Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

You're right Quirky,

We all just stuck it up cos we can't upset 'the boss'

My daughter told me this morning she got an invite to his son's 21st. I knew nothing about so mentioned it to M. Turns out it's just his friends, dress up party. M & sis looking after the bar to control the drinking. Apparently organised few weeks ago. He asked if little miss & I would swing by for a few hours, think he felt bad. Seriously, why would we go? So we can watch hubby &wife serving drinks? I knew nothing about it yet I'm his partner. Sick of being ' added on' just cos I'm his partner...3rd time now. Not doing it again.

He & sis can play mummy & daddy, no need for me to waste my time there.

[CMF]

I'm so upset. Trying to stop myself from sending M a message to express hurt.

No family are invited, just friends but He & sis have organised it all few weeks ago but not a word about it to me. I had to find out from my daughter. Guess if it's him & sis involved I don't matter. Why would I? 😔

[CMF]

Funny thing did happen. M bought a new bike , one he's always wanted, & the brand coincidentally has my name & a love heart in it. He rode to work today but told me he rides his old bike to work during the week & keeps the new bike (with my name) for the weekends.

Haha...I told him 'just like me'. Maybe just a bit of sarcasm in there.

[Guest_1584]

oooo , don't think l'd do to well being third sorry. l wonder if it's that he doesn't think to mention things or just avoidance bc he knows you won't like it.

Funny , we don't really fight very much at all but if people were listening sometimes they'd think we were bc we get loud sometimes but it's not in a fighting way or bad way. l dunno what you'd call it , spanish maybe haha. We both have about the exact same tolerance level and switch. Not to anger, just to volume haha but it always makes me laugh, it's so comfortable, cool.

[CMF]

Yeah, he doesn't think to mention cos it's not important to him. He's glad he's not throwing the party, just helping so he can control the drinking. He doesn't even know how many kids are going. M just provided the free venue cos it's at his work.

I think he knew he put his foot in it when he said 'sis & I will be there serving drinks after knowing i didnt even know about it. We've just had another chat about him & sis with her wantingnew chairs, new tv for THEIR house. The married couple & here it is in my face again. He can't deny it, it's everywhere, that's why it's so awkward but of course it's me over reacting. Right? Also the fact I didn't even know about the party, yet I'm part of his family, one of them. He tried to make up for it by asking 'what do you think, can you & little miss swing by for a few hours?' Seriously, why would I. Im an add on AGAIN, added on after invites are out just out of obligation. He heard me stumbling with my words as I just didn't know what to say. Told him 'yeah ..I don't know. I'll see closer to the date'. It confused me cos whoke thing organised weeks ago yet not a word to me. I went really quiet, he asked what else was new. When I said 'nothing' he uncomfortably told me about the venue what it has etc. Bit late for that. He then said they'd have a cake at home the week before on a Friday night. Yeah...whatever. do I really care now?

[CMF]

Just saw 5.55. See it alot lately.

The angel number 555 urges you to let go of things that are old and no longer working for you. You should also welcome the new things that will be coming in to replace them

Hmmm...maybe i should let go of my negativity toward her & manifest for sis to move on when I see this. I need to think positive to bring in the changes 😊.

[Guest_1584]

Well , don't be too hard on yourself . Not so easy letting go of it when it's in your face and relationship 3 yrs.

355 eh , l don't get numbers , l get letters and words. l met and insane l think it was 8, or 10 people or something like that,over a few mths earlier, with names beginning with T.

l knew something was going on and was pretty sure l could feel her and, met gf , name began with T. That was the last T person after that haha.

[Guest_1584]

Ooops, 5.55, hmmm, hope l didn't jinx it. Wonder what 3.55 means then.

Speaking of T , do you know she was waiting at a crossing 2wks before we met and a car beside her had my name on it's plate. She wouldn't normally even notice , she wouldn't even know what a number plate is she doesn't drive never owned a car. But it stuck in her mind and she knew too, she mentioned it 5mins after we met actually and l told her about the T.

[CMF]

Wow...that's a sign for sure.

Do you look back on that & think there's a reason you're meant to be together?

I'm over the bday thing. We're having a family afternoon tea for it. I know the party is just his mates but it hurts that it w planned weeks ago, he ,& sis have organised themselves to look control the drinks yet we talk every night & have weekends together but not a word to me. On top of that he asks if I wanna swing by for a few hours. Like I haven't been an 'add on' enough times this year already.

I know M doesn't care about the party, his son is organising & paying but still jf he he & wife are so involved could at least tell me.

[CMF]

What he doesn't realise is that I'm not gonna compete for his attention when sis is around.

When she takes over & he's focused on her I will switch off everything.

He'll have to sort that out. I'm not interested in being a part of their 'marriage '