I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[Ggrand]

Hello Jude,

Im just calling in to let you know I have listened to your post and will be back with a reply...I just didn’t want you to think I have forgotten you, because I certainly haven’t...Your anxiety is so much like mine..debilitating...We can try and see if we can come up with some strategies..I do care about you sweetheart and will be back later...

Love and hugs, dear Jude...💜💜🤗🤗🤗...

Grandy....

[Ggrand]

Hello Jude,

I think you are doing a really good job being pro active with your mental health and I can hear over the past couple of threads that your beginning to get a handle on it. Very well done..
My anxiety is as you’ve described,

Panic attacks are often started by unpleasant thoughts of fear..
The way I try to gain control of me and my thoughts is I first become aware of what’s happening and try to get it under control....I practice mindfulness so I can acknowledge my thoughts before they try to take over my emotions and behaviors before it gets bad...Please sweetheart believe me it works, hard to learn and you need to have patience and want to..

Some thing and the first thing I try is deep breathing...
I usually breath deeply in for a count of five, then out with a mantra..relax..I do this a number of times to try to slow my breathing down, if that doesn’t work, I use the finger hand technique I talked to you about earlier... I also like to look around me, find something, anything..a wall, look at it and see how many dirt marks are on it, the colour, the texture etc..or look at the people around you, their shoes, what type, colour, how many, is their pictures hanging on the wall, really study the picture, what’s it about, find everything you can in the picture, how many flowers, colours, what’s it about, are there trees birds etc...Mindfulness is well to me studying every detail about something to keep you in moment...
Also I have a few grounding boxes prepared, they are handbag size..I have things I like inside, some lollies, strong mint, some photos, something I play with, I have really soft rubbery toys as well as a fidget spinner, this keeps our hands and eyes busy...I have some music downloaded I have a Walkman, (not sure you remember them)..and a few of my favourite tapes with earphones...a grounding box keeps you 5 senses busy, ie..lollie is for taste...rubbery toy/ fidget spinner keeps busy your sight/touch..Walkman your hearing busy and also I have a Vick’s inhale stick, for my smell.....Not sure if I’ve helped at all. Please Jude keep talking here and we can try together to get you through this..
I have a thread titled..”Grounding what is it and how do we”..It goes into a more detailed explanation how to make some up and a big list of things that can be placed into one...I have a few, laying around my house, in my car and even outside in my yard..they have stopped a panic attack in its tracks a few times....

Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Jude..

Im just calling in to say hello,

Im concerned about you..No pressure at all to reply.

I just need to ask you RUOK?..

love and hugs..💜🤗.

Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hello Jude,

Thankyou for posting on mine, I’m really so pleased to here from you....How are you feeling sweety, no pressure....

Grandy

[HeyJude]

Hello sweet Grandy - you are one of the most caring people I know. To reach out to a stranger so selflessly. Anyone would be so lucky to have you in their lives. If they don't appreciate you they are blind. I sure would and do.

I have been trying hard to be more active and productive. I have been so busy looking after the house to sell it and my husband. I have done my upmost to go into every situation with a positive attitude. But it always seems to backfire and I fail my goals. Usually something goes very wrong.

My best friend is very depressed and I have been caring towards here but she is sometimes cold in return. My husband is depressed too because we lost our new home and deposit because we can't sell our current property, and he is very sick still . All my dreams broken. Faith crushed. I can't see the point anymore.

My daughter had trouble with her abusive and violent ex - but is now taking out an AVO against him. She has managed to keep down a well paid full time job, so that part is positive. But my own personal life is a mess. I feel I am losing everyone and everything and been abandoned by all. If not for my daughter and husband I would not be here. No one would care. That is how I am feeling.

I don't think there is more I can do than I am doing now. I wish I could live and enjoy life but it keeps pushing me down every time I stumble up. I am tired and hurting so bad...dying inside. I am just not good enough. I have failed, am a failure. Am despairing

I did had one good day last Thursday and wrote a short story on a popular site. It was a hit! 6.7 thousand views and rising. So apparently I can write. It did make me feel good that people enjoyed what I wrote. I felt something. I would like to write more and a novel one day, but my life stressors and deep hurts robs me of it again.

I often read help sites on depression and suicidal thoughts stating that when like that we should ring or talk to someone we can trust. What happens when we have no one to do that with? When we are totally alone in that way? So often other well meaning organisations assume everyone has a trusted supporter and someone that cares. I don't and reading it is like having salt rubbed in the wound. People don't want to hear my troubles. When I tried to talk to my friend about it she thinks I am being cold??? So I have to wear a fake smile to keep people in my life. I tire of it. I tire of all the sadness within. I just wish I could sleep forever. Thank you for caring x 🌹

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Jude,

Thank you very much for your kind words...You too are a beautiful caring person...Please don’t ever forget that💕..

Im really sorry that things are going so wrong for you..I’m wondering how many things are also going right for you..Please try to think on what has gone right and focus on those positives....Positives are lovingly caring for your sick husband..that’s pure gold sweety...looking after the house...keeping busy...writing stories that people enjoy reading....I have a creative writing thread on here, if you feel up to writing short stories, the others here love reading them for Mindfullness, your stories may help people here and it would be a form of distraction for you as well...

Im so very happy that you have a daughter and husband that both love you and you love them, because they are your reason not to....Family is so important to have Jude and a loving family like yours is really the best thing in this world...

Awe Jude no way are you a failure, please don’t think that, poor sweetheart, I understand so much the tiredness and hurt..That’s your depression doing that to you..I wish I could take it all away from you...When you start thinking like that sweety, it drags you down more, could you maybe take your mind of those thoughts by writing or doing something else you like doing..Our minds can only have on thought at one time, by doing something you like it takes those negative thoughts away from you for a while....

Im so pleased last Thursday was a good day..when the good days come embracevthem and enjoy them as much as you can...6.7 thousand views wow..it must be a nice story...I’m proud of you for doing that...

I have no one I can talk to, I ring the mental health helpline, they know me now and will talk to me about my concerns about what’s happening to me...I have one friend here, she knows I’m depressed and that’s all...I hide mine well when she comes to mine..She doesn’t understand that I cannot just walk out my front door unless I battle myself to do so...Most people don’t know how to help us and if they are depressed they are probably in their own head and can’t help us....Please Jude believe in yourself that you can get better, this is a phase and it will pass...It passed on Thursday for you and will again hopefully for longer periods of time...embracevthe good days sweety and accept the down days without judging yourself..Please be kind and compassionate to you also..

Love and hugs dear friend.

Grandy.

[HeyJude]

Thank you for your beautiful post. I needed to read it so bad, my family is not the only reason I have not ended it, you are also helping me.

I am in a real dark pit. I did get up being more positive this morning. My husband then proceeded to attack me negatively - I am not judging me, everyone else is around me. Their negativity is pushing me further down. My husband said he has lost his faith and proceeded to blame me. It is really bad Grandy. He started crying blaming me for the situation with the house etc, everything. And I believe him. It must be my fault. I was trying to stay upbeat saying it will sell and we won't lose our home. But he won't have a bar of it. And saids I am out of reality. So even when I try and remain positive, I lose.

Our agents have been crossing the line with us aggressively since we put the house on the market and has worn him down. I think his illnesses are too. And he is blaming me for it all. We did complain to their office - but I can't do anything right my friend. And I am losing my faith as a result in everything. To top it off I was also told today my daughter is moving away for work. The despair is overwhelming me . I have hit that black hole and it is all consuming presently, so just with your act of kindness being here is a light for me.

I have been a caring person - so I can't understand why good things can't happen. Why am I being punished? It must be my fault. Nothing else makes sense. I am so scared.

I like the sound of the creative writing space you have here. Today I can't focus, but when I have a better day I will read it and try and contribute.

I like the sound of the professional help you are getting. Amazing seeing you live in a rural area. I can't find any help. But will continue to try as I need a social worker. I understand not being able to walk out the door - I have trouble to. I hope this is just the depression talking - I have tried my best lately and everything seems to be getting worse. I am so confused. Does it ever end.

I have to reach some sort of acceptance once the distress, trauma and grief has past. But I think the only thing that's has kept me going, my faith, has abandoned me. I feel abandoned. So I figure that is my fault. My faith in goodness is shattered. Thank you for being there in the dark with me - you are a brave and beautiful person. Better than me and you will make it. Please don't forget me when you get there. I didn't want it to be like this. My intentions are always good.

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Jude,

Thats so not fair how your husband is treating you...Sweety it’s not your fault..You have no control as to when your house sells, please don’t believe what your husband has said....I feel he is frustrated and worried about loosing your home and because he has no control over it and your their he is blaming you...It’s not your fault at all...

Having our children a long from us is hard to deal with, I’m not good at dealing with that situation with myself..it sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter, theirs Skype, and phone calls, I know not the same but keeping in contact is so important...

I still ask myself why I had to suffer so much abuse and heartache my entire life when all I wanted to do was love and care for people...I thought the same that it must be me, I’m a bad person and deserved everything I got. I still believe that, but I’m trying not to....It really isn’t your fault and you have done nothing wrong, you have to try to believe that..I’m trying and it does help...You have to believe in you so your self esteem start rising.. getting to know you I can see that you are such a caring and beautiful person..but it’s hard for you to see that...

I am lucky now, it took over 12  months of zero help, I wanted out of this life and wanted to leave, a lovely caring lady at mental help helpline talked me down, then I was hospitalised for nearly 6 weeks, then all of a sudden help became available....I am grateful for that lovely lady...

Keep your faith and hope beautiful, things will get better, it hasn’t been this bad always and it won’t be, things change constantly, believe in your beautiful heart that this will pass...I will not abandon you, I’ll be here  as often as I can be for you, but at times I’m unable to help me and may be late in a reply..but I’m always checking in on your thread, to see how your going..

I don’t think I’m brave, I run from everything...that’s my very first thought when I feel trapped or scared...Oh honey I’ll never forget or leave you..friends don’t do that to each other...I’m not going anywhere, I’m hanging around the forums, I love talking to and trying to help people, I just hope people here don’t get tired of me,,,without here I doubt I would be..I owe BB and the amazing people here that helped and are helping me so very much...

Much love and warm squishy caring hugs, lovely friend..

Grandy..

[HeyJude]

Hi Grandy - I am also grateful to that lovely mental health lady for her compassion in saving you. Thank goodness. You are so very special, an inspiration and through that lady saving you, you are saving us. A chain reaction of kindness that makes such a difference in the world for the better. Thank you for your compassion Grandy. And thank you to Beyond Blue for creating a safe, moderated environment where we can reach out for support. That is not the case with all mental health forums in Australia I have experienced. They are doing a wonderful job.

Myself and husband sought legal advice re the aggressive agents we were contracted with. The stress is causing my husband's physical health to decline and my mental health. Also the market is not meeting our expectations to resettle elsewhere. So we were advised to terminate the contract and revisit it later on. So we have and it's been an enormous weight lifted although we were warned they would get nasty. Somhopefulky they will honou it, legally they are obliged but they haven't being following the rule book so far so we will see. Again we had been honest all the way through and kept our part of the agreement. Why are people so cold and ruthless? It always backfires on them in the end.

The adverse effects to my mental health through this has been enormous. I am sure though that I am not the only one who has met with such injustices. But I am wondering when we will get a break from these enormous stressors that life keeps throwing at us continually.

My friend is still cold towards me. She is being okay to my face but not when my back is turned. She has been cold before but not like this. I have been there for her every step of the way since her husband passed. She has disowned her brother too for no good reason. And states she could not live with her children who have been good to her. So apparently I am not the only one she is treating this way. I am remaining warm and kind sending messages wishing her well - it's all I can do. But her treatment of me has effected my mental health adversely as well as lowering my feelings of worth. I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. Not sure if I should continue to chase her with friendly messages or just back off completely. What would you do? Always open to feedback and advice.

I will take your advice and do my best to keep faith. I am so grateful for your support. How are you going? Sending a warm hug and kind thoughts your way xxxx 🤗💞

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Jude,

Thank you for your very kind words to me, they mean so much to me, knowing that you care...

Im sorry I didn’t reply earlier, I’ve not been in the best headspace lately and yesrday was a sad day for me..I just woke up that way..today I’m a little better...

Im pleased that you have sorted that aggressive agent out. Their is no need what so ever for rudeness or aggressive behaviour at all, I’m fairly certain you are right in saying you not the only ones that your agent has done this too, well done for reporting him/her....I had to take my home off the market once because it hadn’t sold for over 12 months, that was years ago, but I remember the agent saying to take it off for a few months and it will be listed as a new listing..it worked and the house sold with a month after the relisting.

I’m sorry your friend is still being cold towards you, that’s so not what friends do..She doesn’t sound like a nice person or a nice supportive friend to you...Jude honey, you asked what I would do, if it was my friend....I would step back now..you have been super nice to her and sending her kind supportive msgs, which shows you still care about her, but she is dragging you down honey, That’s not friends do...maybe step back and not send anymore msgs, if she cares about you, Jude honestly sweetheart, you do not need toxic people in your life, you’re doing it so hard caring for your sick husband and your own mental health without her coldness toward you, dragging you down...you don’t deserve that at all, expecially when you are so kind and caring towards her...I think just step back and see what happens Lovely lady...

Thank you for keeping your faith, things will change, they are changing every sec of the day, your a strong and beautiful woman Jude doing it so hard...I believe in you sweetheart and I believe that this is a very hard phase your going through, and it will pass...

Lovecand warm hugs dear lovely Jude..💙💙🤗🤗,

Grandy