I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

[Nellym]

ok, so I don't even know the best place to put this but here goes.

So I was talking to an online chat the other night about some of my issues and getting some advice. They asked if I had self harmed and I had said yes. I told them I was not suicidal and only used self-harm as a coping strategy when my other strategies don't work. Was asked if anyone was with me, I said my husband but he doesn't know about everything (he knows a little bit) and I am not ready to tell him. Said I was seeing a psychologist and that they know everything going on. They kept saying I need to tell someone and go somewhere for help. I kept telling them I was ok and didn't need medical assistance. They asked if they could ring me and I said not right now, I am happy to ring later on tonight when I am alone. So chat ended there.

20 mins later I have police knocking on my door saying they had a report of someone harming themselves and wanting to commit suicide. Well all hell broke lose. I spoke to them, they realised I was ok and did not need to go to hospital.

So now is the part I need help with. My psych is on 2 weeks leave so cannot get into contact. I have had to tell my husband more than I am comfortable with at this stage. I had already planned to sit down with him and my psych. together and let him know more.

Now everything is worse than ever. My anxiety is through the roof, has just increased my SH, panic attacks have doubled, my husband has gone all weird on me and now I never want to reach out and get help again in case something like this happens again. I feel so alone and don't know what to do anymore. The last 2 days have been hell and I feel like the little control I had has now gone.

[White_Rose]

Hello Nellym

Sadly we cannot change the past but I suppose another way of looking at this is think what would happen if you could change the past. That may lead to a more disastrous future. I won't say forget the past because that is clearly useless. Be aware of your past and learn its lessons but don't let it control your future actions.

I hope you can move on and put the crap in the WPB (waste paper basket). Then start again here. Do not worry about trust, just start with the small things and go from there.

Mary

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

This feels sort of familiar. I haven't had police intervention thankfully but I have trust issues as it is with friends and loved ones breaking up with me, mistreating me, abandoning me, etc. But on top of that, I have this worry about who to tell my thoughts and issues to and what might happen from there.

Yes, I have had suicidal thoughts and have come close a couple of times in the last couple of months. No, that does not exactly mean I am going to do something about it. I know people, even mental health professionals mean well but it can be hard to feel truly honest with what's going on without worrying that they'll misinterpret what you're saying or go a bit overboard or even get it to the stage where certain people might find out about your poor mental state, (EG: ex girlfriends) whom you are not comfortable with knowing this information. It can make you feel very uncomfortable and wary on speaking out. It is really frustrating.

[Nellym]

Thanks for the replies

It is frustrating and I have lost all trust now and don't think it will come back. I'll just put on my 'fake smile' and tell people that "I am fine". That's what they want to hear anyway. They don't want to hear what is really happening.

It's easier if I just stop talking to people and keep it to myself. That way I can't hurt the people around me again.

[White_Rose]

Dear Nellym

You sound like me in the past. I also said I would trust no one and would keep my problems to myself. And it works for a while. Yes, we need to be careful who we confide in but not put everyone in the same untrustworthy basket. As I said above, don't look at the big picture just concentrate on the day to day events in the bottom left hand corner and go with that.

I had a quick look back at the posts but there is no reference about you seeing a counsellor of some sort. Do you go to someone? I hope it is helpful.

Mary

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

I see a psychologist weekly and am booked into see a psychiatrist early Oct. Unfortunately my psychologist is away for 2 weeks so cannot tell him all that happened.

[White_Rose]

Hello Nellym

The one bad thing about seeing MH professional is that they insist on having holidays. Two weeks can seem like an eternity when you feel very down. I saw my psychiatrist last week. She is now on holiday because she has children. So it will be three weeks between appointments instead of one. Add to that my GP is going away for several months, which is a habit she has got into during the past few years. I really depend on her so it's probably good to manage on my own.

You can practice trust with us here. We cannot tell anyone about you because your whereabouts are unknown. Also it may help to practice these things and we can be your sounding board. Did I suggest writing a journal of sorts? I always found that useful when I felt particularly down. I re-read them a couple of years and had a bit of a giggle about some of the entries. The psych I had then used to fall asleep while I was talking. Such an ego boost.

Total trust is hard to give again but can you consider trusting someone in small things? It may be the way to go. As ever only what you want and choose to do.

Mary

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

I changed psychologists a couple months ago because the last one was in his 80's and often fell asleep. Nice guy but never had much to offer than being a sounding board. When someone falls asleep on you in your most vulnerable need for help, it's just SO horrible.

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your reply. I will try and start trusting people again, but I think I will take baby steps and see how I go. I had to laugh a bit about your psych falling asleep. Must have made for interesting sessions. Hopefully the one you see now stays awake!

Nell

[Sad_Puppy_Dog]

Hi Nelly. I'm curious how things have been since your first post with your partner. Has he been more understanding, is he still the same? Obviously that is one support that would go a long way to helping in this hard time.

[Nellym]

Hi Sad Puppy Dog,

My partner is still a bit freaked out with the whole thing. I am trying to look at it from his point of view and how scary it must have been for him. I contact lifeline in a moment of distress the other night and had a really good talk to someone about all of this, which has helped a bit.

I have tried to let him know that I am ok, but I think I am trying to act as happy and normal as possible around him which has been exhausting and making my anxiety worse.

I haven't told him yet about my past traumas. That will happen in the psychologist's office. After what I tell him happened to me, he will need more support than I can give him.

Unfortunately it was just really shitty timing with this happening and the psychologist going on holidays!

I am just taking it hour by hour at the moment and taking baby steps along the way. That is all I can manage for now.

Nell