Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I ended up calling this arvo to see if he was feeling better. He then asked what was wrong. Asked what wrong with me seeing as I called him then wasn't talking. Told him I called to see I'd he was feeling better after biting my head off earlier. Told him yes, it is very sad news about Shane Warne but it was not a reason to invalidate why I was anxious. He told me he also had sad news about an old work colleague. She's in her 40's and has cancer spread through all her organs. No symptoms or warnings, just felt a little off one day. He commented it was a crap day. I guess he deals with these things differently to me. We were going there for dinner, thank goodness sis was at the new man's house. He cooked a lovely dinner & suggested we watch a nice family movie with little miss. The 3 of us snuggled on the couch. He commented 'how's the serenity'.

[CMF]

I have noticed last few weeks he's been a little cocky/arrogant & don't know why. Couple of weeks ago my older daughter found out a friend had been diagnosed with anxiety & depression. M looooves this kid. He's good-looking, great musician, oozes confidence. When I told M about the diagnosis his reaction was 'oh gees another one'. Yesterday he snapped at me for saying I had some anxiety ' oh what are you anxious about now'. Last night little miss said she was saving for a phone. She said she 'might get a flip phone' M said ' get an iPhone, they're better'. I was not happy & suggested that maybe he thought he was 'better'. Don't know where this arrogance is coming from but I'll be keeping an eye on it. He's list alot of weight from cutting out sugar. I think he looks too skinny & don't find it attractive at all. He reminds me of girls who think stick thin looks great. I haven't said anything to him. He loves me cos I'm real & so down to earth. I can't deal with someone who's opposite.

Cmf 😔

[CMF]

Having a blew with older daughter & her attitude. I'd love to go to M's to offload, have a coffee but I can't cos sis will be there. It's so stuffed, can't even go to my partner's when I need to.

[CMF]

Every weekend I start to get grumpy. Wondering if we will have time to ourselves. Went to M's for dinner & happy sis wasn't there. Just M me & little miss. Lovely dinner & a family movie.

When I stop focussing on what I don't want I get what I do want 😊

[quirkywords]

CMF

i think your last line can be true in many situations,

[CMF]

So true Quirky. Went to a 21st tonight with M, his boys & sis. M wrote the card & showed sis but not me. Sis was telling me about her man. All good, till we were talking to some people at the party. sis on one side of M,me on the other. Sis went to get a drink , came back & stood right in between us. She held his drink so he could eat. The good wife. Unbelievable. She is just all over him. She was then explaining how he's divorced but she moved in with them & they all live together. talking with M about his son like they're a married couple.

Anyway 3's a crowd & I was feeling dizzy. Older daughter wanted to go out so I used the excuse I had to get hone for little miss & left..

[Guest_1584]

Crikey , that is one very full on sis wifey you got yourself there.

Not being female, or a sister , l have no idea why a 40 something sister would wanna be like that, especially when he has a partner.

Lets hope this new man goes somewhere eh , and sis goes with him.

rx

[CMF]

I know right. Despite that it has been better as I keep asking how the new man is & things an interesting, offering suggestions, pointing out how nice he is. He sounds like a true gentleman who really appreciates her. She deserves that after the last 2. She's going away this week with a gf & couple days with him. M is her big bro. Used to take her to school, pick her up after work or a night out. I suppose she wants to return the favour but she's full on. Interestingly, 2 of her friends had readings with my card lady. They were SPOT ON. Goes to show my 1st reading where she told me sis is controlling with M, he won't stand up to her, watch my back with her etc was so correct & M can't deny it. He even tells sis how accurate the lady is.

Anyway, yes hopefully she'll move away with him. I'll keep manifesting.

[CMF]

Typical M

I left party also cos I'd had a dizzy spell & started feeling unwell. He offered to drive me home which I declined but did ask me to let him know when I got home. He's messaged me 'Goodmorning ' but no question about how I'm feeling, if I'm feeling better etc. He got stuck by a wasp last week & his eye completely closed over. Everyday I've checked in to see how it is. I get nothing. Guess if you don't ask doesn't make it real 🙄

[Guest_1584]

Ah yeah right , that explains a lot then , in her mind anyway, especially given their arrangement and stuff too.

Lets hope new man falls head over eh.