I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[HeyJude]

Hi chrissy1

This forum is so incredibly supportive - I am so glad now that I reached out. I am feeling so guilty for not getting out of bed today. Thank you for your support - it does make a difference to know that I am not alone. I am glad my thread has helped you somewhat too.

It is very hard to find words to explain - and that fear of being judged as weak usually keeps me silent. I am sorry to read that your daughter does not understand - it can make us feel more alone in it which is why this forum is so invaluable I feel.

I do have to get up and cook the evening meal which I am finding hard to do. I feel so low....yes, I can only look at one day at a time for now. I hope to get up tomorrow and move around abit. That's my goal for now....I hope I can help myself if this this Merry-go-round of pain, loneliness and fear soon. I wish that for us all. Thank you for being there

[HeyJude]

Thank you for your kind words of support Speak Your Truth. I am sorry you are also feeling zapped - I totally get it. It's a good thing we have each other. Now I must try and find the will to get out of bed and cook......Moment to moment - I feel so overwhelmed and just want to retreat - but the support here is helping

[Lici]

Hi Jude,

Sorry it's taken me a bit of time to reply, I've had a busy day!

I'm glad you'll consider the cbt, it really changed my way of thinking. I had suffered from depression since childhood and it wasn't until my 20s that I finally found a psychiatrist that introduced me to cbt and wasn't until my 30s that I found a psychologist who specialised in it. Now I'm studying it and can understand the mechanics behind it and why it works as well!

Your recent comment really spoke to me, especially when you said 'I so miss feeling alive and having the motivation to do things. I wish life would give me a chance.....time will tell. I will try and be stronger although I feel anything but now - I have been in the past. I have to find her again' I felt that way for such a long time, I'm not the person I was before mental illness and I can't really remember who that person was. One thing I will say though, I don't want to be that person anyone. Having this experience has made me stronger and more resilient and I hope you'll feel that way one day too. It can happen, I know it feels like you're in a dark hole with no way out (at least I did) but you can make it through to the other side. You're so much stronger than you think!

Kind thoughts,

Lici

[Speak Your Truth]

More hugs and smiles 🤗😄🤗😄🤗😄 Jude

[therising]

HeyJude

First I want to start by saying that I'm sending pretty intense positive vibes your way. I understand that may not help things but I just want you to know that we are now connected. Second, I believe it's so important to know (whilst someone's experiencing depression) YOU ARE NORMAL. There's nothing defective or damaged about those who are dealing with such a challenging state of mind. To feel down, angry, tired, fed up, perhaps a bit of a control freak or socially inadequate etc - that's normal as far as depression goes. What you also are is a warrior (perhaps a bit scarred and tired but a warrior nonetheless). I know I'm sounding all sappy 'n' stuff but I wish people said this to me on occasion.

Must say, the best thing I ever did in life was join a group of like-minded folk, guided by a counselor. Came to realise I was one pretty tough warrior, having lived with depression for 15 years or so. This was some time ago, when I came out of that depression, thanks to the group. Still have the occasional down periods but I've learned to ride the waves like a bit of a pro surfer. I have come to realise, during the down times which can get somewhat dark, my brain is messing with me. Have to tell myself stuff like 'Goddammit, you are giving me the sh#*ts brain, STOP IT!!!' - stuff like that. Nothing wrong with reprimanding your brain on occasion. Better than reprimanding yourself!

If you can, find a support group, it's the way to go - people who'll truly understand you, remind you of how amazing you are and people who will basically help you feel normal again. You're an obvious fighter HJ which is why you're still here. Join other fighters.

And yes, finding the right anti-depressant is like going on a search for the holy grail (does it actually exist). I know it sounds cliche but don't give up on experimenting with strategies which hold potential. Remember you're dealing with a complex mechanism (the human brain). It is, in part, what has powered the greatest folk in history - the world changers, so don't expect your solutions to be simple in taming such a super powerful thing.

I am a spirity chick nowadays, something which I cop a bit of flack for but I tell you, escaping depression brought me here. I would never give up what I have found because it pulled me out of that darkness - a process which was all a part of 'the rising' Always remember THIS, NOW, IS NOT THE REAL YOU. I pray you find your own rising. I pray you find yourself. Love to you HJ!

[Sad_and_alone]

Keep posting Heyjude, keep talking about your feelings. Just having someone share a kind word is sometimes enough to get you through the next hour or two. I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone.

[Cornerstone]

I feel your pain HeyJude! I have Breast cancer lost all who I thought was friends, they were too scare to face my potential mortality. I had more delivered flowers when give birth, and zero phone call/txt when I qhen thru surgery and chem.

life is whay it is: lucky i meet 2 new friends who accepts me.

i am too are one that ppl forgot about, friendly but never get included. What did learn recently is practicing MiCBT by Bruno A Cayoun - it really help, i can feel the incremental improvement in letting go of thought and accept things a little more comfortably. Still learning and coping

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude

Just checking in to see how you are doing this evening...

Don't feel guilty about being in bed for the day, at least not when talking to this forum : )

It's all about those baby steps when you are depressed - getting up and making the dinner should receive a parade and a medal!

I'm so glad you posted to share your story. Please post anytime

: )

[HeyJude]

Hi Lici,

It was good to read another post from you - sorry for the late reply but everything is a struggle at the moment. It really sounds like the CBT has changed your life - I feel inspired to try it. Will speak to my GP soon about it. It does seem like a dark hole I am in presently and hard to see a way out as nothing is coming naturally to me anymore - getting up is difficult and I don't cope well. So I am willing to try what I can to help myself as this pain gets a bit much at times. I wake up in a panic also every morning after having nightmares all night. If I can get through this, I would get through anything. Thank you for being there in my darkest moments

[HeyJude]

Warm hugs right back too you Speak Your Truth. Sometimes a hug saids everything 🤗