.

I don't understand why people have to make such fuss.   There's concern if i 'm really happy ( i actually think there's a degree of jealousy there).  And then likewise worry if I'm silent like stone.  Life could be SO simple if people could just learn to relax and kick back a little.  I have hurt no-one and have no plans to. I'm just for fun and i am who iam.  I'm whistling my own tune and was actually daydreaming for the better part of the day - about visiting Machu Picchu if i win the tatts tonight.  There a lake there i want to swim in.

*Thank you Shelley*

[Simona]

I love my children yes. I love them so much.  I'm not  able to talk much but i kiss them gently while they sleep and stand over them watching