I made a big mistake...

[_Nik_]

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I type that way too. I sometimes catch myself doing it and think I'm going a bit overboard.

I want to tell him that stuff, but sometimes I think he'll take it the wrong way and all I want to say is that he's a great friend, but saying that his hugs are good, could come off as creepy and I don't want to be seen that way. Also, my parents don't really like me talking to him, so I don't think seeing him outside of drama to hang out would be ok with them. They'd probably tell me to stop annoying him and give him a break.

- Nik (it's ok if you end with "hugs". It kind of makes me feel as if I can trust you. I was just joking around)

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

Great news about the hugs, I am a pretty huggy kind of person so it makes me feel good like I am connecting to end with hugs, as I do really mean it, if I could reach out through the screen and hug people I really would, especially when they are in such a dark place and just want someone to care.

Glad you understand about all the dots..I do it to break the points up..lol.

I hear what you are saying and that you don't want to come off as a creep and totally freak him out and have him think to you are wanting more than you do, totally get that but how would something like " I just want you to know that I really appreciate you being my friend, when you give me hugs it makes me feel like someone cares and I need that atm." then perhaps later in the conversation you could perhaps say "I would really like it if maybe one day we could eat lunch together, in a non creepy way, so that we can chat and just hang out".

I don't think there is anything creepy about that, you might disagree but I think that is something I would like to hear and I would not think the person was trying to hit on me or want more than just to be friends and eat and chat. Let me know what you think..I could be totally off too....

I also think that if he is an important friend and your parents don't want you hanging out with him is there a reason why they feel this way? I am not sure as to why they would not want you to have a friend? Perhaps I missed something in an earlier post?

I am off to try to assemble an IKEA bed....yes..I will be possibly losing it and throwing a spanner through the window..lol

HUGE HUGS Nik

Sarah x

[_Nik_]

You make me laugh and I really am glad about that.

Thanks for the advice.

As for my parents:

Well they think it's weird for a 15 year old girl (they don't know I'm non-binary) to have a make friend who is 18. They think I text him to much and that I want more than a friendship (even though I clearly don't because I would hate to lose him as a friend). Plus I'm not allowed to be by myself (with friends doesn't count as being with people). I honestly don't know why. They just have issues with me being friends with him and would he extremely against the idea of both of us having lunch together, just the two of us.

They often tell me to stop bothering him, to leave him alone, and that he'd be better of without listening to my problems. That he shouldn't have to deal with me.

They once said that they "let it go" with him, and said it was fine to tell him stuff, but I don't believe that getting told off and punished (my phone getting taken away) for texting him to much is "letting it go".

I hate it. I wish they'd leave me alone. They don't understand and they don't even try to. I'm sick and tired of it. I just want to be in contact with my close friend without them spying on my every move. They have access to every message I send and everything I search up, so I feel trapped and very insecure.

I honestly don't know what to do.

-Nik (please don't break a window with a spanner. It'll cost a lot of money. Plus there are funner ways to break windows. Instead chuck the bed out instead. It'll be more stress relieving)

[Aaronsis]

Hi Nik

The good news is that the bed is together, no need for spanners or beds to be flying through windows..lol

I am going to put on my parent hat and see how I would feel if my daughter had a male friend that was 18, I would be worried that he was trying to take advantage of her, perhaps put moves on her that she was not mentally able to handle and therefore make choices out of fear. I would wonder why he would be interested in having a friend who is 15, why wouldn't he want to be with people his own age. Now I am just seeing this from your parents view point as they don't know how it really is and that you indeed just have a friend in him. I guess with everything that has happened they are worried about you, hence the checking of your phone and your messages as they are probably very worried for your safety and that you perhaps are contacting people (drama group text message) with information that is frightening.

I am wondering if you are able to talk to your parents and ask them what they need from you to be able to have some privacy and what you need to do to regain their trust. I think it is important for you to have some privacy but I also understand that they have a level of concern too. There has to be a happy medium where you are able to show them you understand you made a mistake and that you have learnt from that and it. Do you feel like this is something you could talk with them about?

Being 15 is really tough, I can see the things my son is going through and I do want to protect him and I do want to get involved sometimes, but he too has to learn life's lessons, but with the knowledge that I am there when things go pear shaped. He has made mistakes and has had his phone taken away from him, but I have to trust that he has learnt from them and can grow from it too. There has to be a point where trust is handed back to him, as to you.

Parenting is REALLY hard so try not to be too tough on your parents, it doesn't come with a handbook and we really try to make the best choice at the time, do we get it wrong sometimes ..1000%..but it really is all out of love and trying to do the best we can. We have not done this before and every age presents a new challenge, we are learning too. We have to learn too from our mistakes and also admit when we get it wrong.

I think you can demonstrate your maturity with a conversation asking for some trust and for some privacy.

I am glad you are laughing, that makes my heart smile.

Hugs Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Thanks for the advice.

So, I texted him and wrote what you suggested (the thankyou for being my friend) and he wrote back saying "That's ok, Nik. I understand that you're going through a serious struggle but you'll get through it, I'm sure"

I hope that's a good sign. I'm not really sure.

I know you are just giving suggestions to what my parents might think, but I'm going to answer your thoughts.

At my drama, my group ranges from 14-18, therefore he is in my class. There are only 4 or 5 of each age level, and we are like a family, you wouldn't fit in if you couldn't accept other age groups. Everyone is really accepting in the group, I've never had a single problem for the five years I've been there (I lied. This girl once yelled at me when I was 10 but she never came back, so I'm thinking that she got a warning and her parents removed her). The thing about drama kids, is that we are the most accepting and kind people you will ever meet, because nearly everyone from drama has had problems with Friendships and not fitting in (you can tell who hasn't, but even they won't when put you down) and we all come to drama for a break from life, just to act and be with people of our own kind, even though we are all different.

He's my friend because I have trust issues with girls and people my age, so I tend to hang around older guys.

(also... Not a female. I know my parents don't know that and all... But that's why I find it easier to hang around guys. I'm not a girl. Do I plan to tell my parents that I'm non-binary. Not at all. XD.)

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Nik

OOOHHHHH..it all makes sense now...I thought that the drama group was at school, hence why I suggested that perhaps you could have lunch with him, but I get it that is why it would be weird for you to have lunch together, you are not at school...

I think his response is great, he does really care about you and he is telling you that, he is saying he has faith and hope for you by saying that "..you are going through a serious struggle, but you will get through it, I'm sure". He is saying he knows you and knows you are strong and determined and will be able to manage this time in your life. I think it is a great message.

I hear you so loud and clear, mostly my friends growing up were boys, I found girls to be difficult to manage in their teens, I ended up doing a trade, I am a Fitter and Turner by trade, I was the 4th female apprentice in my Company and then went on to do my Degree in Engineering. I worked for a Brake Manufacturing Company and was in the tool room, I was the only girl. Sure it had some "HUGE" problems but all in all it was great. So yeah, I totally get where you are coming from there.

I think that is very brave and courageous of you to tell your parents and I hope that they receive the news well and can support you through this. They may be taken back at first but we can work through that when the time comes if you need some extra support, we are ALWAYS here for you Nik.

Back to your drama group, I am so happy to hear that you are apart of such a wonderful group of people and that they are like a huge family to you, that is so special and you will have that as apart of your life forever.

I am just wondering if you have brothers or sisters? You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Chat soon

Hugs hugs hugs

Sarah xx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I do have a sister. She's two years older than me and we fight alot. I tend to want to be alone, and she always wants to be with someone, so we don't get on, with me telling her to go away and her coming back a few minutes later to disrupt my piece. She thinks I hate her. I don't. I only hate myself.

I didn't realize you thought I was at school with him. I wish I were, because I'd get to see him more. I thought I mentioned that I only get to see him once a week. But maybe I didn't.

"You will have that as part of your life forever"

I won't. Firstly, the acting classes run to when you are 18 so eventually I'll have to leave. And he leaves after next year (he's staying on till his 19, he's allowed to). I originally thought he was going to leave at the end of this year, but he told me he wasn't so my anxiety calmed down a bit.

- Nik (a sad Nik, because they have to go to a blood test right now and they are really annoyed)

[Aaronsis]

Hi Nik

Ouch! I am not a fan of the blood test either, however, we have to do these things to ensure we are all good. Fingers crossed they can get the vein and not cause too much pain for you.

What I meant when I said "you will have this part of your life forever"..I meant you will have it in your heart and in your memories and you will treasure it as a time in your life that you loved, that made you happy, that is really special. I am happy to hear that you will have another year with your friend, I can hear how very much that has made you feel happy too.

Yeah I did think that when you referred to drama that it was a subject at school, not a class outside of school, all good tho, we got that sorted.

I was just wondering about if you had any siblings to see if you were infact close and had someone other than your parents to go to for some support maybe, but you have answered that question so I wont go there. Perhaps one day you might be close to her, I know things tend to change as we get older, so hopefully that is something that can come later on.

Are you going to Africa with your whole family?

I just wanted to talk to you about why you hate yourself? If you want to that is. I have only been chatting to you on here and I can already see how intelligent you are and so very self aware and I am hoping that you can see some of these great qualities in you too. I would like to help you see how great you are, if you want to talk about it that is.

All the best with your blood test, you might get a fancy band aid!

Hugs and more hugs

Sarah x

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I didn't even get a bandaid. I got a cotton ball and a piece of masking tape. And then I saw my blood and now I'm relapsing...

Of course I hate myself.

I'm stupid and ugly and fat and an idiot. Worthless, useless, loser, loner, waste of space, waste of time, rubbish, horrible, dumb, insane, broken, damaged, diseased, annoying, not worth life, alone, everything about me is to be hated.

Yeah, I'm going to Africa with my whole family.

- a miserable Nik because they can't stop thinking about seeing their own blood.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Nik,

We are sorry to hear that you’ve felt triggered by this experience. Please know that we care about your wellbeing and appreciate you reaching out here to continue to talk through your thoughts and feelings.
 
We’ve asked our Support Service to check in with you via email to make sure you have a plan to keep yourself safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
 
We would also strongly recommend giving our wonderful friends at Lifeline a call - 13 11 14, they can talk to you and help you through difficult moments.
 
We value you a part of our community and look forward to hearing how you’re going.