I don't know what to say

[james1]

Hello everyone,

I don't really know what to say.

I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.

You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.

I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.

I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark.

Steady drums

He cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,
Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,
Who condemn his long unrelenting fall
Into cold black dreams where his demons fly.

Day brings back the spindly claws
Of imps that crawl from beneath his bed;
they hook like leeches into all his flaws
and drink through fangs until they are fed.

Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow bold
And spin bloody chambers around his heart
Which beats like a drum dressed in gold,
Sold to the devil who will never depart.

The chambers burst and hellhounds are loose
They rage inside and reek abuse.
The drums beat louder and echo in his head
They rupture his veins until he is bled.

He is only a man with a dying light,
A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,
“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,
“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.

And yet while the flame can still flicker,
And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,
The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,
Until he is safe from this strife.

[james1]

So I really worked to find a positive poem I believed in.

Here it is about making a future for yourself, with a little bit of Disney inspiration, aha.

Sorry the rhythm is a bit out of whack - I'm might look at it again tomorrow, but I wanted to post it now and get it out. Then when it's done, I'll post it in the poetry corner 🙂

My little sculpture

There’s a flicker in my studio
Where I work into the night,
Moulding the clay carefully
Like a mother, brushing hairs from her child’s forehead
As she gently puts him to bed.

I imagine what it was like
To sit unwanted and abandoned
Atop his owner’s shelf,
With no one to tend to his flaking skin
Or draw back the smile when it began to droop.
To be tossed aside when business faltered
And be left in the gutter, battered and bruised
From the blow to his cheek
As he landed on the cold hard concrete.

How horrible it must have been –
This poor Pinocchio
Who just wanted to be a person,
But never found life.

Yet, as if by magic, he found his way to me
And knocked on my door, scared but stronger
Than when he was first pummelled into existence
In that sorry pit of a studio -
That place he could never call home.

There was warmth in his grey eyes,
A spark I had never seen
In unfired clay as he said to me:
“Make me real Mr Geppetto.”

So I let him in and I said to him:

“Well, you’re young and made of clay,
So there’s no need to be a statue today.
Let’s start with that frown –
Turn it upside down –
Have a look now in the mirror.
Do you see your future clearer?

Give me your hand, there, that’s right
You don’t need me to hold you at night
See how you can rub away each and every scar
All on your own, when you wish upon a star.

Now, have a rest for there’s no rush to go
And fix every dent and every scar you know.
You’ve got years to hear and feel and see
To create the sculpture, the person, you want to be.”

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

Your latest poem seems to be coming along nicely. There's sadness in it but it's also hopeful for the future. I like it; the poem is very you.

Dottie

[Emmy.]

Hi James so sorry for the delay in replying to you hun I feel really bad 😞

Wow volunteering from 10pm-4am... How was that?

May I ask a little more about your experience with your parents? When did the criticism start. For me I cannot remember - is that bad...just always felt not good enough. Obviously as I got older the words became for hurtful as well as the threats that she'd take her life because of me. Hard to take hey. And none of my other sisters were treated like this. But there was good times, lots of good times too which I hold onto. Was there good times for you? And I believe Mum suffered from depression so think it steamed from this. Do you keep in touch with your parents?

Thanks for the kinds words, I don't feel brave I've never shared what happened to me as a teenager with my family and don't think I ever will. Very lucky to have you all to support me through understand what happened to me. Still don't though-perhaps never will.

Have you explained to your ex about your illness? Perhaps she could do a little reading into it. Maybe you could find her some material / info? 4 years is along time together I'm sure she's still coming to terms with what has happened but would still have feeling for you. Sorry to hear you pushed her away but you had to do what was best for you at that time in your life. She will come to understand that. Perhaps not straight away but give it time. I'm glad you're getting the help that you need and it'll only make you into a better partner whether it be with you ex or another amazing girl. You'll find your princess! Or perhaps you already have. I truly believe that our days are already planned for us and if you two are meant to be together it will happen in its own time. Keep in touch with her though. Check in on her, see how's she doing. Perhaps write her one of your amazing poems. All I can suggest is give it time.

Regarding feeling lonely in Sydney could you join any groups in Sydney to meet some like minded people. Perhaps a sporting group or maybe a social event through the volunteering organisation to help with? May I ask have you always lived in Sydney (you don't have to answer that if too personal).

Here for you James. as its a lot of others on this forum.

Hugs my friend. Emmy x

[james1]

No worries Emmy 🙂 I know you were strugglign a bit yourself.

Volunteering was okay. I slept a bit before and then went for a run afterwards. I think it was nice just to talk to people. I've always been good at putting on a face and talking to strangers, and it does stave off the bad feelings at least while I'm there.

My experience with my parents sounds pretty similar to yours so I understand how you feel. The criticisms started basically when I was born as far as I know. It was physical too, but not as bad as some other people. I also got the same emotional manipulation in terms of leaving forever and it'd be my fault. They somewhat fixed it up by the time they had my sister. The worst was over, but mum was pretty broken by then, and because I was older, I bore and still bear the brunt of it. Like you say, they only act the way they do because of their own troubles. So I can forgive them, but I don't want to deal with it. Yes, still live at home but moving out soon and we have a mutual understanding that our relationship is broken, but still there.

Thanks for your advice about my ex. Time is something I'm really bad at, especially since my days go by so slowly, yet hers don't. Just a matter of her not having to deal with depression or BPD and having her PhD to worry about, whereas I'm just busy being sad, aha. But your advice sounds true to me - she knows now and if she chooses to try and understand it, that's nice, but for the moment I think I just need to keep a respectable distance. Like you say, keep in touch for any significant events - she'll have another nephew/niece soon, I'll be moving out and getting some rats (yay!) - but otherwise hopefully she'll come to see that we had 3.5 really great years, and things soured at the end for reasons other than "us".

Yep! Always in Sydney. Friends interstate and overseas so no one here with me. I'm trying to do more volunteering work which I used to do, but trapped a bit by my upcoming mortgage when I move out. Single income will make it difficult to leave my job and do more volunteering. Oh well.

Going to see my psychologist again today. I don't even know what to say because I honestly haven't done my homework since a fortnight ago. I might try to show her some poems though. That's been my way of staying grounded.

Thanks for your support Emmy 🙂 I honestly dont' know where I'd be without you and the others here, but it'd be in a much worse place. You're amazing!

James

[james1]

Thanks Dottie 🙂 Yes, I do find the poems I write end up being sadder than I realised. I think it's because I've shut myself off from my emotions - self preservation - so I don't realise how clouded my mind really is.

But thank you for your reply! It's nice just to be acknowledged and not judged.

[Emmy.]

It's funny that front we put on for others. I'm only now being truthful to myself and others. When a friend asks that dreaded questions "how are you?" I always say "fine" but I'm now trying to be honest with my friends (to a certain extent anyway). The other day I casually told my friend that I'd been suicidal and not thought anything of it. Perhaps thought I was talking on BB forum. But she was taken aback and a bit upset - I felt terrible. But there they were my feelings laid bare before us both. My first thoughts were "hope she doesn't think differently of me" we've been friends since we were 8 and she's the only friend who knew what happened with me and those men. But I still find it hard telling her how I truly am. Gosh sorry your thread and I'm rambling on about me. Sorry James. But yes that mask we put on conceals a lot of truths doesn't it.

So sorry to hear that your abuse was physical too. Emotional abuse is hard enough to try to come to terms with let alone the physical. (Big hugs James). Are you close with your sister or do you hold a bit of resentment towards her? I know with one of my sisters (I'm the youngest. Have two older) she was the apple of my mums eye! Could do no wrong. I often question what was so wrong with me? Why did they have a 3rd daughter?

I think it'll be really good for you moving out soon. Setting up your own little place and be surrounded by all things that make you, you. Things that make you happy. Whereabouts are you looking to buy?? Would you consider going north? I live on the Central Coast (it's a nice spot) and my hubby and I are currently building in Lake Macquarie (house is nearly finished). How many rats are you thinking of getting? Hey can you train rats? I use to have mice - gosh they were cute on their little wheel hehe.

With your ex I just keep thinking "if it's meant to be, it will be". Definitely touch base with her when you get a new place, and if you know when she becomes an aunt send her a card and some flowers. Those things will mean a lot. You're not trying to force the fact that you want to get back together but just that you still want her in your life and respect her enough to give her distance and time.

(Running out of room will post in another message)

[james1]

Hey Emmy, just a short one while you complete your reply...

Don't feel sorry for talking about yourself 🙂 I like hearing about your story (I hope that doesn't sound bad...I just mean it as a friend) because it makes me feel less alone.

[Emmy.]

Don't know what happened to my other reply must not have come through.

Let us know how you go today with your psychologist. Just be honest with her that you've not done much since last seeing her. That can be addressed why are you putting off doing the homework. I have avoidance personality disorder so that's one reason I don't do things I just avoid it cause of the fear I'll be rejected. For so long I wasn't open with my psychologist - didn't want her to judge me. Sounds silly hey she's a psychologist, she's there to help me. Not to be my friend. Think that's why I've made limited progress. Super nervous about seeing my psychiatrist next week. Hubby wants me to talk with him about medication as he thinks I'm still not doing too well. And mention the suicidal thoughts I have when things get tough. He wants me to show him my poem I wrote "my penance". Did you show your psychologist?

Gosh can all get heavy hey.

Let's make each other smile. Let's tell a little story to give the other a giggle ... Ok I'll go first - Hhhmmm ....

1. I can make a REALLY good chicken noise. You'd seriously think there was a chicken in the room. Wish I could show you hehe. It would make you laugh.
2. When I was little the garbage trucks use to say P.E.T on them (it was for recycling back in the day). I thought it meant for people throwing out their dead pets. Thought it was so weird. (Why wouldn't people bury them? Why were so many P.E.Ts dying) hehe.
3. I believed in Santa till I was in Year 6

Your turn now... Just for a bit of fun.

Emmy xx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey James,

Sorry to see what you had to deal with, growing up. I know what it's like to have a broken parent, though mine were both more cold and indifferent, and not abusive. Your attitude toward it is commendable and more forgiving than mine (I think my folks just need to get their s*** together, quite frankly), but I'm glad for you that you're moving out soon. Sure having a mortgage on a single income can be tough (doing it myself), but there's so much benefit to having that independent space and also to not worrying about landlords. Not living with someone can do wonders for the relationship, too. Things might improve with your family, and I hope they do.

I hope that through work or volunteering (or maybe joining a club or something like Emmy suggested) you are able to connect and make friends locally. Maybe easing up on the facade would help in that. I don't mean run around telling the world all your troubles, but maybe not always pretending you're okay when you're not, or showing a bit of who you are, your interests and attitudes. I'm pretty unabashedly myself at work and have found people have gravitated toward me because I'm not just another false smile or parroting what everyone else says. Just a thought. Obviously I haven't seen how you are around others and I'm not criticising, just offering insights from my own experience.

Hope you and your lovely cockatiel are doing okay today. Sir Pecksalot is up to mischief on my desk now, trying to eat bits of my dictionary, and running about on my pencils, which are rolling out from underneath his little feet. It's pretty entertaining.

Blue.

[james1]

Hey Emmy and Blue

I'll reply to the heavy stuff later (lots going on and it may give time for Emmys full post to come through!), but here are some things that hopefully make you laugh a bit in the meantime:

1. My cockatiel can bark 🙂 After living with our dog for a while, he learned to bark. It actually used to scare the dog a bit, aha. He can also chirp like a microwave beeping.
2. I try to keep my hair very short (#1 or #2, if you know clippers). So it was a real surprise once when I shaved a bit at the back straight off to the skin because I forgot to put the clipper guard on! I had to walk around with a hat or beanie for a while 🙂

Love your stories Emmy - I think I believed in Santa until Year 5 - not far off, but shattered when I found out that HE REALLY IS REAL 😉

Aha my cockatiel loves paper. He also loves the glowing apple sign on mac computers. Frustrates my sister and used to frustrate my ex to no end because he'd go peck at it. Good thing I have a dell!

James​