I Don't Even Know Anymore...

[BenignSky]

Hey, guys,
I've been drifting around in the social sector of Beyond Blue but decided to post on here. The title really says it all. I'm unsure of everything and anything.
My name is Emily (or Em or any other nickname you wanna call me) and I'm fifteen years old, yes I'm still a baby. I don't really know what's going on with me, but I can tell you, I've been through a lot. From bullying, body image issues, sexual assault twice, friendship issues, online issues, relationship issues, losing loved ones, random and so few panic attacks, self harm and what I can only describe as an eating disorder yet not professionally diagnosed - I've had a good share of what life has to offer.
My issue, at the moment, is this. My friend (A) was dating this girl (B). B, had been lying about some serious issues, a lot of which I've had experience with. It is believed that B isn't telling the truth and for good reason, but there must be a reason for the lies - right? Anyway, A and B broke up a few weeks ago and A made this group chat online with my friendship group for support because he was all over the place. Anyway, basically it turned into a place to plan attacks on his ex girlfriend. I'm not like that. So, me being me, went and said something to a teacher because I can't let something like that happen. Like, yeah, she did something horrible but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to get treated like that. Word has gotten back to my friends that I told the teachers and now I'm about to lose everyone so today is fun.
I get it was a bad move on my half, and pretty disloyal to my friends, but my morals will always win.
And bloody hell, now random people are messaging me and I've made a right mess of myself.
And I'm gonna lose everyone that I care about and I'm gonna be alone again and I'm frustrating more and more people. I'm awesome at relationships, did I mention that? Seriously, all my friends are avoiding me now.
Why do I do this to myself, argh...
And this is one of the many reasons I hate myself.
It's taking me so long to write this post because I'm dealing with it as we speak.
There's so much more I wanted to say on here but my life has just been consumed by this...dark cloud known as social media and loneliness. I went against my parent's advice by bringing this up with my teachers when I should've just left it but I didn't want to be involved and I can't let bullying happen, especially when I know B isn't coping.
Why do I do this to myself?

[White_Rose]

Dear Benign Sky

Hello, nice to meet you. I have read through this thread and I can see how unhappy you are. It's definitely not because you are young because the situations you describe happen to everyone at some time in their lives. It is hard to feel alone, have no one to talk to, laugh with, go places. I know that feeling and so do many of the people who write in here. One way I have to help me when I am feeling lonely is to write on BB offering help and support to others.

It doesn't matter how you are or how old the other person is, it's good to talk to each other, support each other and help them to get back into a good space. It will also help you to get into a good space. At the moment you feel no one is interested in you and your opinions. Well I am interested, but sadly the nature of this forum means we cannot write back and forth as you could in a chat room. You can use the chat online but that will only put you in touch with one of BB's trained staff, though that is a good option. If you would like a larger audience try responding to someone who seems to have similar problems to you. There is a forum especially for Young People and I gather you have found the BB Cafe.

If you explore the Anxiety forum I think you find people with similar feelings as yours. You can of course stay on this thread and chat here as well as talk to other people about how they get on.

You have put your thread in the Suicidal Thoughts and Self Harm. Is that because you have these sorts of feelings? Would you like to talk about them. I know how it feels thinking no one cares and how we can drift into thoughts that are not helpful. Perhaps we can talk about how to stop these thoughts.

I hope you will continue to write in here to me and the others who post here. Love to hear from you again.

Mary

[BballJ]

Hi BenignSky,

You are not rude or self centred at all, your problems are just as important as anyone elses, I think Sophie_M was just trying to point you in other directions so you don't feel like you have nobody to speak too, sometimes speaking to others can really help, I have seen you talking to another person who is going through a heart break in another thread and you were helping out. No one here expects you to know everything and know how to give advice, most of us are just regular people who suffer from mental health issues and use our experiences to help others. I find all you need to know is how to be caring and supportive which I think you know very well.

This may have been asked earlier in the forums, have you sought out help from a GP or a psychologist, or maybe even a school counsellor?

I know how you are feeling as well, I struggled with friends in high school, was never invited anywhere really and I guess socially awkward but I felt I had so much to offer people but I simply just didn't fit in. It's tough being a teenager, no one said it was easy. I know it all hurts now but believe me, you can come out of this.

What was it that you discovered about yourself that you found concerning and/or weird?

My best,

Jay

[BenignSky]

Hey, Mary, nice to meet you, and thanks for reading through this thread.

Because of my empathy issues, I find it increasingly hard to be there for others and read their stories when I'm in a bad space; not because I don't want to be there, but the fact that I'm all upset over petty, stupid little things whereas other people have a lot more serious stuff going on, and I feel guilty for trying to understand or relating in any way because I don't want to say the wrong thing, you know? I love helping people, I try to do that every day, but on here, I have a lot of trouble. I feel stupid for even trying. I feel so bad for everyone on here, every time they're going through a rough patch. I get so happy when people say they're feeling better today or things are getting a little easier.

I had originally put this thread in Young People, but it was moved to hear, I think based on my second post on this thread. I'm not suicidal, I have no thoughts of self-harm, just self-loathing, feelings of worthlessness, not being good enough for anyone, an idiot, guilty, alone, like everyone in my life deserves better. Then I question why I get treated so horribly. I love myself but I hate myself, you know?

Thanks for responding and posting,

- Em

[BenignSky]

Hey, Jay (I have a lot of people in my life whose name starts with 'J')

I just fear that I'll say the wrong thing, or that I won't help, or what I'll say will make someone feel worse, for whatever reason. I don't want to risk someone feeling worse. i've always been at the crux of people's pain and troubles, when all I try to do is make people happy and feel loved you know? I can only just say how wonderful people are. I have no advice or techniques.

Yes, I see a psych but she told me to drop back my sessions because I was fine, coming into my sessions with nothing negative to say. I was meant to have a meeting two weeks ago, but she cancelled on me. I tried rebooking but work and sickness and other commitments and her being booked and busy has prevented me from seeing her. I think I have one in July, so not too much longer to wait. School counsellors I never find are of any help, and the teacher I trust is in Italy. My GP is really cool, but only works certain days. I'm booking an appointment with her too.

it may not be appropriate to share what I discovered, but basically sex (not that I've had sex of any description) makes me feel a little bit better about myself, self-confidence, stuff like that. That I am attractive, or I am enough for someone to find me attractive. It's the one time where I can just forget everything for a bit and I feel positive and good. It's bad. It's concerning, but so true. I don't know how to feel about it.

Guess the whole view on me changes.

[Sophie_M]

Hi BenignSky, thanks for letting us know that you're not thinking of suicide, it helps us keep you safe as well as the rest of the community here reading.  We'll move this thread back to its original location.

[White_Rose]

Hello Sky

If you write to people on BB there is no need to try and make them happy. Look at the posts you have received. Has anyone suggested ways to be happy? What we try to do is recognise your hurts and validate your feelings. This is important for everyone. You do not need to be involved at an emotional level. Saying hello, perhaps sharing some of your story, asking how the person is going, simply talking about things you like and asking what they like, makes a huge difference.

No one expects someone on BB to have a magic cure (although if you find one let me know). We are all struggling and it's good to hold hands, metaphorically, with each other and share the feelings. This is comforting to others. So if I may suggest, think of the other as someone you would like to know and start a chat about whatever you like.

Would love to hear about any posts you make.

Mary

[james1]

Hey Em,

Mary's made a wonderful point about each of us just struggling and wanting to share how we feel.

It's why I replied to you in the first instance. A lot of the things you are struggling with now, I struggled with a lot last year and still do to some degree. I don't have the answers for you - only what helped me. But seeing the effort you put into caring for others just made me remember what I was like last year.

So yeah. You always have my ear.

James

[BenignSky]

Hey, Mary,

I didn't mean suggest ways to be happy, but more just trying to have a positive influence and make someone feel better. I don't know. I just don't feel like my stories would benefit anyone. I can't explain it. I'll try though, I guess that's all i can do for anything, right? I can't help being involved at an emotional level, that's what I am, who I am. I care too much, I am too much of everything which is what makes good qualities bad.

I'll try doing what you suggested and see how that goes for me.

Thanks,

Em

[BenignSky]

Hey, James,

Off topic but I keep looking at your rabbit and I am overwhelmed by wanting to cuddle it. He is so fluffy and cute. Makes me smile.

I guess I just feel like that what I'm going through is small and petty compared to everyone else and I don't want to...I can't explain it. It's pointless in trying to explain. I just have to get over myself, huh?

Thanks *hug*

[james1]

Hey Em,

Somethings don't need explanations. Like how tough it is for you. We can see that.

You don't have to agree or disagree with me, but I think you're important. And you've helped me as well also in ways I can't explain without writing War and Peace #2.

*hugs back with the bunny*