I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Aaron

How is your day going so far?

I love the idea of breaking it up into chunks and getting through the day bit by bit, great attitude. Also I hope you get a chance to call your phone counsellor too as she will be a great support.

You sound so confused and sad and I think that space will really be the solution there, as tough as that will be. But if you allow yourself some time to see your ex you can relax a little knowing "you will never see her again!" which is sometimes a daunting thought. I think a phone call now and then and then perhaps a coffee once or twice a week and then start to lengthen the time, as you want to also give her the chance to be able to be self sufficient too.

You have been "her boyfriend" for 4 years and have been playing the carer role so it is only natural that you are anxious about what is ahead for you and who you are, but you know what, you don't have to figure it all out today..or tomorrow, just give yourself a chance to get through this time first and make sure you are doing the things that make you happy and smile, like your car and the drives and music and your gig and friends, then you can figure out who and what Aaron is going to be about later on, when you are in a clearer and stronger space, and it will happen too!

I am glad that you like the idea of a pros and cons list, it will just help you to keep your thoughts in check and remind yourself that there was a reason you broke up, you have done nothing wrong, you were in pain in the relationship, yet there are good things too. I think this is also good to have a purge on paper and maybe just start writing in a book, doesn't even have to make sense but it really helps in getting stuff out and you can be as raw and honest and whatever comes out does, as you never have to show anyone and you may never even read it again, I did this both when my marriage ended and I have one now for grieving my brother, it is so good.

Well I am thinking of you and stay strong and I hope today brings at least one smile.

Your friend

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi RandomX

Thank you for your message.

There's no denying that she has been abusive. There were significant periods where her behaviour caused my existing depression and anxiety issues to spiral out of control. There were times where I was genuinely afraid of her. I often felt like I was treading on eggshells around her.

We have done heaps of talking over the last couple days. She has acknowledged that her behaviour was wrong. There were particular things about her that she never told me about, some of which gave background to some of her behaviours. She has acknowledged that she has serious anger issues. These have caused her problems in the work place, and I suspect this could be a part of why she doesn't have friends. She also said that she knows she isn't good at being empathetic.

It was hard for me to talk about anything with her. When I would try and talk about something relating to the relationship that I was upset about for example, I'd be told "don't worry, it'll be fine", or that I was being silly or neurotic. I guess the reason why I haven't totally given up on her is that this is the first time she's seemed to actually hear what I'm saying.

To her credit she has supported me through some really awful external situations that occurred. I became very sick and lost a considerable amount of my hearing in one ear, as well as any ability to balance- she was there for me every day looking after me. That said, she hurt her ankle and for 5 months I did everything for her. I became a full time carer. So it went both ways.

You're right in that I'm seeing a really nice side of her now, not the angry/nasty side. She says she's committed to improving things, and is even will go to counselling with me. I suggested counselling for us as a couple at least a year ago and she wasn't remotely interested.

I'm carrying a huge amount of guilt. I probably don't need to carry that. I've always done the right thing by her and have been endlessly patient when I'm sure other people would have walked away.

Aaron

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Not having the best day. I went to the tea room this morning, that work colleague that befriended me was there. She knew what happened on Friday, she sent me a lovely message checking up on me , offering support. She asked how I was going etc. but abruptly cut of the conversation and left. I guess if she has feelings for me it's hard to see me hurt over someone else, that much would make sense. I'll steer clear of her for now.

I'm going to leave work a bit early today and ring up the phone counsellor. I'm still so confused and not really with it. I guess I'm rattled by it all, feeling really drained. I agree that space is the solution. I'm not seeing her in person today, will call on the phone but that's it.

I am going to write out that pros and cons list today. It's good to get it out of my head and onto some paper. Right now I'm losing sight of why I left and I need to hold myself to those reasons for leaving.

At lunch time I'm going to go for a walk, hoping that will make me feel a bit better.

Work is good too for distracting me.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Arg tough that you had to see your work colleague this morning, not ideal and not really what you need right now. I am sorry she cut you short after asking how you were and sending you a nice message, maybe she is struggling too with the idea of you are single, but struggling and are there feelings there between you..etc..but now is really not the time to try to work through the issues with her and I think keeping your distance is a great idea. I think just one thing at a time.

Great that you are keeping busy at work and it is a distraction, good to have some time off from thinking about it and worrying, just what you need really.

You are doing so well you really are and this is never easy for anyone, so please don't feel like you are not doing this right or well as there are no rules and there is certainly no manual to this. I am so proud of you.

Calling her tonight will be good, then perhaps leave it tomorrow, but if you can't that is fine too...but I really do believe space will give you peace.

I will be very interested to know too how your counsellor thinks you can navigate through this too as they are the experts and will give you something concrete to work with.

You are doing an amazing job Aaron and big hugs for you.

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

Yes, this morning was unfortunate. I'm not really sure what to make of it but I don't really have capacity to think about it. She's obviously hurting and that makes me feel not very good, but she has to understand that these things aren't really black and white.

It's really nice of you to say that I'm doing well. I'm honestly not feeling like I am but I'm just trying to work through this the best way I can. It's hard to concentrate on anything at the moment. I guess that's what happens when you still love and care about that person.

I'll talk to her tonight, I said I'd give her a call at about 6.30 or so. I'm going to ring up the counselling service after work, I too am interested in what their advice would be. Like you said, they're no manual for these things.

I really wish I never developed feelings for that co-worker as I feel it's made this whole thing a lot more confusing and difficult than it would've been otherwise. I feel like no matter what I do I'm hurting people.

Hoping with speaking with a counsellor tonight I get a bit more clarity.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Aaron you really are doing well and you should know that, break up's suck and they are tough and you are doing the best that you can, if not better. You went to work today, you are thinking about how to do better with chatting to me and with planning a call to the counsellor, you are doing great things.

I would try not to beat yourself up about your work colleague, sure there are/were feelings there but you both did the admirable thing and called it a day and went your separate ways, please don't regret it as if you remember how wonderful it made you feel, awoke your senses up and made you see that there is caring and kindness in the world, that can 't be bad. I think you just need to deal with one issue at a time and I really don't think she is expecting anything from you at this point in time, she knows you are hurting and has reached out to you, she is probably wanting to be there for you but doesn't want to seem like she is forcing herself on you, just caring, so she is probably feeling awkward. You can just acccept her friendship and kind words but there is nothing to do there, you have not hurt her or done anything to betray her or offend her, Try and just accept her kindness for what it is and just focus on you for now.

The counsellor might say this to you too tonight but I would try to avoid conversations with your ex now about the future with her, I think you don't want to give her false hope and false indication that you are prepared to work things out, as I think you are still unsure and if you do decide to get some counselling and work it out it will be a nice surprise not an expectation that this is where you are heading, even with counselling you might decide that there is no future, and that is fine, you have given it every best to succeed you really have.

Just be kind to you...hugs Aaron

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Dear Sarah

Thank you for your encouraging and kind words. Today has been harder than I expected but I guess break-ups are not good - doesn't matter what I do, it's going to hurt. I have a terrible habit of trying to always please people - I realise now I sometimes say things that I know will make that person happy, but often I have to think about the consequences of that after (and if I really meant what I said).. if that makes sense? It's not a quality I'm proud of at all.

That's true about my work friend - it was a wake up call and a half. I shouldn't forget that. You're right, I think she's awkward. She knows she can't help me through this break up, and if she has feelings for me still, seeing me hurting as a result of someone else would be horrible. I thought I might send her a message apologising if I made her feel uncomfortable or awkward and that it wasn't my intention.

I'm going to not preempt anything about the future with my ex partner. I left for a reason and need to remember that. I guess the pain I'm feeling tends to be lessened when I see her. But it's not a good way of dealing with it, and it's almost like feeding an unhealthy addiction in some ways. I have to remember that I left what was at times an abusive relationship. I'm hopelessly sentimental and often I don't see things for as they were.

I thought the lead-up to breaking up was bad. This part is even worse! But I am so grateful to have your support and virtual hugs helping me.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

I just wanted to say something to you about people pleasing cos guess what...I used to be that person too, and it is exhausting!!! I hear you loud and clear when you commit to something and then walk away thinking "why did I agree to that?" or "great, now I have to do that and I don't want to!" or "How can I possibly fit that into my week with all the other stuff I have to do?" It becomes completely overwhelming....well.....this could be an area that you could do some work on and see the massive positives and have a really big win that will also make you feel really good about yourself.

So how are we going to do this.....ok we could do some role playing and we can even start with a work example:

"Hi Aaron, I was wondering if you could make 100 copies of this booklet for me as I am flat out and don't have time, can you help me?"

So your natural default is to say "sure" , inside you are dying as you know you simply don't have time to scratch yourself but you really like this person and want to help...sooo, instead of saying "yeah sure I can do that for you"...you can try..

" Sorry Matt (just made that up) I can see that you really need those quickly but unfortunately I am not able to help you today, I have a deadline to meet myself. I would like to be able to do that for you but I can't today."

You have been polite, you have addressed that they are in a mad rush, but so are you and you have put yourself first. It is fine to say no..

ok so what about for your ex...

"Please come over tonight after work, I really miss you and I want to talk to you about some things I have been thinking about"....your first response..."arrhh I really care about her feelings so I should go and talk to her, it is the least I can do seeing I hurt her"....but you can try..

"Sorry Mary (I made that up too), I am happy you have been able to do some thinking but I am not going to come over to see you tonight, I need some space today and I am going to give myself that. I am happy to talk to you about these things but can I take a few days and get back to you then?"

I am not sure that if this is helpful Aaron but this is what I had to learn and it is so wonderful when you can put yourself first, and you are not hurting anyone or being rude...it is so refreshing...

Ok..teacher Sarah signing off now...have a great night Aaron.

[rhinoceros]

Hi Sarah

It's a terrible thing, I guess I don't want to disappoint people, but the ironic thing is when you try and please everyone, there's always someone who gets disappointed.

Your advice is helpful!

Particularly with my ex girlfriend (it really hurts to call her that actually) - I still like talking to her and hearing what she has to say. She's been sending me text messages checking if I'm okay, saying she's worried about me. We still both love each other lots.

I had a session with the telephone counsellor last night , that was really helpful for clearing up my thoughts. Going through the whole scenario, right from the start to where I'm at now kind of puts things in perspective. It reaffirmed my reasons for having to leave the relationship and how it wasn't a healthy situation to be in. After that conversation I felt quite at peace with my thoughts.

Unfortunately when morning comes all that gets undone and I'm back to worrying and feeling lonely. I am seeing my counsellor today ,he's helped me right from the start of this relationship when the issues first started, 3 or more years ago now. I think that will be helpful. These things are never easy I know.

I sent a message to my work colleague apologising if I made her feel uncomfortable. She was upset that I hadn't contacted her on the weekend after the break-up on Friday. She felt shut out. I feel this is a bit unreasonable and unfair to expect that of me during such a time.

I'm keeping my distance from her because I still haven't stopped loving my ex girlfriend. It's only been days after all! I don't believe it's coming from a pushy/malicious place, probably it's from a caring place, but it's a complication and pressure I don't need at such a delicate time.

My strategy today is to try and focus on work - I 'm sure I'll feel less bewildered after my appointment with my counsellor today.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron, well we are half way through the day and I hope that you are doing ok. I have been thinking so much about you this morning and can feel how much you are pained and confused. This is not easy and you are doing everything right to get yourself back on track and feel some sort of relief soon.

I am so happy to hear that you spoke to your phone counsellor and that you have an appointment this afternoon too. All this talking and working through it will be so beneficial, even though it probably feels like nothing is changing at the moment.

The whole pleasing people thing is a horrible thing and yes you are very right, someone does always get hurt, you....as the person you are pleasing is getting what they want but you are not.

I can also see your confusion between loving your ex and talking to her and knowing how she is doing and worrying about her, and then her expressing she is worried about you too. It is so hard not to feel torn and just to run back and I am so proud of you for still acknowledging the issues you had and that there were troubles and that is essentially why you broke up. It is tricky to remain that focused and you are doing it, so feel proud. You could quite easily just dump it all on the ground and go right back, but you are not and that take strength Aaron.

I feel really annoyed actually at your work colleague, that is really lousy of her to put that on you when this is most definitely not the time to be working through things with her. She sounds like perhaps she does have some feelings there for you and thought perhaps that you may go running to her arms when you called this relationship off and is maybe upset that you have not called on her for support. But you are doing the right thing and have apologized if you made her feel uncomfortable which is so far above and beyond what you need to do really. I think just perhaps keep her at arms length for now and she really should not be putting pressure on you.

Great strategy to focus on work and take you mind off things, even if it is just for a few minutes to give yourself some reprieve..I hope that there are some things and some people that make you smile at work, just so you can feel happy for a moment.

Have a really great purge tonight with your counsellor and I am sure you are going to feel better, she will also be able to give you some things to do to help with your healing.

Cant wait to hear how you are feeling tomorrow after your meeting, probably exhausted.

Sarah