In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Simona · ‎09-12-2017

Im missing my family so much it hurts

monkey_magic · ‎09-12-2017

Sorry you are having to go through so much Simona, I truelly am

running_up_that_hill · ‎12-12-2017

I too am really sorry that you have to go through all of this too.

Simona · ‎14-12-2017

Today has been my 1st full day at home. I have to take a small collection of medication morning and night. This is on top of my monthly depot injection. I'm really determined to co-operate . I had enough of the psych ward and i have really put my family through so much hurt i just want to show them how sincerely committed i am to staying well and staying at home. Today i unpacked my suitcase, washed clothes and cleaned the house. So far so good. Early nights and early mornings the way to go. Need to stick with a routine and have some 'me' time. Today i sat down in a café and had my fave dirty chai and that entailed driving into town. Will get back into the hang of driving more just need to take it easy atm

Quercus · ‎14-12-2017

Hi Simona 😊

What a lovely thing to read you are home. I bet you enjoyed your dirty chai and I'm glad you are home with your family.

I know you have disliked medication but it's worth it if it means you are stable and can be at home.

Hope you are enjoying TLC from your family and being home again. Take good care of yourself please.

❤ Nat

monkey_magic · ‎14-12-2017

I rem that freeing feeling of finally being let out, so good hey. I understand the position you're in because I also have a list of meds plus an injection. Took the injection today.

I was scared they were going to keep you in for a lot longer because of the impatient 26 week thing I think it was. The longest I was kept in was 3 months and it was shocking for me. I don't do enclosed spaces for that long well..effected me.

Congrats on getting out & wanting to be well. I wish u all the best with your recovery.

Simona · ‎15-12-2017

Seen my MH support worker. Was firmly told i need to stay medicated. If i don't child protection will be notified. I bowed my head in shame. I agree with everything she said

Quercus · ‎17-12-2017

Hi Simona,

Wow my heart sank reading your last post. That must have been a shock to hear. You are a good mum. A good mum hears the hard truth and takes it on board and does what is needed. I have absolute faith in you Simona.

Even at your worst in this thread you have been adamant that you love your children. That you would never harm them. Even when this illness made you think your child was possessed you didn't do anything. You love your kids.

There is no shame in having a mental illness or needing medication or needing help. It is the doctors and government's job to plan for the worst case scenario when kids are involved. This also is to protect you as it gives you a meaningful reason to manage your mental illness.

From reading your thread I know you distrust your medical team sometimes and dislike medication. They would know this too. Have you thought maybe them giving you this hard truth is their way of ensuring you commit to managing your health and take better care of yourself even when you don't want to.

Sometimes we don't care for ourselves because we don't feel we are worth it. I know this feeling very well. But you are very important. Your kids need their Mum. They love you. And I have no doubt you love them completely. There is no shame Simona. Just a need for you to care for yourself however it can be achieved.

For what it's worth I am so proud of you for sharing your last post. That must have been so very hard to do. But I don't think any less of you. I think you're a great Mum.

❤ Nat

monkey_magic · ‎24-12-2017

Hi Simona & all reading,

Wanted to wish u a merry Xmas!!!

Thinking of you, hope you're doing OK 🙂

monkey_magic · ‎05-01-2018

Hi Simona,

We haven't heard from you in a while. I was wondering how life is treating you,how you are going? Only if u want to say that is. Hope you had a good new years.