Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Little confused about sis too. She mentioned her ex was loud & always needed attention. She says she doesn't need attention but her social media suggests otherwise. I told her there where things the ex did that i couldn't have tolerated. She said lots of things annoyed her too about his behaviour but they were planning a future & kids. She has this new man, been 3 weeks but already sleeping over his place etc as he lives 40mins away. Her ex is sending her messages saying she's the bad one calling her rude & saying he has no shame for cheating on her. He still owes her $5000 from the $20000 she lent him. She wants her money so she can cut ties completely. In the meantime, new guy had Covid & is telling her he misses her & excited to see her. Her reaction was 'Really? That's sweet'. She admits she's not used to a sweet guy still there after less than week but not excited he misses her. She keeps saying she's not going to rush things.BIt late. He lives 40mins away. She stays over cos it gets too late to drive home & if she has to work next day it's too far. .He's looking for a house there as he needs something with space due to 2 big boats & big car. Her place is nowhere near big enough, so I asked, if thing's progress (& he seems pretty keen) would she be prepared to move there. I did say it's a long way down the track and she def agreed , but does need to consider this. She's 42 wants kids,he lives 40mins away from her/her work. She's jumped into his bed, he seems to really like her but she's still not completely done with the ex & not sure if she could live that far. She did tell him he may end up buying a house with someone (wink wink) down there or she may invest there & work 3 straight days at her clinic but what's she thinking? Is she gonna stay with M the days she works? Her man works shifts, 4 days on 4 days off & 2 are night shifts 6pm to 6am.

I'm confused as there's a lot of 'up in the air' stuff, they hardly know each but she's jumped right in within a month of the other one which isn't closed off yet. No one knows about new guy cos it's so soon & new & the other one's not done.

I really hope she knows what she's doing & doesn't hurt this guy. I feel she's still hurting from the ex, arguing in texts, posting on social media, but trying to look like she doesn't care. New guy is a very quick rebound,hope he's not too nice for her. I'm a little confused at what she's doing. This tough, strong, independent woman seems all over the shop.

[Guest_1584]

Ah don't be too hard on yourself , so you'd like m to be a bit more this or that about his life, sis , you and him, so what. We like what we like personally l only start getting messed up if l need to start messing with that. Right person all that just goes away and there's just an at one bc your both just whoever you are at your core. One of the huge reasons l've persisted with gf's bc all that's so important to me . But eh there's always things to though isn't there, l suppose it's just about then do they matter.For us where to live could mess all that soooo, always something ! Unfortunately you guys sound like you have a peace away from m's and at different times and situations but back in his world they don't quite gel as well, tough call. Some getting away together is really important for you guys .

Sis yeAh way too soon , she did the same thing last time Jezuz. Maybe this time it turns out to be real in the end eh .

rx

[CMF]

You're so right. I haven't slept well & Mrs done nothing wrong . He does leave early for his ride and doesn't sleep well here lol. It would have stuffed him up. He expected to get home & do washing, clean the house but had visitors all arvo so was kept busy. Dinner was lovely. I had alone/chat time with sis which I enjoyed. Sauce making...whatever it is is what it is. I did tell his Mum & sis to do whatever suits them. If it's Sunday I may bring little miss as I'd love her to experience it. Her dad has a lot of crap going on & it's draining me. He is draining me. It was sis who brought up that M & I go out for lunch Sunday's. That was thoughtful. Told M I'll go round later & it works for him as he has work to prepare for tomorrow as we are out tonight. Us having lunch was thoughtful of him but it's worked our for both as I'm exhausted & have housework, he's got work to do. ALL GOOD.

Thx rx, you always make me see things in a better light.

[Tess2]

Take heart CMF,

whilst I am not a cyclist, I once knew one, he was obsessive. He would change his routine if we had plans but it was very much the centre of his world.

Enjoy the sauce making.

I think you are a very patient and tolerant person, but if you love each other then it is worth some struggle

tess

[CMF]

Thank you Tess,

Hope you are keeping well. We did have a giggle tonight. We were talking about how much we are looking forward to our few days away at Easter. M asked 'would you mind if I brought...my bike'. Told him of course not, that I expected he would & that little miss and I might bring ours. I then chuckled & to him I thought was going to ask if he could bring...and he finished off saying a member of his family (sis). I couldn't stop laughing but he was unimpressed haha. I told him thought he was going to saying for a joke. Anyway. I found it funny. We had his Uncle's bday tonight & sis drove us. As she has a sports car & road we're winding it's a rough ride in the back & when we arrived I felt like throwing up & felt sick all night. They suggested I sit in the front coming home so she let M drive which as really nice.

Cmf x

[CMF]

Another thing that made me giggle. On the way to the bday dinner M & I were sitting in the back of her car. M was recalling a bike incident & said to me 'Remeber when I told you the story about.. ' sis jumped in & said 'yep' before he'd even finished his sentence. I think she then realised he was talking to me not her 🙄

[CMF]

So I'm thinking/overthinking. I planned a little time away over Easter for M & I. He had mentioned another weekend away he was interested in May. I noticed last week he mentioned the May getaway but it involved his kids, sis & Mum. I wonder if he would organise a getaway just for us or would it have to involve everyone for him? Knowing how obligated he feels to them, would he feel bad not inviting them? I know with the April getaway I had to I initiate it, but he was very very busy with work. I know the summer getaway we all go to is organised by his sis. I'm really curious now if he could do it. Organise a trip for us that doesn't involve them. No doubt sis would involve herself if she saw him organising something. It would end up being something she chooses I reckon lol.

[CMF]

I always get these silly thoughts as the weekend nears lol.

[CMF]

Well I had a little chuckle tonight. M came for dinner. You may remember his sis used to message him & it annoyed me so much like she just can't leave us alone. Well tonight I got a message...from her. She was responding to little miss' bday invite saying she's coming. I had to laugh cos she could tell me anything but chose tonight when I'm with M. I just feel like she always has to make her presence know lol. I also giggled as I bought M a new dish rack like mine. They have an expensive one that sis found on sale. When M told her I'd bought them one she commented that she liked her one. My response to M was that she could move back into her own house & use hers that she loves. We both chuckled about it & he agreed. I do think he has realised now & I've been cracking jokes about it. Jokes but I mean it . Hopefully it's sunk in properley this time 🙄

[CMF]

So I'm getting sick of my thoughts/feelings heing invalidated. I have family in NSW who have lost everything in the floods. I was told it doesn't matter cos in the Ukraine people are losing their lives. I had anxiety over something this morning, I was snapped at. Asked why I have anxiety. 'OMG, Shane Warne has died' . That apparently is more important than my anxiety. If someone's actions upset me, the other person is defended even though they are not important in his life ie it's a friend of his son or new gf of his friend. When my cousin's daughter died at 18 (assisted ) after a long battle with cancer his hew fence was more important cos he knew how I felt from my text message. No empathy, no hug, not a word about it, just talk about the new front fence.

Do I over react? Are my thoughts/feeling less important than these other things?