I made a big mistake...

[_Nik_]

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

[Aaronsis]

I am so sorry that those are the words you use when you think of you, I am kind of glad that you wrote it all down here and that you can get it out of you. The combination of seeing your own blood and the feeling of hating yourself I am not surprised you are feeling really miserable. It was most certainly not my intention to open up a can of hate on you I just hoped that you might want to talk about it so that you can see perhaps what others see in you. Although I cannot see you, I most definitely know you are not worthless, you are no idiot and you are not stupid or a waste of space. From chatting here I see a wonderful person who is finding their way in the world, who is trying really hard to manage the challenges that life is throwing at them and who is in need of a really big hug, for someone to tell them that they do matter and that they are loved and that their friendship matters. As far as the broken and damaged part, I challenge you to show me someone who does not have some damage, it is human and it is how we learn and how we become who we are. We get a little bit broken and it is how we put ourselves back together, the integrity we show and the courage we use to do that. You have been going through a rough time and you continue to show up every day and continue to show up to life and that is so brave and I am very proud of you.

I would like you to look at the picture with the quote that you have as your profile pic, you are strong and you are making your way through this life as you can manage it and you are managing it.

I think you are so much wiser that your years and I forget sometimes I am talking with a 15 yo.

I would give you the biggest bucket of self love if I had it to hand out, I would love for you to see how I see you. Is this something you want to work on, I can help if you want to talk about that too, but only if you want to as I don't want to start with that if you really don't want to hear it.

Can I ask you what freaks you out about seeing your blood? Is it that it has left your body and it leaves you feeling vulnerable, it is just the sight of it makes you feel queezy? Once again, only answer if you want to. I am just worried that it has left you feeling angry and annoyed, and at yourself and I am not sure why.

You are amazing Nik....really you are...I am not just saying that as I have no need to. The way you converse and think, it is so beyond your years, that is a real credit to you.

Hugs hugs hugs

Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Thank you.

Sure. You can help with my self love (although there is none present) there really has never been any self love for my self. I give all my self love to others for I feel no need to give it to myself. And yet, I do not receive enough love from others to keep my love supply up. I say that making other people happy makes me happy.

Also, I think you misunderstood the blood part. I almost relapsed today back to my old habits.

Hence why I am angry at myself. I deserve it.

I know I do not think normally it's just another one of my flaws.

-Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hi Nik

I am sorry that the blood test today made you consider (?) habits of old, I wondered if that is what you were meaning but did not want to assume, nor create another trigger for you, so I thought perhaps just the sight of it and seeing it may have just made you upset. I know you have said before that you do not want to talk about the self harming but I am here if you want to, there are some things that perhaps you can try , if you in fact have not already.

With the self love things, I am wondering if you would think about starting a book or a journal. This book is a place of happiness and a place of beauty and you build it over time. It may be really hard to start with and you might feel really awkward and even a bit silly, but in time if you keep at it it can become a place where you get some strength when you are feeling like you were today. It would be good to start to write the things that you are good at or that you like about yourself or even nice things other people have said to you or about you. The rule is for this book that it is only positive. If you want to have another book that you dump the yukky stuff in that is a great idea but this is your happy place book. Seeing that you are a creative person you may write a poem or you might draw a picture or just put colours that you like on there. Then some words, even if to start with you can only write one thing, it is a start. It might be "you have really bright eyes"..it might be "I can make people happy"...but it would be great if you can do it each day. You will have a collection of really nice pages that you can reflect on and start to appreciate you. In time we will do some other stuff but if you can start with that, it would be wonderful. What do you think? Cheesy or worth it?

I am so sorry about today and that the test brought back old habits, I hope you can stay safe and I more than anything hope you can use the tools you have to reach out if you are not safe, Sophie_M has given you some things too. We are here and we care and want you to stay with us and stay safe.

I am not sure what thinking normally is these days, do any of us ...and who knows what people think really, and to be honest, who cares. As long as you are happy with you that is what matters. You matter and I hope you can forgive yourself for today, you are worth it, be kind to you.

Hugs again

Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Why is it important to be kind to myself?

Also, my friend (the male one) told me to do the book of good things because I keep a book of horrible things about Myself and he hated it, but when I tried to keep a journal of good things I failed and ended up scribbling all over it because I got mad that the only good thing that had happened was that a ladybug landed on me.

Anyway, I'm probably annoying you and you probably only reply because you think you need to.

- Nik

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

Great to chat to you again. I have been away this weekend, we went to Sydney to my brother's uni to plant a tree in memory of him. It was so very emotional and I just wished he had of known how loved and how much he touched people's hearts. There were so many of his friends there, it was so beautiful.

That is really great to hear that your friend also suggested to you to write a book about the positives in your life, as I said, it will not be easy, and it will seem weird. Just because you tried once and ended up scribbling on it that does not mean you cannot try again. We fail at stuff all the time, that is life and we would not be human if we didn't. You can start again, and like I said, even if you can only find one thing to start with it is still one thing. I can give you one " I am so very caring in the way I treat my friends"....I love that a ladybug landed on you...how special..that has never happened to me and I would love for it to.

Let me say with every ounce that I am .....I am not here talking to you as I feel I have to ....because guess what..I don't have to ...I am not paid by Beyond Blue, I am under NO obligation to be here at all. I am here because I want to be a positive in your life, to help you see how wonderful you are, why should you love you??? because you are so damn worth it, I have learnt so much from you and you don't even know that....imagine all the people who are also reading these posts who don't have the courage that you do at the moment to post, but get strength from what you talk about here...so to answer you...I will be here every day, every year and until I am no longer able to type, that is how passionate I am about making a difference, to help saving a life that is so precious..I will be here with you all through the night if you asked me to, to make you feel safe...I care.

Hugs til you are squashed..

Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Thank you.

There's a few things I want to talk about.

Just a few moments ago I was shopping with my mum and my sister for Christmas and I saw this young boy holding his little sisters hand, while his father pushed him. And it killed me.

You keep saying you learnt so much from me. I seriously doubt it.

"Imagine all the people who are also reading these posts, who don't have the courage to post"

What people? There isn't any that would care about my problems and find them helpful. I'm a helpless case.

- Nik (whom feels very squashed from your hugs)

[Aaronsis]

Hey Nik

I am so sorry you had to see that man pushing his son, seeing that sort of thing hurts me too, this is the problem with being an empath, you feel for everyone and when someone is hurting, you hurt too, when you see someone being mistreated it rips you up inside. The thing is that we are not able to change every human, all we can do is be the best version of us and encourage and try to model good behavior and hope others follow, don't get me wrong, sometimes I have said comments to mothers in the shops who are screaming at their children calling them names, however it is more from a place of support. See, I get it, to be so very frustrated at your small child who is crying and wont listen and wont cooperate. We don't know what has happened in that mum's life today, her father has passed and she is trying to get groceries for her mother....we just don't know what situation people are in and why she is pushed to the limit to scream at her child. Is is right?? no but this just might be a one off situation and that dad today may have been at his wits end too, we have to try to consider his life and try to support and not judge and not assume this is the way this little boy gets treated every day. Does it hurt any less to see that ..no..but we have to consider that man too.

When I said about all the people reading our posts I am referring to all the people of Australia who read this open forum, to gain an insight into their own lives, to understand that they are not the only ones suffering, that there are other 15 year olds out there too who are feeling like you are and are reading our every word to see that they are not alone, that there are other people who feel just like them and who gain support and comfort knowing how you are managing and how you are living your life. I am sure you read a few posts before you decided to write your own, I know I did.

Now ..what have I learnt from Nik:

1. That 15 year olds are not children anymore.

2. That they have so very much emotional intelligence.

3. That what I faced at 15 is nothing compared to what teens of today are faced with.

4. How bad the struggle is to fit in.....and...

5. How mature they are for 15 young years on this Earth...

That is only 5...I will give you some more as we go..here is something else for your book " I have a huge heart that genuinely cares for others".

I am thrilled you are squashed by hugs so here are some more xoxoxoxoxo

Chat soon my friend .Sarah xx

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Firstly, I am doing the book. But I can't find the words myself, so each time you write another thing I'll add that in. Each page has a colour of the rainbow assigned to it and the only words allowed are the good things others say about me. Nothing I say about myself.

Secondly, you do realize xoxo is hugs and kisses.

-Nik (I know I'm an empath. I figured it out a year ago)

[Aaronsis]

Hi Nik

Fistly, woohoooo...I am so happy to read that you are going to give the book another shot...YASSSSSSSS..that is the best thing that has happened to me today to read those words.....awesome!

Lol, I do know xoxo is hugs and kisses, sorry to creep you out...

Here is something for you :

"I have a really great sense of humor"

I really like the idea that you have all different colours in there too, that is really great. Can you draw? I am hopeless at it but I really wish that I was good at it.

OK Christmas decoration time...sigh

one little hug (lol)

Sarah

[_Nik_]

Hey,

You made me smile. I needed that.

I can't draw. I've been trying to and the best comment I got was yesterday from my little cousins, she's about 8 and she said " you're a good drawer". I'm not tho. I paint. At least I try to, and I'm not that great at it, but I make friendship bracelets and my friend (the male one) has three from me. I don't think he wears them tho. He used to. But maybe he doesn't want to. I'm working on a painting of a pond. And yes, I painted it on a piece of foam, but I'm weird like that.

My room literally has craft stuff left, right and centre, because I'm always making stuff when I bored. I paint at the moment and youtube painters to inspire me, but I'm rubbish at art.

Since I'm going to Africa, it's more like "time to take down the Christmas tree"

Do I really have a good sense of humour? That doesn't sound like me at all.

if it's true I'll add it as yellow (its in the order of a rainbow so I've almost finished red and orange.)

- Nik (drowning in their art supplies)