I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[james1]

Hey Emmy I read your full poem and commented in your own thread.

How'd you find the writing process? You might be different but I like being able to channel all my negative feelings into something creative which I can look at objectively without having to feel them.

[Emmy.]

I really enjoy writing poems - not sure if they're any good though hehe. Find it a good outlet as im not very articulate so poems help me get my thoughts across. I showed hubby but he didn't want to read it when he saw the first few lines thought it was too sad 😞

[james1]

Hey Emmy,

Yes, it helps me too to get my feelings across. I think it can be quite confronting for someone else, so I try to show snippets which are less confronting.

It was funny today. Someone was telling me about how my depression clouds everything in my world, so I showed them this snippet:

"And my nightmares ooze from their cages
To cover my world in tar."

Then they said it sounds like I'm feeling lost and frustrated that every glimmer of hope seems to get dashed, so I showed them this bit:

"Where is the light you promised would come?
Why must I hold on to dreams in my mind?
Ghosts which fade as soon as I look
Like stars that flicker but then disappear."

Clearly my friend was quite in tune with how I was feeling!

In terms of feedback, I liked Sherie's idea of a more upbeat ending, but by the same token, it's hard to write something when you don't feel it. And as you say, this is a way for us to express ourselves without...having to do that, haha.

But critique (very minimal. I did like it very much!)

-Sleep broken by my frightened screams - personally I prefer the rhythm if you drop the "my"

-Shapes shift and change to confuse my mind - i think it runs smoother if you drop the "and change"

But I wonder where your poem can go from here. From a storytelling perspective, I feel like your character ends it abruptly. In keeping with the penance theme - perhaps you could add something to describe the moments of respite which come as well. Moments which you can treasure.

Does that help?

James

[Emmy.]

Oh thanks for taking the time to give me those suggestions definitely flows better hey!

Wish I could write a happy ending but at the moment I just don't see it.

[james1]

I'm sorry to hear that Emmy. Well, here's a deal: poems are never finished and one day you will know what to write. But for now, we can let it be an excellent unfinished poem 🙂

Do you feel comfortable talking about what's troubling you at the moment? I saw some of your posts on the other threads...it sounds like a few things have been happening at home which haven't helped. I totally understand if now's a bit too soon, but happy to listen if not.

I'm having a little problem with motivation myself at the moment. Let me try to condense this.

My 4yrs relationship broke down at the end of May. 3 months on, I'm seeing my psychologist for things which I feel were the cause of the breakup and while I want to tell my ex this, I know she wants to be left alone for a while. Trouble is I'm alone because i can't talk to my parents and my friends are all out of Sydney, so I've broken down twice and had to call her. This waiting period is indefinite and my only motivation is that she'll want to meet up at some point just to talk. Yet each time I call, I feel like that hope gets dimmer and dimmer. Do you think there's a "right time" to say hi again? If you were in her position, would it even matter that the reasons why we broke up were basically the other person's mental illness (which you didn't know about at the time)?

Any opinions, informed or not, are welcome 🙂 Because my opinion is completely uninformed.

James

[Emmy.]

Deal - one day I'll finish it and have you critique it again 🙂

Just lots going on in my head all steam from things when I was younger. I think we have similar experiences with being criticised by our parents (well for me just my Mum) and I'm trying to work through that at the moment. Also I don't know if you read on my thread but between the ages of 16-18 these two (married) men that I worked with too advantage of being an abused me for a couple of years. I was young, naive (a virgin sorry if too much). They groomed me and then the abuse (sexual abuse) started. It made me sick and I still have so much hate and regret toward myself for the fact that this happened. I've only told one friend and my hubby so im trying to work through this with my psychologist and psychiatrist. So yeah it's all just getting a bit much.

I think it's great that you're working on yourself hun. Did you girlfriend notice signs of your mental health illness when you were together? Can I ask did it end amicably? I'd imagine so if you're still talking. If it were me I'd want to be there for you every step of the way. Did you push her away by any change? (Again only answer if it's not too hard). Perhaps would you consider reaching out via email or a letter? She can read it in her own time, let it sink in, reply when ready.

Here for you if you want to talk some more.

Great big hugs for you James. Emmy x

[Emmy.]

Hope I've not asked the wrong questions at all

[james1]

No, no, not the wrong questions at all. I had my second volunteering session tonight from 10pm-4am hence my late reply 🙂

yes, criticism from parents hurts the most and, especially when younger, can be so hard to ignore. I didn't see that about your late teens...that's horrible. I'm sure others have said, but the only people deserving of that hatred are the people that did that to you. Thank you for being open about it. I just want to let you know that knowing this does not make me think any less or differently of you. I still think youre a very caring, brave and intelligent person, and it looks like everyone else on these forums agrees. We all care deeply about you and we'll support you through good times and bad.

​no, she only ever saw me stressed sad or angry once or twice. I am very good at burying my emotions, a product of my upbringing, and I'm regretting it now because as far as she's aware, i just stopped being a good partner of my own accord rather than it being because I was so stressed/ depressed/ anxious. She knows now, but the spark is gone and while she's willing to help, I can tell she'd prefer I rely on other friends.

I did push her away. Basically I stopped showing affection, became dismissive with her, deprecating...Prioritised other things. But because I was functioning well on the surface, it not only would've felt bad for her, but there wouldn't have been any visible reason. I'm not proud of it but that's why I realised I had to get help with why I started doing those things, because I knew it was wrong and I hated myself for doing it even at the time. I can see now it has a lot to do with my BPD and the depression that started coming on.

She ended it well and we were both sad about how it turned out. I think she understands I do love and respect her, but that it got too hard to put up with me and that maybe we just werent good together, which could be true, but it feels like a lot if not all of it came down to my mental health issues which she doesn't understand, and now that we're split, she won't understand either.

So I'm wary of sending anything more. I keep wanting to, but I feel like the more I send her stuff, the less space I'm giving her. Its just such terrible timing with all my other stuff happening at the same time and not having anyone else in Sydney... Very alone in Australia's most populous city!

I dunno. Some days I wonder whether I'm looking for reconciliation or disappointment if that makes sense.

[blondguy]

Hey James, when you replied to my post a couple of days ago, it triggered something in my memory. Its probably not much help but I started to see my GP while I had the awful waiting periods of anticipatory anxiety to see my psychologist.

There are some GP's that have 'a focus' where mental health is concerned. I started to see my GP 'inbetween' my visits to my psychologist and once I knew he could even give me some basic reassurance I have been seeing him frequently since 1996

I hope some of that was of help to you James.

You have my total respect whether on or off the forums

Great work too 🙂

My Best....Paul

[james1]

Hey Paul,

Thanks for the advice. I need to go find a better gp in my area.

I have some shocking ones who just dole out prescriptions. One even suggested a skin cream and a dermatologist when I complained about a headache.

I've learned not to think too much about the future just to stabilise a bit, but the present is not too great either haha. And the past is a minefield. So I'm just trying not to think much at all which makes the psychologist session this Wednesday doubly scary!

But maybe in keeping with your advice, i can try to book in sessions with the work counselling service in my off weeks.

Thanks 🙂

James