Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Really over it. Over being in lockdown . Getting snappy witt the kids. No patience with people.

Just over it.

[CMF]

I've been working from home for 5 weeks and I don't want to go back to the office. M has been coming to mine on a Sunday and he's suggested I go to his on Sunday ad it's Father's Day. I don't want to. His living sis got her brand new car, I'm happy for her buy I don't want to hear about it. Hear them go on about it. My kids will be with their Dad and I re really want a day to myself. Haven't had on for months. I feel bad for M but I need a break. Although M and I are great together we are do different on a good way. It's our 2 year anniversary today but I need some quiet ME time.

[smallwolf]

congrats on the 2 year anniversary!

sorry to hear that you are getting snappy with everyone. I suppose that in the last weeks with working from home you have not been able to much time to yourself.

do you do things like having a warm bath, perhaps a glass of wine and enjoying the moment?

how do you think that M would take it if you did ask for a day to yourself? And suppose you had that day to yourself could you perhaps meet up for dinner? Or is that not allowed? Excuse my ignorance.

Just had a thought... you playing music loud while you cleaned the house?

Or would you do in that time alone?

Tim

[CMF]

Hi Tim,

M would tell me it's fine but I now know he is not one to speak up also. He'd want me to do what makes me happy, despite his disappointment. We could have dinner at home but my kids would then be home. We can only visit partners if just the 2 of us, another reason I won't go to his. When he comes here there is usually just my son who stays in his room ad does my daughter if she's home, only popping out to say hi. M knows I'm tight on the rules , he has his sis and 2 boys there. It's not allowed. Cleaning the house...probably do it in my alone time.. so much easier when kids aren't around.

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

Cmf

I am a great believer in me time.
Congratulations on your second anniversary, how time flies.

I can understand you wanting to be alone on Sunday.
Ms sister has been there over the 2 years and sometimes it works well and sometimes you have felt left out. Do you think things will ever change.?

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky,

Things will change when she moves out. She says she can't stay there forever, M says things will change. O say yeah when we're 80 lol. I know he wants me to go there Sunday as we are s 'family and it's his day. My kids will be with their dad. I could go, I should go but it's against restrictions so I don't know. On the other hand, he's not gonna do anything with the kids. He mentioned pancakes but then they'll do their own thing. He could come here later and we have alone time which we haven't had for months. Guess we'll discuss and work it out. I feel bad not wanting to go there. I feel bad I've enjoyed not going there but I don't want it to be all my way.

[smallwolf]

In QLD when we had lockdowns, people could not go to church. Those people who would be regular got used to staying at home. It became their normal. When restrictions ended going back to church became an effort. At the same time, you would be still talking to people in various form and perhaps using zoom. So perhaps dislike of the situation and then doing something else just feels too much and just want to the crash on your bed, And if you work from home, there may be no division or boundary between work and home. It all rolls into one thing.

I am not sure if this is how you were feeling and doing something like being in a park and alone would be utopia for a moment.

What would be the ideal day for you? (from start of day to the end)

Tim

[CMF]

Hi all,

So Father's Day M had pancakes with his boys and sis and then came to mine. We had alone time, first time in months. We went for a walk, got lunch, ate outside as weather was beautiful then sipped champagne in the sun for our 2 year anniversary. It was nice.

Today he called and as we chatted his walked in and just started talking to him in the middle of our conversation. My blood started to boil. I stopped talking. He answered a question she asked but came back to our chat. He didn't engage with her so I guess he has listened to what I've said in the past but it does make me nervous about going there cos clearly her behaviour won't change. It makes me hate their set up again.

[quirkywords]

CMF

so glad you had a nice Sunday and that you and could spend time alone.

[CMF]

aaahhhhh, tough day. I don't know why. I don't think i slept very well and everyday is the same. I'm emotional, sensitive and tired of people.Working from home 7 weeks now. Phones diverted to my mobile Monday and Thursday and deal with emails as they come in. As we are not as busy as normal and did nothing for 2 weeks or more and got paid for it i don't mind what days i work, In fact, this week i have worked every day, and that is fine as not much else to do. On Tuesday, a day i don't normally work, i was emailed a task by a dept head. It was non urgent but i worked on it all day Tuesday and completed it. Was chatting to my colleague and told her about it and her reaction shocked me. She asked why i was being given work on a day i don't normally work, they should know i don't work Tuesday ra ra ra. I told her i don't care what day it is. I log in every day and if there is work there i do it, after all, we are getting full pay and not doing alot. She pointed out that her days off she does her things, she needs those days off.I'm sure if her brother still owned the business she would have a different attitude. Today M came past on his bike. He is now on well deserved holidays and in a good mood. when he saw my mood he scoffed at me and asked why i was so tired and what i was doing today. Told him I'm working. He asked why, i don't take the calls today. When i told him i'm dealing with emails he said not to worry about them. Really??? These emails need to be dealt with. I'm sure if his sis had a client he wouldn't tell her not to worry about it. I told him I'm tired, sick of listening to on line learning, teachers, kids. He said forget it, it's holidays now. Holidays for who i asked? I still have to work, I'm not on holidays. Its a break from school but my routine doesn't change. I felt it was very dismissive. I don't need to be told by others how to feel and what days to do work etc. I am entitled to feel however i want and i can work on my days off if i want as i am grateful for my job and being paid for doing not alot. M asked when restrictions will lift and i can go there for a coffee again. i know he is thinking it will give me a change of scenery but i am anxious about going there cos of his sis. i haven't been exposed to their 'happy family' life for months now and i don't want to be. While i sit alone every night he is playing families with his sis etc. I need a break from everything and everyone.