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Getting to know you...or is that me?

Just Sara
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.

I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities. 

I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.

1,846 Replies 1,846

Thankyou so much Pepper Girl;

I know you're there as always. What a legend! Your words of support and encouragement are gratefully accepted. And yes, I'm taking it easy on myself. I've worked really hard to be where I am. No smokes, a little bit of money in the bank, a future business and, seeing daylight again. 🙂

Thankyou from my heart of hearts;

Sez xoxo

PS...Waves to DB, Grandy, BW and anyone else reading. Lub lub lub...!!

Sez xoxo

Lub lub to you too chooky 🤗
You do have a lot of major change going on in your life Sez and it sounds like your handling it all well.

I suggest try not to put yourself under too much pressure with the business as in take your time getting details sorted and not to rush which I think you're smart enough to be doing.

I imagine there would be a void stepping down from champion. Another change to adjust to. You'll never be forgotten and will always be appreciated hun, know that.

Hey congrats on giving up durrys, I get quite emotional too.

You're going to be ok Sez look how far you've come if ever you doubt yourself remember how strong and that you're a survivor girl.

Take really good care of yourself hun.

Good to see you ☺🤗💗

Awwwe DeeBee;

MWAH!!!!!!!!

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Sez~

I had hoped that changing to becoming an Alumni would not be too bad, and I must say you are displaying the resilience and strength you always have. Perhaps without a sense of obligation your posts to those in need are deeper with more time for reflection. Your posts in your Complex PTSD thread are an example.

Your giving up the smokes is a major step too.

I found anger at the exploitative companies that induced me as a very young person to take it up helped sustain me when the urges grew strong.

I would not be surprised if you current firmness with family members and stopping those buying habits are not related, another manifestation of strength.

You are surrounded by friends here

Croix

Hi dear Sez

Just dropping in tonread of your amazing achievements,successes and changes youve made. Super proud of you ❤

Oh also thank you for your beautiful post of the cptsd thread, i will be back to read the latest comments after the weekend- not coping with this thing we call life the past few days. Anyways thank you and your always welcome ❤

Love, hugs and many butterfly wishes 💚💙💛💖

Thankyou Croix;

It's really nice of you to drop by with such supportive words. We don't often cross paths these days, so seeing your avatar here was a nice surprise this morning. I hope life's treating you, your lovely wife and family cats well. Say "Hi" to Sumo for me. 🙂

Thanks for your encouraging comments about my writing on the cptsd thread. I didn't think of things that way, but you're right, I do feel a little more at ease without the responsibility of a CC. It just took some adjustment time to 'cross over'. lol

Acknowledging what I've achieved in my post above was an eye opener. I think many of us underestimate our strength and staying power. When I put everything down on the same page, it looked quite daunting. "Wow! Have I done all that?" 🙂

It could be something for our members to contemplate when they start self doubting or berating themselves.

Yes, cigarette companies have a lot to answer for, but like any co-dependent relationship, our govt also needs to step up and acknowledge their role in things. In reality, they should be made illegal.

At the very least, all tobacco tax revenue should go towards new hospital beds and staff instead of a small portion going to lung cancer research and the rest being placed in the annual budget. It seems we're not the only ones addicted to the high from smokes hey?

Have a nice Sunday and keep up the great work! I'm off to meet up with family for a birthday get together. I'm not sure if the weather's going to last though. Storms are brewing on the horizon. (Sheesh! I hope that's not a Freudian slip)

Take care ok;

Sez xo

Hi Sez (a wave to all),

I’m glad things are settling and even looking up. I hope you enjoyed the birthday celebration with your family yesterday 🙂

Love, H x H’s

Pepper xoxo

startingnew
Community Member

Hi Sez

just popping in to see how your going?

xoxo

Hi Sez,

i wont be around much of the weekend so i wanted to wish you an early Happy Birthday. I hope the movie is a good one and im looking forward to hearing what you thought of it

Xoxoxo