I can't find the right place for me to post

[Moonstruck]

I don't know any more where to put a new thread if I make one, or which ones to join in. I always used Anxiety because that is my major condition but that has been relatively under control lately - I feel Depressed today - but I don't qualify for the topics there either. I'm depressed mainly because there doesn't seem a place for me. I love some of the threads and personal thoughts for example in Staying Well, but I can't join in there, because I don't have any tips for Staying Well.

I tend to have almost paranoid thoughts through over-thinking "problems" that I would like to talk over but don't know where to talk them over before they reach the paranoid stage...I want to avoid that. I join in the Social threads saying light hearted jokey things because thats the only place I seem to belong.

I dwell on any problems my adult sons have in various aspects of their life and want to "fix things for them" - our relationship is very loving and close though - they are wonderful to me - so there is no real "problem" with my relationship with them....so I don't seem to belong in the "relationships, family" section either do I?

I worry about them all the time - when I tried to express this on forum I think it was misconstrued that I had "empty nest syndrome" - trying to adapt to my sons' leaving home....No, that's not it...they've been gone for years and years...I am a grandmother.

I liked the Getting to Know You, or is it Me? thread very much - but have been given suggestions how to start my own thread and what section to use etc and get the feeling I'm being steered away from there too.

So I am still confused. I don't feel particularly anxious today, so this shouldn't even be in Anxiety! Do you see my dilemma?

In fact the more I write the more I feel like crying - I don't know where to go next.

[Paw Prints]

Dear Moon,

You've done the bookings... yay you!

The actual trip?... Yes you can do this. 

Paws

[Moonstruck]

Thank you for all your confidence in me.   Just wanted to note down how I feel today...I needed to get it down on paper...I guess to try and make sense of it...unscramble my brains if I have any left! I see myself communicating with other people though not a lots as if I am working...I work part time from home....people on the phone due to work, or in stores, or an office perhaps....and I sound quite "normal" and well and capable person....and every inch of me is just throbbing with the desire, or need to "tell them the truth"...to say. "Help Me, for Gods sake, Help Me.  "I'm about one heartbeat away from screaming with stress, my thoughts are not clear even though the words from my mouth are eloquent and well spoken....no, no, that's an "act"...that's not me! Please please see the real me and if you only would, you would help me!  "

I can't think of any adjective that is positive to describe me or how I feel.....Desperate....if they could see how desperate I am to know I am going to be OK....that I am strong and safe!  I feel so unsafe.   But...and a big but....if I really was myself and allowed them to see the honest true state I am in, they would understandably call an ambulance, or police out of concern for my safety....because I would be screaming at the top of my lungs....For Gods Sake someone Help Me!  And they would probably call a professional person to "take me away". and if this happened, away from my home, my safe place and my cat I would prefer to die.....I am filled with fear, loneliness, grief, worry, sadness, panic, indecisiveness, exhaustion from just making it to another day....and I wish someone could see it and hold me....just hold me...touch me...I'm human just like you.   

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

Those people on the other end of the phone do see a real part of you , the competent person. The fact you have other feelings does not mean htat competent person is not realy part of you -it is.

True it can be hard not to mix the two parts and yell out, however I'm guessing that the fact these are business matters and you are not dealing with people on a personal level makes things seem worse.

Part of you does need human contact -and nurturing -that's being human. When you tihnk about it I do not think such things are far away. After all you have booked your journey to your son and family, and there I'm sure you will receive all the love -and hugs - you so badly need.

OW: “Who, being loved, is poor?”

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

It has been a little while since we spoke so I thought I'd pop in and see how you were going

Croix

[quirkywords]

Moon 

I am thinking you are or did go away to see you family. Hope you are ok.

[Moonstruck]

Hi quirky....yes I know its been a while.  I am due to go next week. Weather been erratic and the lead up horrible....as my boss extended my project we are working on...right up to the last minute...he sucks every amount of brain power and tasks out of me and I explained that I "would not Be HERE".  doesn't;t seem to sink in.

worst year, especially last half I can recall....the fall, the constant pain, GP wariness of giving me stronge. pain killers, my son and kids' turmoil during the divorce horror, a graze on my leg which seemed harmless enough turned infected....just seeming to heal now...did it in August.

Computer broke down as I was beginning work project....the one that I just finished...I HOPE I finished at least because I am GOING AWAY...this is what boss can't fathom!

The anxiety has been unbelievable, starting to make effort not to become total recluse, accepting invitations but finding it hard.  If the flights and trains and my pet being OK at the boarding cat motel, I just may survive!

It's been so hard and at time I want to cry out to the universe..."someone please help me"....thanks for caring.xxx

[Moonstruck]

Hi Croix....see above answer to Quirky.  Been hard, but pushing through.  starting to suspect I may be stronger than I think....I hope so anyway.  Going away next week....scared it won't all "fit together"...erratic weather not helping....Miss my partner now more than ever before.   Love Moon S xx

[mmMekitty]

Hi Moonstruck

Not sure this will help, but ....

I am glad to realise those wounds of yours are finally healing up, so glad to hear that.

I KNOW you are stronger than you think you are. You have come through & dealt with so much, as you say, especially this last year.... I think you are stronger than ever!

I suspect, when you are not at work, the penny will drop - your boss will definitely notice you aren't there, then!

I am sure you will have a great time away. I'll miss you while you are away, & look forward to your return.

If I don't catch up with you before Xmas - have a wonderful Xmas! 

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

I think mmMekitty has said just about everything I woulds wish to say. I hope you computer is fixed.

I'm also hoping with the the visit Xmas will be less of a hard time than previous years.

‘There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks in them.’

Croix

P.S. I find "A Child's Christmas In Wales" written and read by Dylan Thomas for the BBC enjoyable every few years.

[CMF]

Dear Moon,

It's amazing how some bosses just don't get it right? You ARE so strong Moon. MmMekitty is right.

I wish you well for your trip.

Luv ya

Cmf x