feeling so lonely and isolated

[hope4joy]

hi everyone, I feel kinda guilty posting here because I haven't been active on the forums for a month or two. I guess I just need to vent and reach out a bit as I can't seem to stop crying today. i guess the main thing is i feel overwhelming loneliness. its horrible because my life outwardly is going so well, in terms of doing things and studying in an area that i love. but it seems my loneliness is something that always comes and haunts me, or plagues me or is just my reality in life. i'm okay with being alone and spending time by myself. but i struggle to maintain many close friendships. its like i'm getting worse at it the older i get. and i seriously have so few people in my life that matter and hardly anyone i can ring up and ask to catch up with. and it seems i al always the one initiating contact with others, no one really makes an effort to spend time with me. i keep having something go round and round in my head, something that a friend said to me that at a certain point in her life she realised she didn't like who she was and she decided she had to change. in many ways i think i'm a caring, funny and sensitive friend, i'm good at encouraging people and being kind. but i suck at meeting my own needs and i think i often don't really share my mind or heart, i sort of withdraw. and when i'm stressed or sad or whatever then i pull back further - when this is when i most need support. sometimes i can feel really awkward in group social situations at night, and feel so out of place, and not know how to make small talk. i'm just so tired and distraught at not having a full loving life. am i a horrible person? what can't i seem to hold on to friendships? i was thinking to ask my one close friend for her honest feedback on why i suck at friendship cause sometimes it is much more obvious to other people, but i don't want to freak her out or put strain on our friendship. so yeah. i guess just many many tears of alone-ness. and the sad thing is i don't know how to solve it. maybe i am just a horrible person who is destined to be perpetually alone? and it is horrible that this was the trauma of my childhood - from about age 7 to 12 or so i lived in a home with an alcoholic dad and older sister and spent so much time in nature climbing trees and swimming - on my own. maybe i never learnt how to properly be around people and its gonna hinder me forever? sorry to be so self absorbed right now 😞 thanks for reading

[hope4joy]

Hi Pipsy, it sounds like you've done some great travel. Too bad (or good?) you didn't see king kong!

And hello Qld Mouse,

thank you for you kind and supportive words, I really appreciate it. I feel like I've just started to recover from this bout of depression. I'm smiling a lot more (my favourite smiles are when i go to bed smiling or wake up that way - i do enjoy telling myself some good jokes!). And my energy is getting better. I went swimming today though and did see how tired my body is, I feel like I need to build it up and rehabilitate a bit, before I'll be at full strength again. My new meds might also be causing a little bit of tiredness, so I'll try changing to taking them in the evening more so (I need to split the dose) to see if that helps. Yesterday for work I looked after a 1 year old and a 3 year old - the first time ever! When I cam home I lay on the floor for about 15 minutes before I could get up - from chasing that 1 year old around for four hours straight! It really showed how much my mood has picked up because previously I would have felt overwhelmed and barely able to cope, and would have cried the minute I got in my car to leave out of sheer relief. Problem is the family are so happy with my they want me back again - but it is such hard work! I do find kids wonderful - well anyone who has that magical beautiful way of seeing and exploring the world around them.

How has your weekend been Qld Mouse? And just thinking, do you have many supports in your life? Like the professional ones like a good GP, psychologist and/ or psychiatrist? I kinda hat having to access professional supports - and paying for someone to be kind and listen - but then i guess i accept that i need it, and feel blessed to have great people at least.

And thanks for your reassurance about the 'urban myths' in the US. Your comment about Canberra made me smile - I'm not from there (and apologies to people who are) - but I did the relocate to Canberra for a gov job about 10 years ago and lived there for a couple, and it is a mighty odd place. And yes, lots of break ins and really bad drivers. And rising on the cycle paths one had to watch out for hitting kangaroos! I think the high transient population made it a weird sort of culture, if you hadn't grown up there - kinda hard to become apart of.

...

[hope4joy]

oops, suddenly looked up and I was -725 words down!

...Although they do have the best market in Australia (by my reckoning) - the rotary market inMcQuarie - I just loved going there, the farmers drove in the night before and slept in their vehicles and hence you could buy fresh produce straight from the farm and get to know the growers.I always bought way too much because they were all so friendly and I wanted to support them!

And yes Qld Mouse, i travelled for about 12 years, staying in places 6-12 months on average, sometimes longer. Had 26 homes in ten years... way too many. But does make for many experiences and memories.
Sounds like you have some pretty good travel tales of your own to share 🙂

Yes people are fascinating. Are you a fan of people watching at airports? It is such a mixed and interesting crowd.

Stay dry!

Kind regards,

Christina 🙂

[N_]

Thank you for sharing! I cannot tell you how much of what you said resonated with me. You are not alone. I feel the exact way. I also ask myself if it is a repercussion of my individualistic childhood. I too want to confide in my one close friend but I'm too scared I'll scare her off. I've never really been able to open up or share myself with friends and I feel like that's why people disappear from my life. It is a lonely thought to think you may be the only one, but I'm proof that you're not. This leads me to ponder, how do you connect in the real world with others who feel similarly alone and isolated? If we could all just find each other somehow, things would be much easier and we would be understood for what we're going through. For now I can only suggest to do what I'm doing and join a sports team or dance class, perhaps even begin something random like a cooking class at Tafe. Keep trying, things are becoming better.

[Neil_1]

Hi all,

Sorry have been away from the site for a short while and oh boy, this thread has blossomed into something really awesome. So much chat and sharing of thoughts and feelings and experiences; it really has been awesome to read through.

Though I guess one main question I do have is to Christina … how much longer do you have till you jet out and head for San Jose? And once there, how long will you be there? AND I really do apologise if you’ve mentioned this during the above posts.

I haven’t been to the States, but I have been to Canada, or at least the part of Canada that has: Calgary, Edmonton, then up into the Rockies to Jasper and Banff; then to Vancouver. Absolutely beautiful. We drove and it was just beyond words some of the sites we saw. Captured so many amazing photos.

Neil

[white knight]

Hi Christina

I like learning from others. And comparing symptoms.

For me, I can be logical and have confidence. But I can be emotional and have low self esteem. A contradiction I know.

The result if this is confusion. Its OK, let's not get too concerned about this. It gets too deep and we can forget to be happy.

I'm 60yo now. Every day I'm down and unhappy I feel I'm wasting my pre twilight days away. So, when gappy days come around I grab hold of them and love them.

Too late at night, too sleepy, not making sense haha.

Glad you are OK. Great mob here.

Tony WK

[hope4joy]

Hi Neil,

its really nice to hear from you. And yes, the thread has brought lots of interesting and thoughtful and funny sharing, I'm feeling quite at home! Today I seem drawn to the little dog in your profile pic. Sorry if it has been like that for ages, but it stands out today. Who is she/he?

And I don't think I've mentioned when I'm leaving Neil - it is in 5 weeks time, at the end of July. And as to duration, originally it was for one semester but it was recently approved for two semesters, so that'll mean about 11 months, or returning in June 2017. So its quite a big deal! It also means that when I come back to uni here I will be with the cohort in the year below me. To go for a year I'm only studying a 75% load which means I have subjects to catch up when I'm back. I keep flipping between excitement and fear. Yesterday was feeling quite afraid so went to yoga which helped settle me. I've travelled lots and lived overseas before but this time seems like an especially big deal. To be honest I'm scared of being lonely/ isolated over there.I will have full health insurance so will try to find a counsellor when I first arrive. And I hope people are as friendly as everyone says. And I guess its good now having some stability on my anti-d medication, to help buffer the experience. I also think I might just have a really great time! Lots to organise though, will fly to Sydney tomorrow to apply for a visa - it must be done in person. And am trying to arrange storage and all sorts of bits and pieces. Its good to have the uni holidays to do that.

It interesting, because I've travelled so much previously people think I'm just off on another one of my adventures - but really this feels quite different - and I will be returning to finish my degree after. Yeah I'm not quite sure what the feeling is, but its certainly different.

Your travels in Canada sound amazing Neil. I've not been there before but some of the names conjure beautiful scenery just from having heard them before.

Kind regards,

Christina

[hope4joy]

Hi Tony WK,

really nice to hear from you. And you sound very much human Tony! The contradictions of emotional and intellectual come up all the time for me. Its funny because this is a big part of my art - striving to find balance between my intuitive playful self and my more structured, rational self. I love it when I can make art that brings these two aspects of myself together. I also explore other dialectics like balance and disharmony and refined versus incomplete.

It also reminds me of a component from DBT Tony, called the 'wise mind'. That was all about trying to help us make decisions from both the rational self and the emotional self. Too rational and life can be very unfulfilling, too emotional and life can be an up and down merry go round and very short-term focussed. In DBT they stressed accepting both parts are real and valid, but then using all the information to make a decision. For me a common example was say someone let me down. Emotionally I'd be very distraught and would never want to speak to them again. Intellectually I might see that they have been in my life for x years and have been a giving consistent friend for most of that time. And it could help me put things in perspective, and to better make choices about the current moment. It really is a very interesting topic, I'm guessing there must be a fair bit of info on the web about. It has really helped me be able to start to long at long term goals and benefits and to stay in situations when they're hard because I realise that they're important to me and where I'd like t get to longer term. Anyways, that's just one take on it.

Yes indeed, its a great mob here!

Kind wishes,

Christina 🙂

[hope4joy]

Hi N,

thank you so much for sharing. Its a great suggestion to do something that is team orientated, to find a way to become more connected to community. And you're right, there is something powerful in knowing we're not alone. Its strange too because I immediately feel empathy for your situation in a way that I'm unable to do for myself. I really like your idea of trying to connect to other people like us. Sometimes I get so frustrated by my anxiety around people and wish I could just be myself, and if I'm upset, to cry and let out my pain and how I'm feeling. I broke down to sobbing with my close friend a couple of weeks ago and I think it has strengthened our friendship. Its nice to know that even if I fall apart that I'm still likeable and a good friend. I think that is the problem for me too, N, that I need to always seem composed and 'together' and not faltering. Really it doesn't help me because I just come across as cold or aloof or simply as a little boring. I wonder if you could test opening up a little more with your close friend? Although by the sounds of it you're already growing and opening. Its nice to share this journey with you. And I'm sorry to hear that you had a lonely childhood too. Are you good at disappearing into your own imagination? I did that, as well as spending a lot of time outside/ in the bush/beach near where I lived.

Kind wishes,

Christina 🙂

[Neil_1]

Dear Christina,

You’re not on your own … I’m drawn to that little dog every day … she was my beautiful Mum’s dog (Tess) and in about a week’s time she’ll be 17. That’s not a bad innings … she’s getting quite wonky on her legs, but we’ve got her on some pain relief tablets which seem to be helping her; plus the little mite’s cataracts over her eyes are getting a little worse also. Age in some respects is catching up with her, but her enthusiasm for coming inside of a morning or anything food related is amazing.

Then when she’s on her ‘beddie’ in front of the TV (next to our other dog, Jack, who’s on his) and she begins to roll and turn and she gets all fluffed up and fuzzy looking. She just gets so incredibly cute looking.

I think the main thing you can keep in the forefront of your mind is that you HAVE travelled a lot before. That will hold you in very good stead for this upcoming trip. I know when we recently travelled over to Japan (early April), it was a big effort for me – but also having travelled before, you kind of know what to expect; even from the planes, to the boarding, to being on a plane and then getting out the other end and the queueing, etc etc. Having been there, done that helps a lot and I know you’ll be fine getting through that side of things.

I was hearing someone who has just got back from an American holiday and the overwhelming aspect about it all is how friendly people are over there, especially when they hear the Australian accent. That’s another thing I think you can pack into your memory bank as well, which should hopefully go a long way to helping with a smooth and easy transition there.

One thing stood out massively for me in your latest post as well, where you said: “I also think I might just have a really good time!” Also keep that sentence close by, because I honestly think you will as well.

Please though, don’t be concerned if you do experience some ‘down times’; cause you know they will pass and you can then continue on, on this amazing new chapter that you’ve got coming up.

Lastly, don’t be too concerned about having to catch-up when you get back – the others who you’ll be joining in with, will not have had the amazing life experiences that you will be getting this year.

Kind regards

Neil

[QldMouse]

Hi Christina, Hi Neil,

Oh Christina I've so excited and happy for you, I hope you have your visa stamp now and had a good time in Sydney.

Neil has some great advice there, and I have to think that as a young single Australian woman in the US, you will be very popular. My daughter told me once that the US boys were much more polite that Aussie one's, she would know she always seemed to have a trail of them following her. Somehow I survived that time!!

Neil is right, there is SO MUCH to do in the US, join something or several somethings and have a huge time. (See I can be taught, I did notice the bold and italic buttons!!!).

Can't wait to hear the adventures. As Neil rightly said, don't worry about catching up, you will be so far ahead. That real world experience will be worth many semesters of classes. I've hired a lot of people in my time, and I know my peers and I always looked for attitude and experience first, fluffy bits of paper well after that.

Neil, hope your keeping those dogs nice and warm.