I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[james1]

Thanks Geoff. My little tactic is to make sure I'm talking to people in my good/not so bad periods, so when things start plummetting, I have some positive memories to hold on to. And of course, making sure I post here helps because of the wonderful community we have.

Your words mean a lot to me.

Thank you

James

[Emmy.]

Hi James,

I found you 🙂

That poem you wrote is amazing. I use to enjoy writing myself but it has been along time since I've done any.

Sorry to hear about your recent break-up. How are you going with dealing with this?

Just read your time for the city to surf - that's an amazing time! You should feel so proud of yourself.

May I asked what border line personality disorder is? My psychiatrist mentioned it the other day in my first session. Forgotten now what it was in relation to. Too much to take in that day.

What you up to tonight?? Hopefully something fun. Emmy x

[james1]

Hey Emmy,

Sure did! 🙂 Thanks.

I'm...I don't know. The break-up is one of those things which I've been pushing to the side because it can wait while I deal with the personality disorder. The hardest thing is that she's the only one I connect to emotionally (even my psychologist has advised I keep a bit of distance from my family) and my other close friends are all out of Sydney. So I'm physically pretty isolated in Sydney right now. I feel like a lot of the reasons why we broke up was how I acted when I didn't know about my personality disorder (fear of abandonment, so emotionally cutting myself off), and knowing that ruined something which could've worked...well, it sucks!

Thanks for the compliment 🙂 I was really surprised myself, but during the race I just felt really good. All my emotions bottled into a run I guess, haha.

Hmm...I'd describe my Borderline Personality Disorder as...uncontrollable emotions, near-psychotic beliefs but being completely aware they're wrong, identity issues and of course the depression and anxiety that comes with that. It's called "borderline" because we have beliefs which just aren't real.

The two sections below were written as a way to describe parts of how I feel...and that's also what I'm doing tonight. Working on these, a few new ones, and some of the ones I posted in the Poetry Corner of the Social Board 🙂

I never got into writing poetry. I was always a short story, around 1000 words, person so poetry's new to me.

---

I hate these hands that build up walls
Against people I love, but afraid will see
The scales that line my chest and back,
The lion and tinman and scarecrow: the Me.

---

Shattered Smile

These lips tear open a gaping black hole;
it claws and crushes like a vice -
curved in a smile, and pinned by despair.

And crevices, cut and etched into stone
beside snake eyes that glitter with want;
reaching for your touch, a taste of fire,
but only devour my empty screams.

Stop.

Extinguish the light, and
Caress the cavity within.

[blondguy]

Hey James

I have just been reading through the last few posts.....You are more than entitled to be gentle to yourself James.

I noticed you sent your best on my other thread. Your advice and counsel is gold.

I remember my black days when all seemed lost and I couldnt function. I also remember you when you first posted on Beyond Blue. You should be very proud of how far you have come James.

'Let time pass' and be gentle to yourself.

your friend

Paul (Hugs)

[Emmy.]

You've inspired me to write a poem James. Here is the start of it ...

Struggling to exist in a world not made for me
Everyday my wish is to be set free
The demons have consumed my soul
They haunt my thoughts, they have full control

[james1]

Hey Paul, thanks for the very kind and sincere words. I'm glad to hear from you again. I try to be gentle to myself because I'm really my own harshest critic. It's when I start losing myself when things get a bit scary, but i just have to keep going to my psychologist. Haven't seen her in two weeks which might be why I'm regressing a bit.

hey Emmy very nice start 🙂 if I may, I'd like to pinch the image of demons having control over your thoughts. I've been trying to get somewhere with my section above on the scarecrow/tinman/lion, and i think it'd fit nicely in there about my own mental struggle with myself. Which I tried to describe was part of my BPD symptoms

[Emmy.]

Of course you can use it hun.

How did your volunteering go today - was thinking of you

[james1]

Really sunny day which was nice...but hot! Oh that was a tough start to the walk, straight up steep hills.

I was dreading the question: How are you?

I never know how to answer that to strangers any more. I used to be able to lie but...I can't seem to lie anymore, but telling the truth is really awkward as well.

Somehow, that question never came up! 😄

We didn't have to pick up too much rubbish, but after 15kms, my feet were pretty ready to stop moving. Don't know how the walkers are doing 100km...that's crazy. They're still walking right this very moment in the dark!

And you? From your thread, it doesn't sound like you had the best day. Have you watched any movies recently?

James

[Emmy.]

I'm glad you didn't have to ask the dreaded question.

I've been finding lately when I answer that questions by my friends I say "I'm good" (use to saying that out of habit) but then I say "actually no I'm not".... It's funny isn't it how we just so use to saying I'm fine, or I'm ok but we aren't be truthful to ourselves or our loved one.

Wrote a little more for poem im thinking it sounds silly though.

Struggling to exist in a world not made for me
Everyday my wish is to be set free
The demons have consumed my soul
They haunt my thoughts, have full control

The beauty of life fades away
Leaving only darkness, night and day
Darkness finds you in your dreams
Sleep broken to the sound of my screams

[Emmy.]

Changed last sentence to...

Sleep broken by my frightened screams