I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

[rhinoceros]

Hello friends

I am in a bad situation. I would appreciate your advice and insight. I have been in a relationship for almost four years. It's been really hard at times. I love her sincerely but recent developments have have made me realise that I don't think I can in good conscience stay with her any more.

For majority of our relationship we have had issues with intimacy. This was a mess. Unfortunately my AD medication had adverse side effects. She assumed I didn't find her attractive and I guess responded with a threat response. I was screamed at, belittled and told that this is my problem, you need to fix it. I accepted this and sought counselling to help. This had repeated so many times that I no longer was interested in intimacy. I was actually afraid of it and still am. Similarly with other issues/concerns, they were usually met with either a very defensive or aggressive response, despite my best efforts to be diplomatic and gentle in my manner. Most of these particularly nasty memories are from some time ago now, (at least a year usually) but have done a lot of damage.

She had been away for the last three weeks. During this time a friendship with a female co-worker started. I confided in her about ALL of the issues I've been dealing with. She displayed warmth, kindness and understanding that I simply forgot could exist. I developed feelings for her, she did for me. We agreed I'm not in a place to obviously do anything about it so unfortunately are no longer friends.

I attempted to break up with my partner yesterday. She was distraught and heartbroken. It was the opposite of the angry/aggressive person I feared. I care very much for her. She has no friends, barely any family and would be entirely on her own. I couldn't go through with it. We agreed to try and work through our problems. I want to believe we can do this, but deep down I don't think it will work.The fact I developed feelings for someone else plagues me with guilt and I feel like every word I say to her is a lie.

Right now I think I need to work through my own thoughts and feelings and then proceed to act from there. I feel like I'm some sort of monster and I don't know what to do any more.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Aaron

Awesome that you got some beautiful sunshine today, I just went outside for a bit myself. I too have pastie skin being a redhead, I am just lucky I work for a Sunscreen Company!

That sounds really positive that you have picked a day to have the conversation. The advice that the counselor gave you is so true in that she was fine before you and will be again afterward too. The hurt will pass and she will do what she needs to do in healing herself, she make even seek some counselling which could prove to help her on so many levels.

We think alot alike and I am also a believer that things happen for a reason. Sometimes we have no clue what that is at the time but some how there always does seem to be a reason. The fact that you have lost some hearing isn't great but hey, you got to experience the kindness and attention of someone who was warm and caring and you would have missed that had you gone away. It is so strange how the world works.

If you were to say what good has possibly come out of my brother's suicide if everything happens for a reason..I can actually say something positive, and that is that I have joined Beyond Blue as a volunteer, I have met some amazing people with real substance. I have found I can give something back to people who are also having a hard time. Would I rather it not have happened this way..absolutely but my experience with Beyond Blue as life changing. So yeah, the universe does have it's ways and there are so many new and exciting things ahead for you.

Everything will be OK Aaron, you are stronger than you think and don't give yourself enough credit. No doubt this conversation will be hard, I feel like standing in front of a crown playing a guitar would be hard too, but hey, you smash that! You deserve happiness Aaron and now it is time for you to claim it. You are so emotionally intelligent, warm and caring and I can see you would have a lot of love to give, so now it is your time to receive it too. You have given your utmost in this relationship and that is to your credit, that is so true what you said, it is normal to have times of unhappiness but it sure should be the exception!

Please do not think for one moment that my issues are more important than yours, everyone has there own struggles in life and it is all relative to each individual, you have been going through a really tough time with this and you should not discount that. You are making some really good progress and should feel proud.

S

[rhinoceros]

Dear Sarah

I would imagine being sunburned at a Sunscreen Company wouldn't be a good look! I'm just kidding.

I'm finding this so unbelievably daunting but having picked the day kind of makes things okay. I've had to think practically. We both would then be able to collect ourselves a bit on Sunday. Obviously I have clothes etc. at her house that I'd need to deal with too. I feel cold thinking about it in this way but with something like this there are logistics to consider. I've actually removed some very valuable guitars. I doubt she'd actually destroy things, but I'd rather not take the chance.

The world sure works in a strange way. Initially I was completely deaf in one ear. I'm so grateful some hearing came back. I have shocking tinnitus but it rarely bothers me. Strangely, if it's the wake up call to get me out of an unhappy relationship and something that allowed me to experience a friendship with someone so genuinely kind and caring, it was strangely worth it. It also gave me the appreciation that life is quite short. Our health can suddenly fail on us, things happen that we would never imagine. That is why we should be with people that make us happy. Being with someone and feeling lonely is not what I want. It's really been a hard 4 years.

I feel nervous a bit like when I first started performing on guitar. It's a good way to look at this. It's a performance of sorts, not a particularly nice one it will be such a profound relief when it's over. It'll be really harrowing but I'll have to stay strong as I can and remember that I'm doing the right thing.

That is so wonderful that you are a volunteer for Beyond Blue. I am so grateful for organisations such as this. In the early stages of this relationship I posted here and people were so helpful and kind. Again hindsight- it was clearly identified that the behaviour I was being subjected to was wrong. I just didn't want to believe it at the time. I just soldiered on believing I was defective and that it was all my fault.

I need to remember everything will be okay - I'm terrified in all honesty right now but I think it's because I know I'm going through with this. Change is scary whether good or bad, and it's only natural to be afraid of change, especially when it's a big one like this. I've never been a fan of change but this is one that I know is for the better.

I'm glad I'm making some progress. I still feel awful but that's to be expected!

I hope you get to enjoy the balmy evening weather 🙂

[Aaronsis]

Dear Aaron

You hit the nail on the head..there is NO WAY you can come to work sunburnt, it's like doing the walk of shame as you enter the building..lol

There are the logistics to consider and that is very smart to give yourself a day to "recover", the fact you have taken things already that are valuable is good as clothes are just clothes and if you don't get them back it is no big deal. Don't feel cold about thinking about these things, it is all part of the process and you have given it so much attention and thought about everything.

I can't imaging what the past 4 years has been like for you, it is a long time to be feeling and being made to feel like a less than satisfactory partner. You are right in saying that your health is also something to think about as imagine what your poor body is doing inside with all the stress and anxiety and sadness. It will be nice to have a break from all of that, and you are going to get it.

Don't beat yourself up about having received information before and not acting on it, yes hindsight is a powerful thing and if you had of know that 4 years later you still would have been feeling like this then perhaps you may have done something then, but, I am sure then you thought that things might change and things would get better as you do love her and wanted things to work out, that is only natural. I think now you can see though that you have given it every single ounce of what you have and to no avail. The time is now.

Now, my best friend suffered Tinnitus so badly for most of her adult life..she by accident found this sound therapy. It is a small device and it plays classical music but in a pitch that corrects the way in which your ear retrieves sound. You listen to it through head phones for like 4 hours a day, you have it on so softly just so you can just hear it, she wore hers at work or on the train. It is expensive, like $700 and there are different levels you listen to as you progress through it. Well to cut a very long story short ..it worked..and she no longer suffers the squealing and the high pitched noises that plagued her for her life. Maybe this is something to have a look at.

Tonight I am out for dinner with friends for their birthday which I am looking forward to, I try to keep myself busy to avoid idle time and my friends have been awesome. We are having Vietnamese.

Hope you have a great time at your gig

Chat tomorrow

Sarah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron - Happy Friday!

I just wanted to stop in and say that I will be thinking of you tomorrow and pass on all my strength to you for the day.

Stay strong and I will be checking from time to time on here if you need to debrief or to do whatever after the fact.

All the very best Aaron - YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK...

chat soon

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Dear Sarah

Sorry for going quiet like that. Today (Friday) I broke things off. I couldn't take it any longer. There's no right time for these things. There's only so long you can lie to yourself and your partner.

Right now I'm going between feelings of relief, sadness and guilt. I guess that's what happens when people break up. She was absolutely heartbroken. Like I said before, she has no friends and no close family. I'm all she had. I guess that's the part that I feel awful about.

I know I've done the right thing for myself. It's just hard to keep believing that when you're feeling down. I'm going to call her tomorrow morning to see how she is doing. I owe her that much, I still love and care about her even though I can't be in a relationship with her anymore. Despite being treated badly at times, I'm really going to miss her. It's horrible, I can hear her crying clearly in my head. It hurts badly.

Today I wasn't at work obviously as this break-up was happening. I had to do a gig this evening, which I thought would be hard, but it was actually a really nice distraction from all the horrible thoughts running through my head. I have to remember too that I'm probably feeling my absolute worst right now, as each day passes I will start to heal and feel better again.

Today took all the strength I had. I find the thought of tomorrow kind of daunting in a bizarre way. It's like a newnworld but I don't really know what my place is in it anymore.

Thank you for your lovely messages Sarah, you've really helped me through this really unpleasant time. I'm optimistic I'll be feeling much better soon.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Oh Aaron, firstly hi, and secondly ..I am soo proud of you.

You have done it and I am very proud of you as this has been so bloody hard for you and the anxiety and stress and guilt all rolled up into one big ball of yuk. You are such a caring person and because of that it will feel like crap today, but you are so very right, this will be the worst of it, each day will easier, but some days might feel worse and all this is completely normal and completely ok. Please don't beat yourself up if you want to cry or just feel like absolute crap, allow yourself to do that, give yourself permission to grieve this, it is a loss.

She is not a bad person, infact you love her and she was special to you, you care for her and that is what makes you so wonderful, that you can see all her good and wonderful points but they just don't line up with what you need anymore, and that is fine.

Today be kind to yourself, even if you can do one thing you love, jump in the car and go for a big sing to Roy..it is going to be a beautiful 17 in Hobart today so that sunshine should help too.

I guess I am just saying that I am so happy for you, it is a wonder what is next for you but you know what...how bloody exciting...you can choose, it is all up to you and that is so refreshing and liberating. Now you have done this you have given yourself permission to feel alive again.

Lean on your mum, lean on your friends, lean on me...we are all here to see that you are ok as we all care about you.

Stay strong Aaron and that is so sweet of you to call her today, that is really kind of you too.

Just a side note, the mother in me came out yesterday when I didn't hear from you and I was slightly worried about you...lol...wondering if you were ok...but I should have know you were as you really are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Every best everything for you....have a great day and let yourself do what ever it is that comes.

Chat soon Aaron...and I won't worry if we don't..as I know you will be off living a wonderful life...yay for you.

Cheers Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Dear Sarah

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I actually went to reply last night, but I fell asleep before I finished writing the message. It's been really horrible for the last couple day. We broke up on Friday, I spent most of Saturday with her - we still had lots to talk about and discuss. I took her out for a hot chocolate, we walked around the Botanical gardens and had some lunch. There's a lot about her I didn't know. I guess I felt (and still feel) really sad we couldn't communicate openly like that earlier.

I'm finding it really hard to not think about her. She obviously doesn't want to break up. She asked if I've given up on our relationship, I told her that it's far too soon to even know/consider that, and that I haven't ruled anything out as such.

Right now I'm really torn up. I saw her again today, we talked some more about things. I actually told her about what happened with my work colleague - felt like I owed it to her to be honest about that. Was expecting her to be absolutely furious, but she was actually sad that I felt so lonely that it happened.

I'm finding it really hard to not see her. For so long I've been caring for her, to not do that is so hard. She hasn't been eating much at all since Friday, I worry so much. Part of me wants to run back to her again. I miss her so much.

I guess right now I'm feeling really lonely. I've been spending time with my best friend and his family. Early today I took my Mercedes to a car show. He was there this morning. Was nice to see him again. I feel like I have a huge hole in my chest. I guess that urge to care for her and look after her is really hard to suppress.

I probably sound like I have second thoughts about all this. I suppose I do in a way. The last 3-4 years haven't been exactly happy for significant periods, I guess right now I kind of have lost sight of that. I'm too raw to think straight. It's probably good that it's Monday tomorrow and we will be forced to have a bit more space. I told her I'd ring her after work just to check in.

It's been a rough trot for sure, but I'm sure I'll be okay and this will get easier with time. Right now it's painful as all hell. Being at work tomorrow is a blessing in many ways. There's a telephone counseling service I've been using, I think I will call them tomorrow just to get a bit of perspective.

Can't say life has become wonderful yet but I'm hoping it'll happens soon because this current feeling isn't very nice.

Aaron

[Aaronsis]

Hey Aaron

Please don't apologise for not getting back to me, you are out there living your life which is great.

Please do not beat yourself up for feeling this or not feeling that or supposed to be doing this and supposed to be doing that...this is your and her relationship and there is no right or wrong way to do this.

The fact you have had some really good conversations is really terrific, and good that this has not turned nasty and full of hate.

I feel proud that you have not commited to her in getting back together or not, I think you are very wise to give yourself some time and see how you feel about her and about the relationship. There are no rules to this and I guess that is also what is hard is that you are travelling blind. It will hurt like heck and that is to be expected, especially as you do love her and care for her.

I think that is also a brilliant idea to give the phone counselling a call tomorrow and chat through the past few days with them as they will be able to give you some great tools to help you manage through this tough time.

I am so very sorry you are hurting and I can hear how sad and how confused you are right now.

What do you think about this idea, what if tomorrow you call her after work as you said, but not see her, then Tuesday perhaps leave it for a day and give yourself some time and space and also her a chance to have some time to figure out what her strategies are for managing her sadness. Then perhaps a call on Thursday. Slowly give it a few days and decrease the amount of contact and give yourself some time to reflect on how you are feeling.

It is perfectly ok to miss her and feel worried about her, she has been the main part of your life for 4 years. I wonder if making a pros and cons list too might help you too see all the reasons to stay with her but remind yourself of the reasons you left. Just to see it clearly.

There really is no right or wrong way to do this but I feel like each day with some space it really will get easier and I know that is such a shitty cliche but it is true..that is great you spent some time with your friend today too, reflect on that and think about how that felt too.

You are doing such a great job of talking and communicating so keep on doing that as the more you get out I feel like the easier this will be to digest.

It is great to hear from you and I am sorry to hear that you are not doing well Aaron. I am sending you my strength and warm hugs.

Stay strong my friend

Sarah

[rhinoceros]

Thank you Sarah for your lovely and kind words - you have no idea how helpful you've been

I too am so glad it hasn't turned out nasty or bitter. There's no hatred, really there's a lot of love there. She has accepted and acknowledged how the dynamic of our relationship wasn't healthy. We've both done a massive amount of crying and apologizing over the last couple days.

You're so right that I need to gradually make more space between us. It's hard to think clearly and be rational at the moment. Space will help with that. I also really like the idea of a pros and cons list. To be honest I've almost forgotten all of the bad things that happened, I guess when we are hurting, our perceptions and recollection of things can become distorted.

Gradually communicating with her less frequently will be hard but it's the right thing to do. It's almost like weaning off medication (been doing that for 3 years now - ergh). Not seeing her tomorrow is going to be really hard, but talking on the phone will be good. If I keep seeing her constantly the dust is never really going to settle and it will be impossible for me to think properly.

Part of my problem is I really don't know how to think about myself any more. I've done nothing other than think about her for the last 4 years. The relationship took on a carer/patient dynamic and I guess my source of satisfaction and gratification came from looking after her and putting myself last. It's a strange feeling to even think about a question such as "what do I want?". Truthfully I don't even know!

Tomorrow is a new day- I think I'll just try and break the day up into small chunks and try and not to think about anything much beyond that. Right now I'm thinking about so many things that are not even relevant or necessary to think about yet!

I'm going to listen to some music and try and get some sleep - I hope you have a good evening 🙂

Aaron

[Guest_1584]

Hi Aron.

Sorry to read about your sitch but it isn't just you believe me , these things and periods are one of the hardest things in life ever .

Reading through , the one thing that kept coming back was that your gf has been very , very abusive and in many ways not just the bedroom , but to repsond in those ways she does in that alone is basically gasoline on the fire . So it's no wonder your desire has dwindled away even more so in the way it has and you need to relieve yourself of at least some of that guilt because there's no way know it's all been on you . And that's without even talking about the rest of her treatment of you.

l know she's basically alone and so the even more so extra guilt you will feel but l'm also wondering a few things. Does she acknowledge or even realize the way she's been treating you and what is she saying about all that ? ls she aware she's been literally abusive and not only is that not a relationship but pushed you even further away all this time and of the effect it's all had on you , on top of everything else ?

Because it seems your taking the wrap for everything in this , yet intimacy or lack of is only one small part of a relationship, and it sounds like she's certainly got her fair share of crap and in that anyway but also in responsibilities all through as well. You need to feel loved and cherished and wanted , cared for and 100 other things from her too, that's not just a women's privilege , it's just as much the mans too.

So l'm thinking if you are considering staying, without getting to the real heart of things on all sides, not just a few of your things, the nice side of her that your seeing now , doesn't really carry much weight at all to my mind. Matter of fact you could expect a complete 180 from an abusive person right now. So l just think whether you decide to stay , or leave but particularly if it's stay, you really need to call a spade a spade in this and to hear what's going to be done about it, if it's going to be any different later in a few mths time. Yet on the other hand if it comes to leaving, then she should know the way she's treated you has one helluva lot to do with it and in many ways your guilt is mislaid tbh.

Anyway , hope you can come to a good place in this with whatever you decide. All the best.

rx