Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

The time away sounds like just what the doctor ordered , nice one.

You got her married of to this guys already haha , good for you. A boat on the water eh , must be a decent size boat , might go live with them myself haha.Don't think you'll need to send the message though , m's finally putting 2 and 2 together. Actions will do the trick without causing any upsets be a nicer way to go wouldn't you think. Your probably itching to let it just slip out into send though nonetheless eh.

[CMF]

Oh no, I don't mean THAT text lol. I just mean a text in general, just to interrupt them haha.

I wouldn't do that, not my style. If I know she's spending time with him I'd leave them be.

Yep,got them living over there, by the water. Sound so serene...for everyone 🙂

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh , yeah l could imagine.

Still seems too fast again to actually go anywhere butttt, they do sound like a pretty good match on the surface never know eh, we'll cross all.

Have a good Monday.

00

[CMF]

Well I have to have a little giggle & an eye roll.

Was telling M about my female colleague getting tattoo sleeve that is going to cost $6000 all up. We were both thinking what we could do with $6000 & M asked if I told her it was a waste of money (he hates tattoos) . Of course I wouldn't say that. 1. It's her money she can do what she wants 2. She would become very offensive & he knows that. We sit in a small area, would make it awkward to work together. He claims he would say it to a work colleague, I insisted he wouldn't, he's adamant he would.

You can where the eye roll comes in right?

He would tell a work colleague their $6000 tattoo is a waste of money (something that's none of his business) but he can't kindly ask his sis to give us a little breathing space (something that affects us personally)

I have realised out of the 2 of them she's more like a man in every way. Tall, dominant,tough, controls and he's the woman. Patient, gentle,non confrontational, tidy.

Go figure 🙄

[Guest_1584]

6 grand for a sleeve , crikey. She'd get it for 400 in Taiwan and a 2wk holiday thrown in and still have a few k change but hey let her waste her 6k.

Eye rolls eh ummm, yeah , l might have noticed.

rx

[CMF]

Hehehe...I know right.

I'm always saying they're like a married couple, now I realise who's hubby who's wifey.

Ok. I'm being a little silly 🤪

[quirkywords]

CMF

yes it is funny how people will say if it was me I would tell them but in reality they know the would not.

of the qualities you list that a woman may have I only have one but I have none of the male.

Not sure what that makes me! I think there are gender stereotypes but most of us are a combination of different traits.

Glad you booked your trip away at Easter. Does sis know she is not coming.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky,

Yes, we do have stereo types don't we. I wonder we how I'd feel if M was like her? I like his easy going nature but feel he needs to speak up at times, not let her control him.

Not sure if she knows we're going away without her lol.

Hope you're well dear Quirky 🙂

[CMF]

I've been thinking of how I've stereotyped them. I didn't even realise I'd done it lol. I am a little old fashioned but open minded.I have realised it's my upbringing. My Dad was 'the boss' , my Mum was gentle, kept the house clean etc. M & his boys call sis 'the boss' . Says it all I think lol.

Cmf

[CMF]

Been awake since 4.30am, just cannot get back to sleep. Too much on my mind. M came over Friday night but didn't stay as he needed to get up at 6.30am to go cycling &didn't want to wake everyone. I guess he also wanted a good night's sleep. It's all understandable but he messaged me Goodmorning at nearly 7.30am &only cycled with 1 guy, not a group. Maybe I'm overthinking it. His bday yesterday. We all had dinner there. Was a warm day, thought he might invite little miss for a swim but didn't. He'd had guests all arvo but when we got there at 5.30pm he was in the pool and his cousin's 8yo was there & had been in & wanted company. I said thanks for the swim invite (sarcasm). He said he just jumped in as hadn't showered yet. Tonight we have his Uncle's 70th. M has a work commitment will be home around 1pm. We're leaving for the bday around 4.30pm so he suggested I go over around 1 & we'll go out for lunch...or have leftovers. I really don't want to sit there for 3 hours if sis is home. Even though it's been ok I just don't want to. It's gonna be warm, I'll be dressed for the bday so not gonna sit by the pool. Might suggest I go there st 4pm, then they can sit by the pool or whatever. Next weekend they are planning to make pasta sauce, a tradition & takes a day. It may be on Sunday but M has work commitment till lunchtime then sis mentioned it's our lunch date day (nice). I'd love to help & for little miss to see it so I suggested Saturday. Sis & his mum work till 1pm, I offered to get it started till they get home but it's too big a job for 1 so I suggested M skip his ride that day, we can get started then they help when they get home. Maybe he was joking but he was shocked to skip his ride. I'll be peeved if he can't offer to sacrifice his ride but can sacrifice our day out. He's got his new bike trainer toy, he can make up for the ride.

I'm just drained. So upbeat at work but come Saturday I'm negative & drained. I'm going to start paying more attention to what he's prepared to sacrifice & where I come into things. If I'm always gonna come 2nd he'll know about it.

Cmf