I just feel like i have no chance..

HamSolo01 · ‎17-04-2017

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

BballJ · ‎17-04-2017

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry to read what you are going through.

My first question is have you seen a psychologist before, I saw your comment about being in a hospital before, was that due to the mental health? What actually happened if you don't mind me asking.

I understand what you are saying about people seeing looks and not seeing what is on the inside, I guess it's why they say a smile hides all your actual emotions. It sounds like you may be showing the signs of depression and what not when you meet these people, unfortunately along with that many people don't understand it, so see it as a weakness in a person. Do you go out much with friends or anything?

I know you said it feels a bit better to say it here, that's what these forums are for, venting and getting things off your chest so feel free to do it as much as you want.

My best for you,

Jay

HamSolo01 · ‎17-04-2017

Yep ive seen a psychologist before. Ive seen a few. See one atm. I see a psychiatrist too.

I was in hospital for suicidal thiughts. I had to be the one to check me in.

I hate the world

Quercus · ‎18-04-2017

Hi HamSolo01,

I just saw your other thread and commented but wanted to finish what I wrote to you here too...

What have you got in place to manage your anxiety? I know I said something similar on your other thread but it's important. In my experience it can be difficult to start a relationship if your confidence is shattered and you are unhappy in yourself. So my suggestion is take care of yourself first. If that involves seeking help from your GP, psychologist or psychiatrist it is worth it.

You mentioned worrying about wasting your youth. I can honestly say now at 32 I regret spending so much of my youth ruled by untreated depression and anxiety and not asking for help. I hope you can get the help you need now.

What do you enjoy doing? I have always found that people are most interested in me when I'm just doing what I love and am passionate about. For me that's gardening. What do you love to do? Is there a way you could share what you enjoy in a way you might meet people you can talk to? Common interests are an easy way to start a conversation I think.

Anyway I have to sleep so I can work tomorrow but I hope to hear more of your story when you're able.

Take care and I am hopeful for you even if you can't feel hope for yourself right now 😊

Wolf8619 · ‎18-04-2017

hi HamSolo01

I understand where you are coming from i'm in the same boat as you "As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing".

my psychologist diagnosed me with conditioning and trauma, I am not sure if you feel the same things i did but i was thinking negatively of myself no self confidence mentally beating myself up etc I was thinking what women wants me I felt useless, I bet you are a wonderful guy to talk to have dreams you want to follow and places to go follow your heart do whats right for you what makes you happy.

For Unwanted thoughts I decided to identify what was causing those thoughts and it was memories of bad experiences I have anxiety like you and i am also aggressive because i was bullied a lot and having a learning disability, i did not have have a safe method of defending myself so i relied on my share aggression and emotions to keep me safe so I identified the anxiety as the child version of me being frighten, nervous and scared for the Aggression i Identified that as the Hulk version of myself.

Now because i had identified the the problem and the 2 emotions that problem set off as both of them played of each other, My psychologist then taught me to be able to stand back and look at my emotions anxiety and aggression as if they were standing before me now that i see them I had the ability to use my commonsense and logic to control my emotions, I told both of them or me in a sense is how im feeling work for me no it is not it takes practice to be able to do it.

The mind is very powerful and you can win against how your feeling to make you feel happier help you feel like you have a purpose be gentle with yourself as i said before I bet your a fantastic guy, Compassionate and caring etc and its those qualities are what women are after 90% of women generally don't worry about looks or whether you are a multimillionaire they care about who you are as a person, Im still looking for my soul mate too so i understand where you are coming from so think positive as your a wonderful guy with outstanding qualities that women love and when you get negative thoughts confront them be gentle and say hey you guys don't work for me take a back seat please.

HamSolo01 · ‎18-04-2017

Quercus - I think you might be on to something there. I need to look at myself better, far better than what I do atm. The problem is I don't know what I love or enjoy. I always get stumped when asked that question... it's weird.

Wolf8619 - You could be on to something too. Standing aside and just observing the emotions and depressed feelings is something I think I need to do more of. It's easier said than done though. The notion of a "soulmate" is one I don't agree with though, because literally anyone could be your "soulmate" if you feel that way. But I do agree with you in regards to compassion and care being qualities girls like. Thing is though.. nice guys finish last. It sucks but it's true...

Anyways, thanks 🙂

Quercus · ‎18-04-2017

Hi HamSolo01,

I'm glad you replied. If you don't know what you love or enjoy maybe that can be your goal for now. To take care of yourself and try new things just for your enjoyment.

If you can't find enjoyment in anything I really think you need to have a chat to your psychiatrist about your treatment. Maybe the meds need a review or you could try a new therapy.

I'll share my story in the hope it helps you...when I was at uni I was a mess. The idea of trying new things and going to new places and crowds was overwhelming. So I took small steps. I started reconnecting with friends. Went out socially with friends I trusted. A cafe. The library. The beach. For a walk. Friend's houses. Had friends over to watch dvds. I didn't deal well with clubs etc so we went to a quiet pub. Went on rural roadtrips. Small gatherings of friends. As I got more comfortable I met friends of friends. Went to quiz nights. Tried some of my friends hobbies.

The key was accepting that there is nothing wrong with doing things slowly and needing to feel comfortable before I could take a risk. The other was accepting that I am worth taking care of (I still struggle with this) that I need to work on being confident in myself.

I met my husband on the internet. My friends said it was dangerous. I was so guarded of myself I told him I wasn't interested in (and couldn't deal with) meeting a stranger so he would have to be patient or not to bother at all. We wrote about every topic over months. I was brutally honest about everything. I wanted someone to want me for myself. And he was patient. Eventually we met and it was surprisingly easy because he wasn't a stranger he was my friend.

I'm familiar with that worry about being alone and 'left on the scrap heap'. You are young and you'll meet someone. But right now my advice is focus on you. Focus on being comfortable in your own skin and finding your passions. Enjoy your friends. Take care of yourself first.

Sorry for the saga I'm in a weird mood today. Hope to hear you are feeling better soon 😊

HamSolo01 · ‎18-04-2017

Generally you are right. This year I have tried to do that, but I've found myself withdrawing more than I have ever done. I guess I'm just sick of feeling this way. I like what you said about accepting that taking things slowly is okay, being comfortable before taking risks. The whole "I'm young and I'll meet someone" seems like such a throw away (no offense) because I still feel like it's too late. I'm trying to concentrate on graduation so that I can get out of the university environment because I feel like that's a source of my problems.. It takes forever to achieve very little. I feel like 4 years is too long. I spoke to a good friend about this and she was saying that it's likely I'll still have to deal with problems. Which I think is accurate, but at least it's a new set of problems. Graduate roles creep me out too I've begun to realise, it's like my world has just changed in the space of 3 months. I no longer have interest in what I study... I'm just doing it to graduate. That's it. It's really dark actually. I thought this stuff was my passion and my interest but I'm beginning to realise it may not be... Nothing worse than having shit happen and it throws you off your mark. The line of work/study I'm in pretty much requires me to stick my neck out and that's something I simply can not do at this point...
Anyway I'm moping on now.
Thanks for listening 🙂

BballJ · ‎18-04-2017

Hi HamSolo01,

The amount of people who spend 3, 4, 5 + years studying in a certain field and then never ever get a job in that field is quite high I reckon. Just because you have studied it, doesn't mean you are locked into that career. The good thing is, having that degree always gives you something to fall back on and that should be viewed as positive. I know the whole "you're young, you'll meet someone" may seem like a little cop out but I do believe it is true, I know many people going into their 30's who are still single. You never ever know when you'll meet the one either.

Vent as much as you like as well, if it makes you feel better then that's what these forums are for.

My best,

Jay

Quercus · ‎18-04-2017

Hi HamSolo01,

I'm sorry if I offended you with my comment about being young. It wasn't intended to belittle how you're feeling. I just remembered being your age and feeling like I was wasting my life away at uni and watching everyone else have fun and enjoy life. But in hindsight 9 years later I wish I'd worried less and focused on my own health instead. I suppose if I didn't have a stable relationship I'd feel different though so I apologise.

I stayed in my degree and finished it although it wasn't the field for me too. A lot of employers just care that you have a relevant degree so please don't think your hard work is for nothing. I think I keep coming back to focus on yourself. What do you want to do? While you're still at uni it might be worth going to the career counsellor to talk you through your options.

I have to head off to work but I'll talk more when I can. Take care of yourself.