Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Well , funny , but l'd do exactly the same, no way l'd wanna get drawn into some competing thing and it'd make me hold back if anything and not bother. You shouldn't have to.

The party thing l mean that's a pretty big sorta doo, hard to believe it'd be going on wks and he doesn't even mention it. Still think he was avoiding your sis thing.

Yeah we do , we've had many other things since over the yrs. She was just talking about them last night actually and said well if we do take a pause or break , what about all the signs we've had, doesn't seem right and l know what were they for if we only break up anyway, but ldk what else to do with it

[CMF]

I agree, probably avoiding the sis thing & waiting till closer to the date...but his son sent invite to my daughter so I guess I found out earlier

[CMF]

Well, well...sis' new man is sleeping there tonight. M met him ,& said he's lovely. I mentioned to his house was very quiet. He said his boys were in their rooms, sis & her man were upstairs in her room. I was tempted to ask M why he didn't go up there & intrude, deny them space/privacy, crowd them like she does to us. Shes not stuck in the family room watchingtv with M hanging around them,but we get stuck with her. She just gets it all her way. The Boss. Anyway, I'm hoping the new man finds it weird to sleep there with her brother & kids. Any normal person would 🙄

[Guest_1584]

Yeah l know l would, wonder if that makes me normal. Nah , that couldn't be right.

Here's a thought , can you and m go to his room ? Although sis might wanna come to , couldn't resist.

[CMF]

Hey rx,

M's room doesn't have a TV & he has his boys, i have little miss etc. Tbh I'd find it rude to hideaway in there unless we were getting ready for bed. Sis & her man/men go up there to watch TV then go to bed.

You are right though, she probably would follow lol.

[CMF]

We have another bday end of this month. M got the invite in Feb but of course didn't to tell me, just like he didn't tell me about his sons. Guess I'm not important enough to be told. I did co firm I was actually invited, not just an afterthought. M as if someone could look after little miss as it's a Saturday night. My older d will. Funny how he wants me at functions with him,& asks if someone can look after little miss so I can go. He likes me there with him & i always make the effort but he can't address the sis issue at all to make me happy. I can palm off my daughter for him, he can't deal with his sis for me.

[CMF]

Last week when talking about the chair's sis wants M told me she has lots of money to spend & lives for NOW. She wants things now. That's fine but what about our NOW? M & I are in our 50's & she is taking up our NOW.

[Guest_1584]

Funny , l've been flat broke and struggling like never before and l've been in sis's position. The weirdest is though having money but there's just nothing l need or want, for me that's a really strange feeling.

But boy , do l get the now , as you know. Unfortunately our now is nowhere in sight and l know just how damn annoying and frustrating it is.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah, I'm sick of having to accommodate her & getting nothing in return. It's always a 'suck it up' situation.

I've already told him I don't know how much longer I can do this yet here we are still doing it.

Every Friday I feel the anxiety/negativity set in about the weekend.

[Guest_1584]

lt's very understandable tbh l'd find all that very hard if not even lasting this long bc l'm a people person when l am , but most of the time l like our own private world.lt'd help if m just genuinely felt the same as you but he's such a people and sis person that tbh, it doesn't even bother him that's only about keeping you happy, shame.

rx