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Getting to know you...or is that me?

Just Sara
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

1,846 Replies 1,846

Just Sara
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Well hello beautiful people in BB Forum land. I wish I could tag everyone but alas, the new forum format isn't up and running as I'd expected. Poo!

It's been around a year since we've spoken. I'm sorry about that, I've been a busy bee with work and family; you know, the real world. It's also been a type of sabbatical too. Before I left I think I was beginning to burn out, not the ideal for someone who's supposed to be supporting others.

As I'm self isolating and can't attend work, I thought I'd pop in and offer myself up as an extra hand on deck for a while. We can't have too many helper bee's hey.

Thankyou to all who left messages while I was away, I'll try and catch up with you in the coming days.

I hope this post finds you all well, happy and safe.

Looking forward to chatting and rekindling friendships.

Lub, lub...Sara xoxo

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Sara~

It is lovely to see you back on deck, you have (of course) been missed.

I think you will find some familiar faces along with old ones, though the Forum itself is much the same.

I'm sorry to hear you are in isolation, something that is very taxing, even for someone with a great deal of self reliance.

I'm looking forward to seeing you around

Croix

😀😀😀 CHOOKYyyyy 🤗 good to see ya champ.

Can't believe a year and we're in April...what! 🤔

Hope yours has been good for you darl.

Not just saying this I think often of the lovelies past and present and wondered how your life's goin chooky ☺

Hope you're going ok with the isolation lovey I'd think you'd be ok. I get the feeling you'd be pretty independant and ok in your own company.

No hurry for reply ..is work your business you were working on.

Looking forwzard to hearing how it's all going trooper if you want to that is.

Peppy and Grandy will be stoked to see you darl.

Go easy lovey. See you around hun 🤗🐥🕊

Well hi there Monsieur Croix;

Lovely of you to welcome me back! Thankyou for your kind words.

Looking at your post count you've been a conscientious worker bee; not unexpected I might add. Spreading the lurve is what you're famous for.

I hope you and your family have been well; beautiful wife and cats of course.

My little dog passed away in my arms early January. I grieve his presence nearly every day. The house doesn't seem as empty as it did back then; not looking down to check if he's underfoot anymore for instance.

I work as a mental health Peer Worker on a psychiatric hospital ward. It's a very rewarding job and I love it. It was difficult returning to the workplace due to fear, but my manager was great and let me ease into it.

Again, thanks for the welcome post. Will undoubtedly see you around the threads..

Nice to be back;

Sez (hugs)

Hey there lovely DB! I smiled seeing all your emoji's and heartfelt words; thankyou.

I've returned to lend a hand during the pandemic as I'm sure there's plenty of worried souls out there needing a kind word or two. What can I say? It's the perfect excuse to say hello to all you beautiful people who I've missed.

Yes, I cope with isolation quite well. I prefer it actually. The business you mentioned is ready to kick start, but I'm struggling with marketing it; not my expertise I'm afraid. Ah well, ne'r mind. Hopefully one day soon...

I see by your writing style you're in a good place atm. That makes me smile. We'll catch up over the coming days no doubt.

It was great hearing from you lovely DB.

Stay your zany self ok..

Love...Sez Chooky! xo

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Sez~

I'm sorry about you little dog, the mean so much. Zeppelin Dog passed away a while ago now, but has been replaced by Foxy Dog. Cats around too. I guess the menagerie is much like Thor's Hammer, with umpteen handle and heads over the years, but remains Thor's Hammer nevertheless.

Do you think you will get another dog in the future?

MH Peer Work must had been daunting to get into, though if it is not bad for you long-term then I think your rich life experiences will give you a breath of understanding most could not offer and probably great satisfaction. I'm glad your manager is realistic.

Croix

Peppermintbach
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Sez (& a wave to all),

Welcome back 🙂 I hope the past year has been good to you. It sounds as though a lot has happened.

Congratulations on your job role. I’m glad you’re finding it rewarding, & that your manager seems supportive.

But I’m sorry to hear about your self isolation. Although from the sounds of things, it looks as though you’re managing okay.

Also, my condolences for the loss of your dog. I feel it must be hard not to have him by your side every day. You must miss him daily...

Pepper xoxo

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Sara...🤗..

Im also so sad and sorry to hear of the loss of your fur baby..

Welcome back..it’s so nice seeing you back here with your BB family....I missed as I’m sure many more people have missed listening to your words of support on the forums...I have learned that one supporting post written to anyone here on the forums can help so many readers...Thank you for coming back...

Grandy....

Hey Sara!

Its been a while yet its great to see your thread back on the air 🙂 No apologies necessary...Having an extra hand on the forums would be wonderful as Volunteers/Champions like yourself are hard to find

Only if you wish to of course!...thankyou heaps for your help on the Coping with the Coronavirus thread too x

Hugs (if thats okay)

Paul

Sara

Great to catch up on you news and to see your name.

It is wonderful you have chosen this time to lend a hand. I am so sorry about your dog.

This year has been hard for me even before the virus as I lost by home and my wonderful shop in the bushfires on NYE 2019.

I remembered kind words you said to me when I was a first on the forum and your belief in your self and compassion for others and this has helped me,

Welcome back and great to have you on board.

Quirky