I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

[Nellym]

ok, so I don't even know the best place to put this but here goes.

So I was talking to an online chat the other night about some of my issues and getting some advice. They asked if I had self harmed and I had said yes. I told them I was not suicidal and only used self-harm as a coping strategy when my other strategies don't work. Was asked if anyone was with me, I said my husband but he doesn't know about everything (he knows a little bit) and I am not ready to tell him. Said I was seeing a psychologist and that they know everything going on. They kept saying I need to tell someone and go somewhere for help. I kept telling them I was ok and didn't need medical assistance. They asked if they could ring me and I said not right now, I am happy to ring later on tonight when I am alone. So chat ended there.

20 mins later I have police knocking on my door saying they had a report of someone harming themselves and wanting to commit suicide. Well all hell broke lose. I spoke to them, they realised I was ok and did not need to go to hospital.

So now is the part I need help with. My psych is on 2 weeks leave so cannot get into contact. I have had to tell my husband more than I am comfortable with at this stage. I had already planned to sit down with him and my psych. together and let him know more.

Now everything is worse than ever. My anxiety is through the roof, has just increased my SH, panic attacks have doubled, my husband has gone all weird on me and now I never want to reach out and get help again in case something like this happens again. I feel so alone and don't know what to do anymore. The last 2 days have been hell and I feel like the little control I had has now gone.

[White_Rose]

Hello Nellym

I get the part about taking things one hour at a time. At the worst part of my depression that was all I could manage. Even trying to look further was impossible. My daughter told me "Baby steps mom, baby steps". She was hugely supportive. Sometimes I was asked to do something in the future, like next day or even worse, next week and I would get in a tizz.

So keep your eye on the spot in front of you and shuffle forward. Sometimes that is not only the best we can do, it's also the safest.

Remember you can phone BB 24/7. The number is 1300 22 4636 There is another help line that gives you more time. It's the Suicide Call Back Service. Don't let the name put you off. They do offer counselling but more to the point they can stay longer with you on the phone. It's also a 24/7 number 1300 659 467.

May I suggest you stop acting as though there is nothing wrong. As you say it is exhausting and may trigger another panic attack. If you are tired then rest, if you want to out then do so, you get the picture. You are going through an horrendous time, being considerate of others is nice but you need the support. Please look after yourself first and if necessary tell your partner why you are doing this.

Have you looked at the information here on BB? Browse through it all and download what you want. Your BF may be interested in reading some of this to help him understand what is going on.

Mary

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for that, you have very sound advice!

I know I need to stop pretending like everything is ok and it is adding to my distress, but I think at this stage if I told my partner especially since my psychologist is on holidays than it would be worse. I couldn't handle the questions he would ask. I know it's not ideal but I think it is the best outcome as this stage from a really crappy situation.

Lifeline were good and promised me they wouldn't call the police with letting me know first, so will ring them again if I need too.

I have looked at the info on BB, and read through the ones on anxiety, depression and PTSD. I hadn't thought of passing it onto him, that might be a good idea.

I will see how tonight goes, hopefully I get some more sleep than the last few nights. My body/brain must be ready to cave in soon.

Nell

[Nellym]

To anyone out there,

I need some help. The last three days have been hell and I am not sleeping. Last night I didn't get any sleep. I can't clear my mind and my normal coping strategies are not working. My past traumas won't leave my head and I feel so helpless at the moment. Last night was bad. My safety plan didn't work, I ended up doing bad things and got really upset. I need to speak to my psychologist but I cannot get in contact with him as his on holidays.

My anxiety levels are high and I just feel distressed all the time. I don't know how to handle it anymore. I just want it all to go away, just for awhile, so I can get some relief.

[Guest_5218]

Hi Nellym. We spoke briefly last night in the Cafe. Shared a peppermint tea around midnight in fact.

Sorry to read that you've not been getting any sleep. Lack of sleep certainly takes a toll. It sounds as though your PTSD symptoms have been triggered recently. Is it an anniversary or something for you around now? I know for me anniversaries are a really big thing. I totally understand your issues with trust - as Croix has said, a loss of trust generally comes hand in hand with PTSD. Along with everything else of course.

Its most unfortunate with everything thats happened for you over the past week, that your regular psych is away. Do you have a local counsellor that you may be able to speak with in his absence? I realise it isnt ideal to have to talk through past trauma's with a new person, and it may in fact defeat the purpose. But it could be beneficial for you to have someone to speak to face to face right now. Even if it is just to discuss your feelings and emotions and to possibly go through some additional coping strategies for you.

Other things you can try, if you havent already - meditation, yoga, mindfulness, grounding techniques, listening to music, exercise, colouring in, arts and crafts. I know it all sounds very 'ordinary', but sometimes those ordinary things are just what is needed.

I am also wondering if you have had any specific trauma therapy with your psych as yet? I am not sure at what point you are at with your psych sessions. How long have you been suffering from PTSD for? For me, its now over 21 years. There are successful therapies to help reduce symptoms and help us to better manage the symptoms. Worth trying in future, if you havent already.

Or ... if you just need an understanding ear in which to bash ........ I'm very happy to listen. And I may be able to offer some helpful advice along the way.

Sherie

[Nellym]

Hi Sherie,

Thanks for responding. I think it is a build up from last week when the police came to my house. And it has just snowballed from there. I tried to get into see someone else at the same place where my psychologist works, but they were all booked out.

It has only been going on for about 4 months now and probably only been seeing the psychologist for 3 months, so everything is still so new. We have mainly been working on how to try and make the flashbacks and panic attacks not as intense. Made up a safety plan all that sort of thing. Haven't even got to trauma therapy yet. I am booked into see a psychiatrist but not till mid October.

It feels like everything is a waiting game. I can't function properly and I just do the bare minimum everyday so know one knows how bad I really am.

Nell

[White_Rose]

Hello Nell

Sorry for not replying earlier. I know those bad nights. Excuse me for repeating myself but would you consider phoning the Suicide Call Back Service in future. The staff there have a lot of training and are very good when we fall into such dreadful holes as these. www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au copy this link into your browser and check out their website. You will get immediate support which we cannot do.

When I said don't keep your mask on I did not mean tell your partner. Let yourself be tired or cranky (well a little bit😊), or not feel up to cooking a meal. I do worry about you and I want you to be safe and not do those distracting and destructive actions. Talking is always better.

It looks like you need to review your safety plan. When does your psych return? Do you have an appointment with him/her soon? If not phone and ask for an appointment immediately he returns. I know how long the road seems and how dark. Keep shuffling forward until you can take steps. It's so hard to listen to someone giving suggestions when you are smothered in the dark. I get any closer. Remember if you can there is a huge group of people who want you to get well. This includes everyone who has answered you and others who look at your posts and use them to help themselves.

Mary

[Nellym]

Hi Mary,

thanks for your response. I did check out that website and am going to call them if I get to the point of losing control again.

I don't think I can tell my husband everything unless I have my psych sitting next to me. We have discussed this already but he doesn't think I am ready for it and neither do I.

I have got an appointment with my psych first week in October when he returns, so still seems a long way off. So I will use my safety plan for now and just add SCBC into it and see how I go. Thanks for your concern and thoughts. Hopefully tonight is a better night than last night

[White_Rose]

Hello Nell

I hope you had a better night. Amazing how much better we feel after a decent night's sleep.

No don't tell your husband any thing until you are comfortable with the thought. Talking in your psych's office will be good. I'm glad your psych is letting you take things slowly. Rushing through anything often means it has not been examined properly. Just try to relax a little around other people.

Glad you have somewhere safe to phone if it all goes bad.

Mary

[Nellym]

Thanks Mary for your reply,

Had a bit of a turn yesterday afternoon and recovered from that, but about 3am this morning got really bad. Won't go into details, just not good. Safety plan didn't work and did end up calling SCBC. Probably should have called them an hour earlier but didn't.

Had a really good long chat to them which helped a lot. I explained what had happened with the police and they said they wouldn't call anyone which made me relax a bit and let me open up to them a bit more.

It wasn't a miracle fix and I still feel like crap, but at least I kept myself safe and I know I can contact them again if I feel that way again.

So new day today, sun is shining, and I am going to make myself get out of the bloody house!!

Nell

[White_Rose]

That is fantastic. Not that you became a little unsteady but because you took steps to help yourself. That's how you know you are on the right road. Trying to manage on your own is next to impossible.

You have made my day already and it's only 10:00 am.

Calling the SCBS is a huge leap. Sadly no one can 'cure' us in a few minutes but they do provide a great service when we are the most vulnerable. Now you can get help more easily when you fall down that rabbit hole.

The sun is shining here AND I have got the washing on the line. Woo-hoo! I too need to get out of the house. Thanks for telling me.

Mary