Getting to know you...or is that me?

[Just Sara]

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

[blondguy]

Hey Sara

I have always been a big fan of your intellect and your ability to provide such excellent support/counsel

You correctly mentioned "At the very least, all tobacco tax revenue should go towards new hospital beds and staff instead of a small portion going to lung cancer research and the rest being placed in the annual budget. It seems we're not the only ones addicted to the high from smokes hey?"

Im sorry for straying off topic Sara. I just wanted to mention that the Federal Government collected over $1,000,000,000/year in tobacco taxes before the recent price hikes. This product is legal.

Just my humble opinion if thats okay...The price hikes are good news to prevent young people taking up the habit. Smoking is an awful addiction to have and whether we quit shouldnt be considered a sign of 'strength'

My kindest as always Sara

Paul

[Just Sara]

Hi everyone!

BW...I'm putting my movie critique on the rainbow thread shortly ok. Thanx for asking about me too. I've been taking a sabbatical from BB; trying to acclimatise myself back into offline life. I must admit, not writing about mental health has been refreshing.

Big waves to Pepper, DB Chooky, Grandy, Quercus, Quirky, Croix and anyone I've so non intentionally forgotten to include. Mwah!!!

Paul...wow! A billion $ in tobacco revenue would fund some 'real' changes eh? I still crave btw, some days really big time. I haven't broken though. 🙂

Anyway people, I'm doing fine. Had a few down days, but coping well, as expected. It's funny you know; learning what to do with each trigger or situation is like dealing with a new job. It takes a while to learn the ropes, but once things are grasped, it becomes easier then automatic.

Take care lovelies;

Sez xoxoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez (and a wave to all),

I’m glad, despite a few rough days, that things seem to be going well for you. You seem to be easing into offline life well, which is great to hear 🙂

Also, congratulations on resisting smoking despite temptation. That’s a huge achievement!

Sending you well wishes...

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Good seeing you chooky 🤗

Congrats on the smokes huge. I too for approx a mth. Had 2 for 2 consecutive days. Ok cause I can do that but very difficult in mania staying off them

Good recovery which you might still be in progress but it wasnt long ago you were struggling understandably adjusting to stepping down from CC. You're always a champion and to yourself too, never forget to pat yourself on the back regularly lovey.

Hoping your sisters recovering well and your business planning/implementing cruising too.

Look after yourself chooky 🤗 💗

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara...

Its so good to hear that you are doing well...

Well done on the smokes, I’ve been off for going on 8 months now...Although wow some times I so much crave for them..can handle that better now....

I hope things are going well for you in the outside world..(off line).. and I am pleased your learning to deal with your triggers as they come....As our lovely Deebi said...Youre always a champion and always will be to me and others...Your one awesome, beautiful, person Sara, never forget that..

I hope that your business is going along good and it’s at the stage you want it to be....

Take really good care of you Sara, and always be gentle and kind to you...

Love and hugs Sez...🤗💜..

Grandy...

[Just Sara]

Wow! Thanks everyone...how beautiful.

I probably won't be on for a while after today. Spending time getting to 'know me' and 'be me' again is a full time job. Breaking long formed habits and creating better ones takes time and patience. Just like recovery hey?

Grandy, you always have the most glorious way of putting things. It warms the soul; thankyou. Congrats on 8 months free of tobacco. I didn't know you'd smoked. I hope you can enjoy the beauty and splendour that life has to offer; you so deserve it. Definitely a mirror to your soul. Take care beautiful Grandy... 🙂 xo

Hey DB; (the Chookinator) Congrats to you too on two 'baccy free days at a time. I tried around 20 times before I got it. It's so much harder when it seems to complement the MH scene; in your case, mania. I totally get it. So my lovely, be kind to yourself, take the bad days one moment at a time and revel in your greatness when you're able. I and others see it; I hope you do too. 🙂 xo

Butterfly Wings; thankyou for thinking of me. I appreciate your attention as life in general has been pretty bloody average for you at times. You've had many trials and tribulations young one. You're getting thru them though and that's a credit to your hard work and commitment. Don't worry honey, peace 'will' come. I think of you now and then my sweet. It's only natural after what we've gone thru together. 🙂 xo

Heart of hearts Pepper Girl; I'm sorry I haven't been as attentive as I could've been. I guess distancing myself was an attempt to make leaving you easier. You've been an inspiration and absolutely wonderful friend no doubt; I couldn't have asked for better. I truly miss 'us', but my sweetness, I miss my life more.

You're a good friend to many, giving of your wisdom, empathy and care with ease. I won't forget you or the love you've bestowed upon me. It stays with me always. How could it not?! Parting is such sweet sorrow...love you. xo

Till next time lovelies...

Sez xoxox

[startingnew]

Evening Sez

Im glad youve popped in, dont be too much of a stranger even though i know youll be busy recreating yourself and becoming 'you' again. I am so proud of how far youve come, its really inspirational from my point of view, while youve been following my journey ive also followed yours, so yes weve been through quite alot together huh. Whether your here or not, youll always be a mentor to me, without you im not to sure i would be breathing today. Thank you for everything, i really mean that xo

oh.. i read your review on the other thread, it sounds amazing and something ill probably end up watching myself. i hope you get to go again.

Anyways, i really hope your just as proud of yourself as we are of you. Gives a new meaning to 'ive made it' and 'living instead of surviving' hey. Keep on, keeping on lovely.

Sending my love, hugs and many butterflies to brighten any down days

xoxoxoxoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez,

All the best with everything. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I wish you well 🙂

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara,

Thank you for your kind words to me..I’m going to miss you so very much..

My one regret is not getting to know you sooner, in saying that.. I did get to know you and I am very honoured I have gotten to know you....and discovered the strong wonderful person you are....

Im not sure when you will be back online here...

When you do come back, you will find a beautiful bunch of dried Australian flowers, pine cones, gumnuts, leaves all encased in a glorious wooden frame and protected by glass...to keep them looking their best always...

Thank you for being you...You give people hope...

Love and hugs to you Dear Sez....💜🤗..

Grandy....

[Ggrand]

Hello Sara..

Im not sure if you’re reading this or not..I really want to wish you a very Happy, Highly Successful New Year.... Dear Sara....

I hope you are doing okay both in your physical and mental health...

Been thinking of you at times, and I continue to get help from your posts as so many others are, and will continue to get help from your wonderful caring posts....Isn’t it amazing that years later after we have retired from here, your/others posts continue to help those in need....

HAPPY NEW YEAR....DEAR SWEET SARA....

Love and hugs...💜💜🤗🤗..

Grandy..