Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

We had a great day today

[Guest_1584]

Haaa nice. l've noticed the good times are getting more frequent lately , great sign. Just goes to show what persistence can do doesn't it eh.

[CMF]

Absolutely. M is a great person. Honest, generous, positive, loving, easy going to mention a few. My moods overwhelm me at times & I overthink. As soon as I got to his house he asked if I was feeling better. Sis helped too by pointing out my iron levels are probably too low. I like how sis & I are connecting lately, even if some things annoy me. We made bottles of pasta sauce, a tradition. Fun day, everyone helping, M's mum feeding us. M stayed over, got up early to go cycling & we'll do something later. The overseas trip came up as they chatted over lunch. Sis said 'they' should go at Xmas. Talking as if I wasn't there but M says ignore it. Says i know what she's like & he'll tell me if there are any def plans.

[CMF]

Oh what a funny & interesting day. Sis gone away with new man today. He was meant to pick her up this morning & sis was disappointed M wouldn't meet him as he slept at mine. We found out from M' s son today that the new man slept over last night. His reaction was 'oh what'. M's sons were home & Sis didn't have the courtesy to tell M. It is his house too & i know she wouldn't like it if M did that with a quick new relationship esp if she had kids in the house. Funny how when she's unexpectedly alone she gets new man over. Can she not be alone? Does she always need a man around? We were at M's mum's helping clean up this arvo when she commented Sis didn't take her car to go away. M said no, that the new man drove. His mum asked 'who'? She doesn't know about the new man yet as it is so soon. M didn't know his mum was unaware. I managed to change the subject quickly but his mum isn't stupid.

So Sis is playing sneaky with everyone. Having the man sleep over when M not there & going away with him & expecting us to lie about who she's gone with.

I wonder if she'll get new man sleeping over more often cos it's convenient for her? I wonder how M feels about another new guy sleeping in his house. He can't even relax in his own home. She controls it all.

[CMF]

Oh man. She's got M by the b___s. He admitted he was surprised the guy slept over. I told him she should have asked/told him as it's his house too & his boys were home. He said sees my point but not fussed. Talk about changing his tune

[Guest_1584]

Tbh l wouldn't allow it.

l mean his boys have been around and had to deal with now basically sis and 3 different bf's and this one came in even faster than the last, and in what, only 12-18mths or something.

l'm cringing if that was me and my mates and she was my auntie back at that age.

[CMF]

Yeah she just Walks all over them. When m's son wanted his gf to live there m said he had to discuss with sis cos she lives there too. He only had to discuss if he was leaning toward yes which he probably was cos he's yes man. They told son no but she can stay over few nights a week. Sis didn't ask anyone, or tell anyone. Again M agrees with mebor 'sees my point' but least he didn't defend her,he said not fussed. Usually he agrees but defends other person. He has listened to what I said about him always defending everyone else , he changed his wording. So frustrating never knowing what how he really feels. He agreed I was invited to the 21st out of obligation as the bday boy,my daughter's ex looked a little uncomfortable. Again, defended the invite when i was peeved about being an add on but now agrees it was out of obligation.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I think in some families there is that person who seems to be centre of conversation and who causes problems either by what they say or do. People seem to arrange their lives and choose their words around this person. Sis is the person in your fanily, we have one in my family, different behaviour , different circumstance but same effect.

I don’t think Sis will ever change so everyone needs to adapt to her.
You seem to be less annoyed and more accepting of her , would that be a fair comment?

[CMF]

Hi Dear Quirky,

Yes. She is THAT one. I have been more tolerant lately. I've been taking more interest, talking with her more & not excluding myself from her life I guess. I'm still up front with M about things when I have something to say. I'm also manifesting for her to move on (and out) with the new man. Instead of thinking 'he'll probably start sleeping' there, which he did, I'm trying to picture her at his, away from us

[Guest_1584]

And him moving to qld to yeah ?

We've got one in mine , and they're mega rich , which seems to make her assume she can boss everyone about- even though she has her own family and home to worry about. She's actually very thoughtful but she's also pretty neurotic and bossy. Funny , had to hold in a chuckle but last l was talking to her which l try to avoid, she was saying the family hate her and asking if l'd heard anything ahhhh, me , nah, notta word.

Not getting involved .

rx