I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

HeyJude · ‎03-05-2018

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

HeyJude · ‎05-05-2018

Thank you for the inspiring post therising - I can feel your inner strength. I do think taking back to those thoughts helps and something I am battling with at the moment. The group you are in sounds like a very positive environment - I do find it hard to open up in face to face groups but I do need encouragement as my inner zest is gone for now. That's the worse part of it - it's like I am breathing but not existing. I haven't always been like this and I know the difference and miss living. It's frightening as I feel I have hit a brick wall and can feel nothing. Please do keep me in your prayers. Thank you

HeyJude · ‎05-05-2018

Thank you Sad and alone for your ongoing support. It is true what you are saying - connecting with others and the kindness you and others are showing is keeping me going at the moment. More than you know. Thanks for being there

HeyJude · ‎05-05-2018

I felt a pang straight to the heart when I read your story Cornerstone. Being deserted in your darkest moment - but you made it through regardless. What strength! My husband is a cancer survivor and I nursed him through for quite a few years. I have one friend whose husband is presently dying of cancer - he was only diagnosed a few months ago with stage 4 cancer. Ofcourse I would not burden them with my current state of being as they have enough on their plate at the moment and I need to somehow be there for them - your post was what I needed to read as a reminder. Although my depression is an accumulation of trauma, grief, hurts and abuses over many years, this has triggered me. But I need to rise above this to be there for them. I am scared I will let them down. I will take a look at the CBT author you mentioned - sounds like this therapy is helping many. It gives me hope. Thank you

HeyJude · ‎05-05-2018

Hi stormcloudz- thank you for thinking of me. I am still feeling depleted, lifeless and overwhelmed, but the understanding and support of this wonderful community is helping me feel not so alone which eases the struggle. Just wish I could wake up feeling motivated and able to look forward to the day instead of fearing it having to push myself every second of it. Would like to feel some peace and happiness again - I am worried I will never feel that again

Lici · ‎06-05-2018

Hi Jude,

I'm sorry to read how difficult things are for you. I completely understand the black hole you're talking about though, I've been there many times myself.

If you're interested to know what CBT involves and the theory behind it, I've written an explanation in my thread titled My PTSD story. Please don't feel you have to read my story at the top, just scroll down to the CBT post. I discuss my experience with cbt plus the theory behind it that I've learnt in my psychology studies so far.

You're right when you say that if you can get through this you can get through anything, and you will get through this! And when you do you come out the other side a stronger, wiser and more resilient version of yourself that can take on anything that's thrown at you.

I hope things go well with your gp. And no need to thank me, it's my honour and pleasure to be here for you 🙂

I hope today is better for you.

Kind regards,

Lici

stormcloudz · ‎06-05-2018

HeyJude

I have confidence that you will recover and find your feet again. Sometimes a crisis like this finally allows us to get the support we need after many years of being the 'carer' and nurturer. When I finally crashed after years of doing the same, I realised that I had not been OK all that time - my own challenges had been obscured by the greater issues at the time. Like you, I had a trigger that tripped me up and slowed me down. I'm now working through all the underlying anxiety and coping mechanisms that I had developed. An accumulation of griefs, traumas and hurts doesn't disappear overnight, but learning new ways of dealing with things can be like letting a little sunshine in 🙂

I agree, it's definitely time to get some additional support for yourself, even if you have always battled on. Your idea of speaking to the GP is a good one, given they can generally provide access to counselling, medication etc, whatever is best for you. You may have already found (like me) that some GPs are more informed than other. You could test yours out, and see whether they are able to provide good advice. Meditation can also help - there is a heap of free stuff on youtube (may not work when you are panicking - try slow breathing for that).

We understand the anxiety and fear you are feeling, and honour you for your courage in putting one foot in front of the other each day.

Lici · ‎06-05-2018

Hi stormcloudz,

I hope you don't mind, I just read your post and wanted to add on to it a little in regards to gps

You said "You may have already found (like me) that some GPs are more informed than other." I've had this experience with gps too and recently found one that's listed as a level 2 mental health practitioner. I didn't even know that was a thing these days!

Anyway the point I wanted to get to is that I've found that a lot of gp surgeries have websites these days (at least around my area) and they've started to list what each gp specialises in apart from general practice. Mine listed mental health practitioner as well as other things. I'm wondering if others may find that the gp surgeries in their area do the same thing? It might make finding a gp that understands mental health so much easier!

Anyway, sorry for butting in!

I hope you all have a great day 🙂

Lici

chrissy1 · ‎07-05-2018

Hi HeyJude

how is it going? I do hope ur feeling okay. Just letting u know ur not alone. One day at a time. Sending prayers.

take care x

chrissy1

therising · ‎08-05-2018

Hi HeyJude

I hear what you're saying about the lack of motivation. It's great when your motive for doing things is stronger than the negative chemistry swishing around in your brain; when it isn't, it can feel like you're just going through the motions each day.

Definitely helps if you can find someone who's going to push you (at your request); they act a bit like a surrogate for that part of the brain that's lacking a bit of oomph. This person won't take over your life, just help guide you through the dark phases. It's a bit like having someone hold your hand, mentally. Can be a family member, good friend, psychiatrist or even in the form of a positive group of people.

This is a little outside the square (well, a lot actually) but some shopping centres have walking clubs/groups where people get together. I imagine they are fairly welcoming folk and up for a bit of a chat. It's a way to connect and get the blood pumping at the same time. These groups have people join for a variety of reasons such as physical well being, mental well being (combat loneliness and mental illness) and/or spiritual well being (making connections that remind us of our value in this world). Sometimes 'outside the square' is exactly where we need to go in order to begin changing our mind.

Been meaning to join a particular meditation group for some time now. I will take my own advice and make the connection today. Meeting new folk will be a little awkward at first (as I am shy) but I believe I will be feeling like one of the tribe pretty soon. They are such positive folk at this place, which is exactly what I'm after right now.

Take care

chrissy1 · ‎11-05-2018

To chrissy1

hello heyjude and the rising

need to vent. Firstly how are u both going. I’m not good in bed all day. What motivation I don’t have any, it’s gone has for sometime now. Really fed up. Don’t know where to turn any more. It sucks.would

love to hear from you thanks.

take care x

chrissy1