In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Simona]

Also I have to say; the psychosis - it was here all weekend.   I really don't know what the hell I was doing in the bush in 40 odd degrees.   Because now the person I was looking for doesn't exist. 

[Scotchfinger]

Sounds like you need some help, urgently Simona.  I'm not  qualified to give you expert advice. I think you need to speak to someone else besides your husband. Can you speak to someone in town? How about calling lifeline?

Take care anyway.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Simona

I'm so sorry you are feeling sad and scared, I wish I was at your place to physically help you or something. Did you call your mum? I know you have spoken of her before. I want to help you so much, but I don't know how. Maybe you just need a nice long rest, or something. I am sending you some love now.

Will you post back, and let us know how you are going?

With much love to you

Shelley xx

[Simona]

I can't talk about it because talking about it makes it worse.  The head pain the lot.  I have been struggling to just get this out because I'm stuck in this word maze. 

Thank-you

[Simona]

Oh Shelley anne  -

Gosh you know; there wouldn't be much you could do.  I'm really not good for psychical company/interaction but I so appreciate your warmth and concern.   Please know that.  Because i do feel it. 

The way i am: i would like to be put under general anaesthetic and just left in dark room with no noise

That weird head pain is was I fear most.  It made me feel like i had to be sick. Because I fell asleep with it and I woke up with it and it's all on one side and no matter which way I turn my head it hurts.  It's like something is in there.

I'm here but not really.   Yes I spoke to my mum yesterday. She called right in the middle of it all .  She mainly listened and said oh no please take your benzos.     butI just can't.   I don't know why but i just can't 

*Thank-you*

[Simona]

I had one of those OBE dream experiences again.  I was walking down the street and I began to slow down. First my thoughts then my body. It was that fading out feeling again like a battery going flat. And I turned back to ask for help because there were people getting out of a parked car but the nearer I got the more erased i felt . And I said please help me. Please call the ambos but they didn't hear.

And just like in that other dream i collapsed but i didn't float up.  Instead i was sucked down a long dark tunnel away from the light and i was travelling at high speed with that light at the top getting smaller.   

I felt i was dying and i panicked enough so that i woke up but i felt like i was in a dream still. My bedroom looked the same but it was like i was in a different dimension.  So i lay there in bed too scared to shut my eyes but this incredible pulling feeling dragged me back and i was in that tunnel and hurtling down again and i had such a panic attack this time that i woke up and got out of bed.  Phew that was so scary!   Been awake since. I was scared i was going to hell.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Simona,

Thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry that you've been going through such a tough time and it sounds incredibly exhausting.

Were you able to get in contact with your psychologist?  Did she help at all?

Sometimes when people are feeling this way it helps to try and have a panic or anxiety box.  In this box are things that help make people feel a little more calmer and a little less lonely; maybe it's candles, smelly perfumes, a teddy, photos or even some music.  It can sound silly at first but remembering that what you're going through wont' last forever and that you are strong enough to get through it.  It's also okay to ask your husband to stop playing for a bit or play at a different time; I know how confronting gun noises can be even if they are from a game! 

Hopefully you'll have a bit more insight from your psychologist - and maybe even she can give you some numbers to call if you get stuck like this again, such as Lifeline or Beyond Blue support line.

Hope this helps,

[Guest_1055]

Hey Simona

I am glad your mum called you up. Those dreams do sound quite scary, I'm sorry. Did you manage to get any proper rest at all? I am thinking of you, and I wish I could free you from all the things that trouble you. 

With much love

Shelley xx

[Simona]

Well I haven't tried to reach him again and he never did respond to my earlier call.   If it wasn't the school holidays it wouldn't be so tough. But I just don't get a reprieve.   I have had children come and go, sleep-overs. Drop offs, pick -ups , movie nights etc etc.   Squabbles, hissy fits and all the rest. 

Despite my own mental struggles/insomnia I think I have been pretty damn accommodating to all because there's really not much out here.

But some of my child's mates deliberately play tricks on me/set me up on wild goose chases - crank calls until I scream because  they ring home line and my mobile over and over and then they get together and laugh about how loud i scream.    I know this by word of mouth.   Things like that. And my son has confessed to being in on one of these gags and that made me feel puzzled because i love him so much.

And when I'm in that really happy way they seemingly zero in on me because they know that just about any idea is going to be swell by me.    I can say this now because I'm down in the gravel again but when I'm in the middle of a 'high' or whatever you want to call it i don't have this level of clarity and i get reeled in .  By children

Because I have no history in print as in a diagnosis I think perhaps my psychologist assumes I'm just a stressed out mother.  Maybe that is one of the reasons for his mutiny.  I haven't even had my 1st session with the man so he knows nothing except that i called for him crying.

Anxiety/Panic box -  For me it's the shower cubicle and well; i like standing in there with the water running over me.  If i can't shower i listen to my Ipod.    I like my time in another room just for a 'breather'. 

Sorry if this post is abit all over the place.