In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Graceeeeee]

Hey my dear Simona!

Oh I have so much love for you, and I understand how painful it can be to have paranoia, and I am here to give you big big hugs 🙂 I want you to know that there's no way any of us would talk behind anyone's back here, it's just a place with Absolutely no judgement, and we all love you and we feel your pain for you 🙂 And yes sometimes posts get lost here, the last one I posted had a problem too, it happens from time to time, so don't worry about it my dear 🙂

And wow, such a good thing for you to donate! Such a good thing for you too do, what a kind soul you are my dear friend 🙂 And yess foot massages sound really soothing and really comforting, I hope you enjoyed them, how are the kids going? Hope you're getting through this week ok, it's almost Friday!! ❤️

I wish all the very best for you, and with my deepest love and biggest hugs to you, ❤️ ❤️

Grace xx

[Simona]

Grace, you are such a beautiful caring soul with so much wisdom.  Thank-you for reaching out to me : )  And i know you all care. I really do. It's not me - it's that paranoia piranha snapping in my brain.

My partner said the other day - oh, so I'm the bad guy now?     (i want to quietly mention that his staring/monitoring of my movements/facial expressions is extremely agitating)   But my paranoia has no bounds it's just that he takes it really personally.

But it's not the REAL me folks.  And though i feel like i have been sleeping more i don't feel better for it. Rather i have no energy/motivation and i just need to lie in bed and not move a muscle. Ate a cheese and tomato sandwich today so it's more than yesterday so I'm really trying here. And it didn't taste/smell bad.   I had people ring this morning because i need to go in for some mental assessment early next week.   Maybe I'm just really stressed out.  Well that's what I'm hoping.  But sometimes like earlier today i just want to go to them for help because i get scared of losing control/awareness and hurting my family.

It's like something nasty crawled inside my ear and into my brain where it's began to multiply and make noise. That is my best description of it.   And today i got so frustrated i picked up this very laptop and almost broke it. All because someone interrupted my train of thought.

Yes i donate because i repent. 

Aha the children are ok. My partner helps. I'm probably not the best person to say how they are.  I tell them i love them and i read to my daughter yesterday.  

[Starwolf]

Hey Simona,

You are a legend indeed, so thank you for your sense of humour. Sometimes it takes a great deal of courage not to lose it. And we all need a good old belly laugh to loosen the knots inside us.

I think many of us here can relate to the feeling of "not belonging". Seeing/feeling what happens in the world around us makes one wonder whether belonging is desirable. But there again, we're all part of it and everyone of us has a place in it and a role to play. Where would the world be without its "outsiders" ? Many are trailblazers, a source of progress and inspiration. Perhaps  their social skills may not be what is expected of them. So what ? Flaws in a gem give it character and uniqueness.

Seeing/being outside the square, does make us feel isolated, worthless at times. We are different but not alone. Here we can somehow mingle and interact with each other, give each other understanding and support. We can laugh and cry together.

 Your contribution is much appreciated. I hope today is a good day for you.

[blondguy]

Hi Simona

What a wonderful gesture..donating to your op shop....

Starwoof 😉 is spot on here. We all have Flaws as in a gem making us Unique and giving us Character Simona

At Uni we were taught to dump the word 'Normal' from our vocabulary.....Being individuals normality is meaningless..none of us are

I do hope you feel better Simona and thankyou for the help you have given others on this site 🙂

You Legend you....

Here for you

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Graceeeeee]

Heyy Simona!

Good afternoon, I've been thinking about you 🙂 I know it's hard when you have paranoia, and I understand you don't mean it personally to anyone, have you tried explaining that to your partner? 🙂 I think he'd try to understand it for you. And oh you are such a beautiful soul, I absolutely agree with Starwolf, you are different, I am different, everyone here is different, but that doesn't mean we're anything less than anyone else, if anything, it makes us unique and special, and what would the world be like without us?! And no, we are definitely not alone, we will always always be here for each other 🙂 Because a kind soul like you deserve so many good things ❤️

And it's so good to hear that you ate more today! Take baby steps, one at a time, and you'll see how you improve in time, it can be so hard to just get out of bed and try sometimes, but we are all here for you 100%, whenever you need us, we are here to go through the hard time with you ❤️ ❤️ My love is with you, all the best to you my dear Simona, keep being the strong woman you are 🙂 You are an inspiration to us!

With so much love to you,

Grace xxx ❤️ ❤️

[blondguy]

Hey Simona

just being a pest and seeing how you are going 🙂

I agree with you that Graceee is a Beautiful Caring Soul with the innate gift of wisdom....

I have nothing but admiration for 'Starwolf'...He is a an absolute gem...Keep reading his posts....he has a 'gift' for they way he supports people on BB...If you see me write 'Starwoof' Im only having fun...I didnt put as much thought into my screen name...

I hope you are okay Simona....x

Paul

[Simona]

Hello Paul  🙂     I'm ok.   Just my mum behaving in a very concerning manner and I'm quite worried for her mental health now.   She sounds terribly anxious on the phone and has told me she's coming up.   I told her no you are not.  Her anxiety levels are triggering me. I'm an adult. I think I will now when I need to self admit. Now I'm paranoid again (which I wasn't before her call).       See, she probably thinks I'm very unstable and hiding out which is not the case.    I'm active, I'm shopping and I'm busying with my children ie drop off/picks ups and the usual.  And she went on to say I should be away from them and that just kills me.   Well there you go.  I'm sitting here eating fresh berries and nuts and feeling distrustful of her now.  I tell her a couple of things and she blows it all out of proportion and gives herself massive anxiety attacks then calls me up.  She also mind you; called up my partner's parents and created a great big mess for me first thing this morning.  In any case, for arguments sake: if I was 'S" just what the hell is she thinking ringing me up telling me I am?  Like who does that?   Why would you go and do a thing like that?  Just what is she exactly hoping to achieve by her hysteria?    To calm me down?    Hang on,  I WAS calm before she rang but NOW:  well, let's just say I'm gravely concerned about her mental status.  

But otherwise I'm good : )   I'm trying hard not to worry about her.  I will go and listen to my Ipod and and chillax.

YES. Starwolf is another wonderful supporter of me and is indeed very knowledgeable and kind.   There is no drama. No panic. Just a little turbulence lately and stress can manifest in many ways as we all know. 

[Guest_1055]

Hey Simona

I just want to say hello, and to say you do sound much better. It is coming through in your words. I am so glad.

With much love to you

Shelley xx

[Simona]

Hello shelley  🙂     I do?   I really do sound better?    Gosh.  I hope so.     It's mum - I actually rang her about 20 min ago to check up on her.   The paranoia had me thinking she's on her way and my guts have been crook after the berries and nuts.   Still crook now so NO dinner for me. But she sounds stable for now and she was with my brother who can keep an eye on her.   Old people sometimes go funny and she recently had a lot of grief to deal with.    I hope she will be ok.  Thank-you Shelley : )    

[Graceeeeee]

Hey Simona my dear friend!!

So sorry to hear you're going through that, hope you feel a little better now 🙂 Your mom probably didn't have any ill intentions, I'm sure she loves you and cares about you, my dad is an anxious person too, my mom also has a bit of a temper, and that I have to admit, does affect me, but I try to still just stick by what I think is right, and by doing that I try to make them be influence by my actions too 🙂 I guess it's much better now, hope you'll find a way out with your mom soon!

And hey, it's so so good to hear you being active my dear friend! I understand how much courage that takes, and I think you deserve a big round of applause for that! Here goes for you my dear friend!! You are such a strong woman ❤️ So much love to you, my love and thoughts are with you ❤️ 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx